5/19/11

Today is the anniversary of my mother's death.  From cardiac bypass surgery following a heart attack.  She was 78 and had had her first MI when she was 61 or 62 - I still can't remember.  Going into the hospital on May 3rd for bypass surgery on May 4th was traumatic to say the least.  I try hard to fight superstition.  And, at least I was in a different hospital.  JFK had killed my mother and was the main player in my father's and brother's heart-related deaths.  I told myself that I, at least, was in North Palm Beach Gardens.  A largely unknown risk factor.  The only thing I could remember was my mother saying what a bad hospital it was because it had killed off a couple of her friends.  But it's where my cardiologists practiced out of and where the cardiac surgeon recommended by my (partially-trusted) cardiologist practiced.  So here I was. 

So much was completely out of my control.  Have I mentioned how much I HATE things being out of my control??!!! I'm feeling numb, numb, numb.  How had this happened?  I was the HEALTHY one of the family.   I HAD ALL THE BEST GENES!!  I'd told myself this for years and refused to take cholesterol meds which had had bad side effects on my sister and mother.  I had all kinds of reasons and excuses.  They seemed valid.  I'd had test after test when any little thing had gone wrong that could POSSIBLY be related to my heart.  All because of my family history of heart trouble.  It scared me.  I hated it.  Doctors, it seemed, always brought trouble into your life.  They held your life in your hands and they were arrogant about it.  I wasn't going to give into them.  I was in control of my life.  I didn't eat junk.  I tried to exercise on a routine basis.  Yeah, I carried too much weight.  But I kept trying to do the right thing - without taking more medications.  Without putting my life more into the care of these uncaring, inhuman persons who represented our health care experts. 

So how had it come to this?  They said I had three major blockages!  Three!!  Who were they talking to - they couldn't be talking to me!  I'd just had two stress tests with decent results.   Some PVCs maybe, but no big deal, right??  RIGHT??!!  Yes, my cardiologist suggested I follow up the stress tests with another angio-gram.  I felt powerful in saying "no."  They could give me no good reason to go through another test.  They were all being hysterical.  I had (virtually) no symptoms.  Why were they trying to scare me??  But now, NOW, they were talking surgery.  Three blockages that couldn't be fixed with stents.  They were going into my chest; going to CRACK IT OPEN; toy with it, then close it up and it all had to be done RIGHT AWAY!!  Were they trying to scare me to death???  How could this be happening??  WHY was this happening??  I was so terrified I just couldn't even think.  Couldn't wrap my mind around it.  My darling wife, Cecelia, asked the right questions, remembered the answers, started making preparations.  Thank God.  It was all a blur to me.  May had already killed my beloved mother - was it going to get me now?  The same thoughts kept whirling in my mind:  "I'm the healthy one; what happened?" "how could this be happening to me?"  "what did I do wrong?  Did I bring this on myself?"  My body felt like a foreign land. 

Obviously, I lived through the surgery.  But my emotions and thoughts are just waking up. 

During it was just doing the next right thing to survive.  No room to think or feel.  Now I want to share what's it's been like and what it's like  now.  I hope that others who have gone through the same ups and downs of traveling this particular road will relate to my blog and maybe let me know I'm not alone.

In my brain, I KNOW, of course, that there are others - many many others - who have experienced all this.  But my feelings . . . my feelings are like wild horses plunging this way and that.  I have wonderful, loving, supportive friends and family.  So much to be grateful for.  I'M ALIVE!!!!!!!