LATE Monday night

OK, it's actually Tuesday morning, 03:00.  I'm back here at my sister's and the consensus here with sister and BIL is that I'd be crazy to have come up here to go back just before the baby is born.  So tomorrow I'm going to look into staying.  Beloved will have to send my meds up overnight b/c she only packed enough for me for the time she expected me to be away.  Don't know how hard a time US Air is going to give me trying to change the unchangeable ticket.

No, daughter still hasn't gone into labor yet and she's the most disgusted one of all of us.  She brought me back over to my sister's b/c she knows Peggy is up and around after working an all night shift Sunday-Monday.  So we stayed up and talked and watched TV and talked some more and had tea.

Took the longest walk yet Sunday with my ex.  It felt good until the last 1/3 when I felt more breathless and my chest hurt.  I swear it feels like my heart is flopping around in my chest cavity unattached to anything and it bounces with every step I take.  Yucking feeling.  But when I woke up this  morning, I felt stronger than ever and that felt so hopeful I wasn't as depressed as I usually am upon waking.

Before the surgery, I had to take Lunesta just about nightly in order to sleep.  Has been that way since my mother died in 2006.  But since the surgery I haven't had to take it once.  Now, the fact that I can stay up as late as I want and not have to worry about getting up for work may have something to do with that; I don't know.  In the first couple of weeks home, sleeping on the lazy-boy chair in the living room, I slept like a newborn baby sleeps:  an hour or so at a time.  I couldn't get up by myself back then and couldn't get up to turn on a light.  Cece and Lola gave me a little flashlight to use to read if I wanted to, or I'd play on my iPhone until I got sleepy again. 

Now, I'm sleeping for longer periods at a time, but still taking naps during the day.  Today I went to sleep after my daughter and I went and got our nails done.  Came home, had something to eat and conked out.  Was sleeping so hard that, even though my bedroom is closest to her front door, I never heard the doorbell ring or heard the dogs barking when a friend of my daughter's came to visit. 

I don't feel as lonely here with Peggy.  We really talk on a deep level and she's so insightful.  I like being at both places for different reasons.  As soon as we  got here this evening, I asked my niece if she'd walk with me.  It was almost dark and I hadn't gotten my walk in.  We didn't go as far as I did the day before, but I didn't have as much stamina.  I'd gotten so hopeful, but any time I push my body, it pushes back.  My niece said she noticed a difference since I'd been there last week.  Last week I couldn't push open their sliding glass door onto their Carolina room, but I can with difficulty now. 

I was talking to wife about going back to work.  Have to talk to Dr. V. about it and get a note from him.  I can't see being able to work at a desk and/or at a computer 8 hours a day - or even 4 hours yet.  Or by the 15th which at this point is the earliest work thinks I might be back.  It's the 7th now, and although I'm getting better all the time, it's one day good and then the next day or next couple of days not so good.  Overall, the pain is getting much more bearable most of the time, but can come back with a vengeance when I'm up and about too much.  I'm going to ask the doctor about all this.  I don't think I'll be ready to go back to work til the end of the month.  Hopefully, I'll still have a job.

Unexpected things bring pain:  Like riding in a car.  If it's a windy road or bumpy, it hurts.  You don't realize how many muscles you use balancing yourself upright when you're a passenger in a car.  I sure am aware of it now.  I'm exhausted if it's a long trip or the ride isn't real smooth. 

Did I say that my hormones are all screwed up?  I had a hysterectomy back in the early 80's and have been on bio-identical hormones for ages now.  But in the past couple of weeks I've been having lots of hot flashes, especially at night.  When I get back I'll have to check with my homeopathic doctor to see if my medication needs adjusting or what.  Did the shock of the surgery put my hormonal system out of whack?  Seems like it.  Guess everything about my body - directly connected to my heart or not - has taken a hit.

Got to get some sleep.  If my daughter called right now, I'd be useless with no sleep.  Besides, not sure how I'd get to her.  BIL isn't always very cooperative.  We'll see.

I'd sure love some feedback from those who've been through this before me.  How long am I going to be so weak?  Is there a new "normal" for me?  Can one live after this without fear of the future?

Sunday thoughts

In the past few nights I've been able to lie almost flat in the bed instead of having to sleep half sitting up.  Also, last night I tried sleeping on my side again.  I still need to hug a pillow tightly to my chest, but I can do it and it feels so good to sleep on my side again.  I equate back sleeping with illness or injury.

It seems that I can do a  little more each day without paying the price of feeling like I've been hit by a truck.  I hate the way the incision area feels - numb and painful at the same time.  And the numbness extends out from the incision to my breasts and almost to the nipples.  I know the nerves are going to take a long time to heal.  Kinda glad my nipples were spared.  :-) 

I didn't take a walk yesterday b/c we did a lot of running around - so I got the walking in without taking a formal walk. 

I get up each morning feeling overwhelmed with depression.  When I get home I'll have to talk to my primary physician.  Do I have to just suck it up or can she increase my antidepressant medications without hurting me?  I feel like my heart is in the toilet.  A lot of it is fear, I think.  I project:  What if the bypasses fail (like my BIL's did)?  I can't go through this again.  How long will it take for these arteries to clog?  What happens then?  Was this a new lease on life or the preview of how the rest of my life is going to be?  I'm afraid of the future and not OK with just happened to me. 

I'm in a quandary about whether to extend my stay - since my uncooperative daughter is not showing any signs that she's having the baby any time soon - or to just go home Wednesday.  It would be such a shame to miss the birth  after coming up here.  Then again, I'm still not in a position to be the help I wanted to be for my daughter.  I had visions of helping her in her first week home after the baby was born; that chaotic first week when you're trying to absorb all the changes in your life.  But actually, in the shape I'm in, I'm no real help.  When I first got here I was probably a burden.  Things have gotten better, but I'm still not a HELP to her.  Just here.  Waiting with her.  Today is her due date.

When I laid on my side, I could feel and hear my heart beating so fast.  Why is it beating so fast??  I wonder if something's wrong? 

I'm no closer to figuring out what this all means than when I started.  I just went through it and did the best I could do.  I REALLY want to figure out how and why this happened so maybe I can prevent it again.  Is that possible?  Should I have 6 month angiograms??  Wait for symptoms??  That's scary b/c the symptoms I had before were so nebulous.  I could easily miss them.  I still feel weird in my own body.  Or maybe it's that my body feels weird to me.  I didn't feel this way when I had my hysterectomy or my appendectomy.  Oh, I had feelings about it, but not like this. 

Signing off for now.  I'm (not quite) Dead Ducky.

Almost a month!

So, now I'm here at my sister's and probably did too much today.  But, overall, I'm having to take less pain meds, so I guess that's progress.

With my sister, Peggy, I'm able to piece together what happened.  Peggy's an RN on an oncology ward and has had 2 MI's herself, even though she's almost 4 years younger than I am. She's my one relative that's lived through the heart attacks.  Well, my dad lived through his first one, too, and so did my mom.  My little brother (9 years younger) Andy, lived through his first one, too, but only by 11 months.  Anyway, Peg could explain things and share what happened from her point of view.  It's a wonder that I was so deeply in denial all these years.  I absolutely wouldn't take my family's cardiac history seriously.  Well - that's not right.  I took it seriously - it scared the hell out of me - but I refused to believe it could happen to me.  I told Peggy that - for being so close to dropping dead - I should have had more symptoms.  She pointed out that I HAD had symptoms, but that my response was to blow them off or explain them away.  And my GI troubles didn't help b/c I could and did attribute some of the signs as gut stuff or GERD. 

She wasn't hesitant to point out the various things I'd told her in the past year - like my having a little chest pain while dragging my rolling bag from the  office to the parking lot one day and how I had to stop several times to catch my breath and to wait til the pain subsided.  She had a lot of other examples. 

My brother-in-law, Dan, has had quadruple (?) bypass surgery after experiencing cardiac arrest and having multiple stents put into place.  Not even a year later, all but  one of the bypasses had failed and he had to have more stents put in.  He also shared that one of his wires in his chest has broken and pokes him from time to time.  He doesn't want to fix it b/c he says that they'll have to partially re-open his chest.  Shit, I didn't even know that COULD happen!!  How does he live with all this?  How does he handle it, emotionally?!  He says he's needed stuff to help him sleep ever since this started b/c laying there in bed thinking about all the possibilities was hell.  So the answer to this re-definition of self isn't going to be simple or easy.  Fancy that. 

I miss by Cece terribly, but I appreciate that she's relieved of the stress of taking care of me and trying to be in two places half the time. 

Still nothing as far as my daughter going into labor.  I hope she doesn't fart around and not have it until I have to leave.  On the other hand, every day that goes by I'm a little stronger and can be more help to Jenny instead of someone else to take care of. 

My sister doesn't have a lazy-boy so I'm sleeping on a regular bed with tons of pillows.  It's not quite as comfortable as the lounger, but still worked all right.  I'm waiting for the day when I can actually sleep on my side again.  I'm not a natural back sleeper, but that's my only choice right now.