Today is an up day

Dr. H., my cardiac surgeon, assures me I'll have "up" days and "down" days.  Guess Wednesday was an up - day because got told that I'm doing well and can use my arms to get myself in and out of the recliner.  FREEDOM!!!!  I swear when I couldn't get up myself, I had to pee at least 6 times a night.  I hated waking my Cecelia or her friend, Lola, (helping to care for me) so many times during the long, long, nights. 

So I went home and got up and down from the recliner probably 40 times and walked completely around the block.  Then the pain hit around 23:00 with a vengeance.  And Dr. H. isn't exactly free with the pain medication.  Hell, he's got me on a lesser Vicodin script than did my regular care doctor for my chronic neck/shoulder/back pain exacerbated by the kind of work I do (at a computer all day long or reading).  I frankly don't care all that much what it takes:  I just want to feel better; feel NORMAL again!!!

Stupid things hurt my feelings.  Like I showed my chest to my housecleaner today who hasn't seen me since the surgery.   Just pulled up my t-shirt as usual.  It's not like I'm prudish or body-shy on a good day (having lived the nudist lifestyle for many years).  So why this funny feeling??  A part of me said, "yeah, just look at my tits and chest, after all, they're not a thing of beauty anymore.  They're not part of my sexuality anymore, are they? No, they're just 'the scene of the crime' that everybody wants to look at."  Hell, I'd want to look too if it were a friend of mine who had the surgery.  So who am I to talk?  Why shouldn't they want to know what this terrible surgery looks like?  They can take a horror-filled look then run safely back to their own unflawed bodies.  Well, I WANT TO SAFELY RUN BACK TO MY (PREVIOUSLY FAIRLY UNFLAWED) BODY MYSELF!  But there's no place to run to.

 God, I sure can be ungrateful. 

Friends are coming over to see me tonight and offer their support.  Bless them.  And I WILL go take that walk in the evening and maybe it won't hurt too much.