Being home

Hi all,

Well, had my appointment with my cardiologist who said I can drive again (and have sex!).  I was really happy until I drove my Miata home and realized how much it hurt.  Oh well, something else to improve on. 

Yesterday I did absolutely nothing but read all day long.  I am kind of lonely here alone during the day and I wonder will it be this way when I retire??  Of course, right now we're so very broke that I can't afford to go out and do much of anything, even if it's only the cost of gas.  Next month will be worse.  I am going back to work July 5th, so that's good except that we only get paid once a month at the end so July will be a long month until payday.  Then there are all those medical bills!!!!!  I'm trying not to stress out.  It shouldn't be this way.  People should be able to get sick, have major operations, etc. without worrying they'll lose everything they've worked for all their lives.  It's disgusting how we accept this as normal and OK.  Well, don't get me started . . .

Today I'm trying to get some stuff done.  Making some overdue phone calls; sorting out the mess of paperwork covering our dining table.  Ugh!  Going to the store to pick up a few essentials.  It will be the first time I've been out on my own - well, driving at least.  I walked to some stores while I stayed with Jenny.

My emotions seem to be on hold.  Feel numb and don't know what's up with that.  At my sister's and daughter's last week I was crying at the drop of a hat.  Now I can't seem to feel much of anything.  I'm glad to be home.  Love being back with my honey - but I'm bugged at my lack of feeling.  I've really got to see my doctor about my hormones.  Seems like everything is messed up with my system.

Even my hair isn't right.  I color it every 5 weeks and the last time I went in I had a lot of gray roots.  I looked today and my hair has barely grown.  Good thing is that I don't have hardly any roots showing.  But I wonder why my hair just seemed to have stopped growing??  Geez!

I'm still having problems with my memory, too.  We sat down with a Netflix DVD of House where we'd watched a couple of the episodes on the disc already.  So we were trying to figure out which ones we'd watched and which ones we hadn't.  We were watching one and Cece says "we've seen this".  I had NO memory of having seen it before - although a little bit later in the episode I did recall it.  It's really scary.  What if I can't remember cases or law that I should know when I go back to work??  What if I'm not the excellent attorney I used to be??  Should I be put out to pasture??

I asked my doctor a few questions that I figured wouldn't have real answers.  I brought him the report of an angiogram I had done in 2006.  That showed no blockages whatever and minimal plaque build up.  I was 56 years old then.  In five years I went from that to 95% blockages in two heart arteries and 90% in the third???!!!!  WHAT IN THE FUCK HAPPENED IN FIVE YEARS???!!!  He did seemed a bit surprised at the difference, but could not give a definitive reason.  But I'd sure as hell like to know b/c if I knew what made such a dramatic difference I'D STOP DOING IT!!    How can I avoid such a thing in the future??  Why did it take 56 years to get a little blocked and only 5 more years to get almost fatally blocked??  I can't think of anything that I did differently except that my mom died shortly after that test and I was so very stressed out for a long, long time.  Could that have done it?

It's awful that no one can say "if you do this and don't do that, all will be well."  Even my doctor said that my high cholesterol may or may not have been a factor.  Considering that I've had high cholesterol for over 20 years, I don't see how that accounts for the drastic difference in 5 years. 

But he did say it was unlikely that I'd have to have another bypass in my lifetime.  Not that it was impossible, but unlikely.  Maybe a stent or two down the road.  I'd like to avoid even that. 

Well, guess I'd better end for today and make that call to the cardiac rehab folks and get signed up.  Thanks for listening and any feedback y'all might have for me.