Here in NC

Made the plane trip ok, though it was a bit of a nightmare.  That was Saturday.  US Airways not all that good at taking care of its wheelchair passengers - much less those that have a layover.

Here at my daughter, Jenny's.  She moved her large lazy-boy into the TV room.  It's more comfortable than my chair at home.  Although she's 9 months pregnant herself, she's taking pretty good care of me.  But I miss my wife already and feel displaced.  Yesterday found myself crying off and on - without any reason I could put my finger on except that I felt lonely and sorry for myself b/c of everything that's happened.  It's so hard to come to grips with what's happened to me.  I'd give anything for this not to have happened.  Now I know what my sister was trying to convey after she had her massive heart attack.

Surprisingly, felt pretty good physically Sunday.  I thought the trip would really set me back but I didn't feel all that bad the next morning.  I went for a long ride with my daughter who's taking care of her friend's animals while her friend is out of town.  Now, I WAS hurting when I got back from that.  Daughter doesn't seem to appreciate how weak I still really am.  When I asked for a glass of water, she grumbled saying that I ought to get it myself b/c it would help me.  Maybe she's right, but I'll stick to my doctor's instructions to do what I can, but back off and rest when I've done more than enough for the day.   I wish it was already behind  me - say like 6 months or so.  I wonder, though, how long it'll take me to feel better inside?

My cardiologist, Dr. V., thought I was pushing it by coming up, but bowed to the cardiac surgeon's opinion.  But he also said he wanted me to enroll in cardiac rehab.  He said that most of his patients enjoy it.  I'm open to going, if only to meet others who've gone through the same thing.

I wonder how much time I have left?  How much did this affect my lifespan?  I fear having to have stents or more surgery down the road.  I don't think I could do this again.  So many "what if's" rattling around in my head.  Blah blah - I wish I could turn it all off!!

Incision site still giving me the most pain.  I'm able to breathe in much more fully now, though.

I know that I'll be turned over to my sister's care in the next day or to, but don't know how or when that's going to happen.  It's about an hour from sister's house to daughter's.  Hate not being able to drive - but can see why that's out of the question.  Not all that much I can do with my arms that doesn't put a serious hurting on my chest.  Yes, I did bring my hospital bear; Bruna. She's my little security blanket and buddy.

Sorry I didn't blog for a few days.  I admire my friends who blog on a daily basis.  Not sure if I can be that consistent, but I'll try.

I've never been away from my Beloved this long.  Even when I made these reservations when I was (thought I was)  perfectly healthy, being away for a full 12 days gave me pause.  Now, without her and without my sense of self . . . it feels really weird.  Will I ever feel normal again?