Yesterday I took a long walk in the drizzling rain and actually felt HAPPY for a little while! It's not like I haven't had good things happening, but I haven't actually FELT it like that in a long while. It felt good.
Been back to meetings and that also feels good and right. Maybe when I go back to work, I'll feel even more grounded. I have mixed feelings about being home all day. In some ways, I really like the freedom, but then again I feel lonely many mornings. Like the world has gone on without me.
I've got to get a photo of my healing chest to post. I'll ask Cece to take one and then put it up here. I like being able to take baths again, now that the vampire bites are completely closed up. They're still an angry red, though. Yucky.
Went to the hairdresser and wanted a white streak put in, but she convinced me to be satisfied with lowlights. I wanted something dramatic to say "look, everybody, I've been to hell and back" when I got back to work. Hell, they probably wouldn't even have noticed it.
I'm here to report that the sex life is working just fine. How cool is that? I was a little scared when my heart was pounding so hard, but Cece reminded me that it did that BEFORE the surgery, too. Still - creeped me out.
Driving is getting a little easier, especially since most of the time Cece lets me borrow her car which is easier to get in and out of and is an automatic. But the seat belt (shoulder part) hurts like a bitch! I've got to get something to pad the shoulder harness.
I still have moments when I feel like this is my "second" life. What am I going to do with it? Who knows how long it'll last - but no more holding back on ANYTHING!! Well, unless it's really bad for me.
Signing off now. Got some computer work to do. Cece's birthday tomorrow and I have preparations to take care of.
(Almost) Dead Ducky
Monday, June 27, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Being home
Hi all,
Well, had my appointment with my cardiologist who said I can drive again (and have sex!). I was really happy until I drove my Miata home and realized how much it hurt. Oh well, something else to improve on.
Yesterday I did absolutely nothing but read all day long. I am kind of lonely here alone during the day and I wonder will it be this way when I retire?? Of course, right now we're so very broke that I can't afford to go out and do much of anything, even if it's only the cost of gas. Next month will be worse. I am going back to work July 5th, so that's good except that we only get paid once a month at the end so July will be a long month until payday. Then there are all those medical bills!!!!! I'm trying not to stress out. It shouldn't be this way. People should be able to get sick, have major operations, etc. without worrying they'll lose everything they've worked for all their lives. It's disgusting how we accept this as normal and OK. Well, don't get me started . . .
Today I'm trying to get some stuff done. Making some overdue phone calls; sorting out the mess of paperwork covering our dining table. Ugh! Going to the store to pick up a few essentials. It will be the first time I've been out on my own - well, driving at least. I walked to some stores while I stayed with Jenny.
My emotions seem to be on hold. Feel numb and don't know what's up with that. At my sister's and daughter's last week I was crying at the drop of a hat. Now I can't seem to feel much of anything. I'm glad to be home. Love being back with my honey - but I'm bugged at my lack of feeling. I've really got to see my doctor about my hormones. Seems like everything is messed up with my system.
Even my hair isn't right. I color it every 5 weeks and the last time I went in I had a lot of gray roots. I looked today and my hair has barely grown. Good thing is that I don't have hardly any roots showing. But I wonder why my hair just seemed to have stopped growing?? Geez!
I'm still having problems with my memory, too. We sat down with a Netflix DVD of House where we'd watched a couple of the episodes on the disc already. So we were trying to figure out which ones we'd watched and which ones we hadn't. We were watching one and Cece says "we've seen this". I had NO memory of having seen it before - although a little bit later in the episode I did recall it. It's really scary. What if I can't remember cases or law that I should know when I go back to work?? What if I'm not the excellent attorney I used to be?? Should I be put out to pasture??
I asked my doctor a few questions that I figured wouldn't have real answers. I brought him the report of an angiogram I had done in 2006. That showed no blockages whatever and minimal plaque build up. I was 56 years old then. In five years I went from that to 95% blockages in two heart arteries and 90% in the third???!!!! WHAT IN THE FUCK HAPPENED IN FIVE YEARS???!!! He did seemed a bit surprised at the difference, but could not give a definitive reason. But I'd sure as hell like to know b/c if I knew what made such a dramatic difference I'D STOP DOING IT!! How can I avoid such a thing in the future?? Why did it take 56 years to get a little blocked and only 5 more years to get almost fatally blocked?? I can't think of anything that I did differently except that my mom died shortly after that test and I was so very stressed out for a long, long time. Could that have done it?
It's awful that no one can say "if you do this and don't do that, all will be well." Even my doctor said that my high cholesterol may or may not have been a factor. Considering that I've had high cholesterol for over 20 years, I don't see how that accounts for the drastic difference in 5 years.
But he did say it was unlikely that I'd have to have another bypass in my lifetime. Not that it was impossible, but unlikely. Maybe a stent or two down the road. I'd like to avoid even that.
Well, guess I'd better end for today and make that call to the cardiac rehab folks and get signed up. Thanks for listening and any feedback y'all might have for me.
Well, had my appointment with my cardiologist who said I can drive again (and have sex!). I was really happy until I drove my Miata home and realized how much it hurt. Oh well, something else to improve on.
Yesterday I did absolutely nothing but read all day long. I am kind of lonely here alone during the day and I wonder will it be this way when I retire?? Of course, right now we're so very broke that I can't afford to go out and do much of anything, even if it's only the cost of gas. Next month will be worse. I am going back to work July 5th, so that's good except that we only get paid once a month at the end so July will be a long month until payday. Then there are all those medical bills!!!!! I'm trying not to stress out. It shouldn't be this way. People should be able to get sick, have major operations, etc. without worrying they'll lose everything they've worked for all their lives. It's disgusting how we accept this as normal and OK. Well, don't get me started . . .
Today I'm trying to get some stuff done. Making some overdue phone calls; sorting out the mess of paperwork covering our dining table. Ugh! Going to the store to pick up a few essentials. It will be the first time I've been out on my own - well, driving at least. I walked to some stores while I stayed with Jenny.
My emotions seem to be on hold. Feel numb and don't know what's up with that. At my sister's and daughter's last week I was crying at the drop of a hat. Now I can't seem to feel much of anything. I'm glad to be home. Love being back with my honey - but I'm bugged at my lack of feeling. I've really got to see my doctor about my hormones. Seems like everything is messed up with my system.
Even my hair isn't right. I color it every 5 weeks and the last time I went in I had a lot of gray roots. I looked today and my hair has barely grown. Good thing is that I don't have hardly any roots showing. But I wonder why my hair just seemed to have stopped growing?? Geez!
I'm still having problems with my memory, too. We sat down with a Netflix DVD of House where we'd watched a couple of the episodes on the disc already. So we were trying to figure out which ones we'd watched and which ones we hadn't. We were watching one and Cece says "we've seen this". I had NO memory of having seen it before - although a little bit later in the episode I did recall it. It's really scary. What if I can't remember cases or law that I should know when I go back to work?? What if I'm not the excellent attorney I used to be?? Should I be put out to pasture??
I asked my doctor a few questions that I figured wouldn't have real answers. I brought him the report of an angiogram I had done in 2006. That showed no blockages whatever and minimal plaque build up. I was 56 years old then. In five years I went from that to 95% blockages in two heart arteries and 90% in the third???!!!! WHAT IN THE FUCK HAPPENED IN FIVE YEARS???!!! He did seemed a bit surprised at the difference, but could not give a definitive reason. But I'd sure as hell like to know b/c if I knew what made such a dramatic difference I'D STOP DOING IT!! How can I avoid such a thing in the future?? Why did it take 56 years to get a little blocked and only 5 more years to get almost fatally blocked?? I can't think of anything that I did differently except that my mom died shortly after that test and I was so very stressed out for a long, long time. Could that have done it?
It's awful that no one can say "if you do this and don't do that, all will be well." Even my doctor said that my high cholesterol may or may not have been a factor. Considering that I've had high cholesterol for over 20 years, I don't see how that accounts for the drastic difference in 5 years.
But he did say it was unlikely that I'd have to have another bypass in my lifetime. Not that it was impossible, but unlikely. Maybe a stent or two down the road. I'd like to avoid even that.
Well, guess I'd better end for today and make that call to the cardiac rehab folks and get signed up. Thanks for listening and any feedback y'all might have for me.
Monday, June 20, 2011
I'm home!!
Sorry I haven't posted for a couple of days. Got home around 02:00 Saturday night (Sunday morning). I was so exhausted that I felt numb, but, oh, it was so good to see my Cece waiting for me. Then getting to the house and saying hello to the kitties and just being in my own home! It's not that being at my sister's or my daughter's was a hardship, it's just that I got so homesick.
I still hate Charlotte airport. They do not know how to take care of a handicapped person. Maybe I'd like it better if I was fully recovered, but now I have an attitude about it and will probably avoid it if I can in the future. But the flight was OK and the flight attendant was very good to me.
Sunday we just relaxed and hung out all day together. I had a step group meeting at 17:00, so I was gone for a few hours that evening. It was good to share with my close supports and the meeting was held at my friend's who is only 2 blocks away, so I walked there.
I'm not sure if I told y'all that my "vampire bites" have healed. I could probably take a bath now since they're closed up. I'm so glad b/c they really bothered me. They looked ugly and made me nervous about getting an infection in them. But all went well and they've healed nicely, although the scars are funky. I'll try to get a updated photo of my healing chest posted. I'm not good at doing that, so I'll ask dear Lola for help.
Went to my home group meeting tonight. First regular meeting I've attended since my surgery. I shared about what I've been going through and warned them they'd probably be hearing a lot about it. They're so accepting and supportive; I'm so glad for that touchstone. Still sorting out my feelings about this. My friends told me Sunday that I should be so grateful b/c it was a miracle that they discovered the problem before I had a heart attack. And it was. Considering where my blockages were, chances are my first heart attack would have been fatal. But I escaped with an undamaged heart, unlike most who have bypasses. They said that I'd been spared for a special reason, and that made me see things a little differently. I hadn't been thinking of myself as lucky. I'd been thinking that after all that positive thinking and affirmations about having the best genes in the family and that I'd never have heart issues, boom, I needed a triple bypass and all that positive thinking had been for naught. But they said, no, my positive thinking and awareness saved me. Hmmmmm. I've got to mull that over. That's a better way to think about it than they way I've been seeing it.
My chest still hurts when I get up in the morning and as I am active during the day, it gets to ache more towards the evening. It hurts to the touch, but is also numb - a weird, yucky feeling. My BIL told me that it took over a year for his chest to stop feeling that way. Yippee. People tell me the scar isn't bad. But I look at women wearing low cut tops with their perfect, smooth chests and sigh within.
But, hey, I'm a survivor and I'll wear my bathing suits with my scar hanging out with pride b/c I made it through and I'm going to get better every day! Although I ALMOST was a dead ducky, I'm NOT. So there!
I still hate Charlotte airport. They do not know how to take care of a handicapped person. Maybe I'd like it better if I was fully recovered, but now I have an attitude about it and will probably avoid it if I can in the future. But the flight was OK and the flight attendant was very good to me.
Sunday we just relaxed and hung out all day together. I had a step group meeting at 17:00, so I was gone for a few hours that evening. It was good to share with my close supports and the meeting was held at my friend's who is only 2 blocks away, so I walked there.
I'm not sure if I told y'all that my "vampire bites" have healed. I could probably take a bath now since they're closed up. I'm so glad b/c they really bothered me. They looked ugly and made me nervous about getting an infection in them. But all went well and they've healed nicely, although the scars are funky. I'll try to get a updated photo of my healing chest posted. I'm not good at doing that, so I'll ask dear Lola for help.
Went to my home group meeting tonight. First regular meeting I've attended since my surgery. I shared about what I've been going through and warned them they'd probably be hearing a lot about it. They're so accepting and supportive; I'm so glad for that touchstone. Still sorting out my feelings about this. My friends told me Sunday that I should be so grateful b/c it was a miracle that they discovered the problem before I had a heart attack. And it was. Considering where my blockages were, chances are my first heart attack would have been fatal. But I escaped with an undamaged heart, unlike most who have bypasses. They said that I'd been spared for a special reason, and that made me see things a little differently. I hadn't been thinking of myself as lucky. I'd been thinking that after all that positive thinking and affirmations about having the best genes in the family and that I'd never have heart issues, boom, I needed a triple bypass and all that positive thinking had been for naught. But they said, no, my positive thinking and awareness saved me. Hmmmmm. I've got to mull that over. That's a better way to think about it than they way I've been seeing it.
My chest still hurts when I get up in the morning and as I am active during the day, it gets to ache more towards the evening. It hurts to the touch, but is also numb - a weird, yucky feeling. My BIL told me that it took over a year for his chest to stop feeling that way. Yippee. People tell me the scar isn't bad. But I look at women wearing low cut tops with their perfect, smooth chests and sigh within.
But, hey, I'm a survivor and I'll wear my bathing suits with my scar hanging out with pride b/c I made it through and I'm going to get better every day! Although I ALMOST was a dead ducky, I'm NOT. So there!
Friday, June 17, 2011
At my nephew's house
For some reason, for the last four nights I've been having major problems sleeping; or going to sleep I should say. Up until then I was sleeping so well that I thought I'd be able to do away with the sleeping pills. Then suddenly every time I get ready to retire for the night, my anxiety goes through the roof. Yesterday and the day before I was having crying jags for no real reason. I'd go from OK to bawling my face off at the drop of a hat. Not little tears sliding down the face crying, but big heaving sobs. And usually I'd have no idea of why.
Last night the anxiety hit and I'd been so tired and sleepy, but now I was rigid with anxiety and I went to take a Xanax and burst into tears crying so hard I couldn't see. My sister was still up so I went out into the living room sobbing that I thought I was losing my mind b/c I couldn't stop crying and couldn't sleep from the anxiety. Peggy really helped calm me down, explaining how my system had gone through such a shock, and my hormones were all screwed up, and I'd been so focused on my daughter and now that job was done and here were all the feelings again.
Well, tonight I'm staying with my favorite nephew, Karl, and his wife, Stacy. I adore both of them. They'd bought a new house (had it built) last year and wanted me to see it. Plus I'm flying out of Greensboro tomorrow night and they live up near there. They fed me dinner and we took a good walk. After visiting for awhile, we all petered out and I'm actually getting to bed at a more normal hour. My sister and daughter are both night owls, so I was going to bed at 2, 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning before. Now it's not even midnight. God, I sure hope the anxiety thing doesn't hit me again tonight. I slept til 13:00 today when my BIL woke me up yet I've been tired all day long. Maybe my body is trying to make up for over doing it at my daughter''s.
So, I get to visit with Karl and Stacy tomorrow til Karl takes me to the airport in time for my 20:00 flight HOME!! HOME!!!
Last night the anxiety hit and I'd been so tired and sleepy, but now I was rigid with anxiety and I went to take a Xanax and burst into tears crying so hard I couldn't see. My sister was still up so I went out into the living room sobbing that I thought I was losing my mind b/c I couldn't stop crying and couldn't sleep from the anxiety. Peggy really helped calm me down, explaining how my system had gone through such a shock, and my hormones were all screwed up, and I'd been so focused on my daughter and now that job was done and here were all the feelings again.
Well, tonight I'm staying with my favorite nephew, Karl, and his wife, Stacy. I adore both of them. They'd bought a new house (had it built) last year and wanted me to see it. Plus I'm flying out of Greensboro tomorrow night and they live up near there. They fed me dinner and we took a good walk. After visiting for awhile, we all petered out and I'm actually getting to bed at a more normal hour. My sister and daughter are both night owls, so I was going to bed at 2, 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning before. Now it's not even midnight. God, I sure hope the anxiety thing doesn't hit me again tonight. I slept til 13:00 today when my BIL woke me up yet I've been tired all day long. Maybe my body is trying to make up for over doing it at my daughter''s.
So, I get to visit with Karl and Stacy tomorrow til Karl takes me to the airport in time for my 20:00 flight HOME!! HOME!!!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Long Day
Long, but satisfying, day. Made soup and baked chicken for my sweet daughter. She took baby Matthew for his first checkup. All is well. Daughter is very sore and her milk is coming in. Thank God b/c baby wasn't real satisfied with what he was getting before!
Also did laundry. I know I'm doing too much. My chest hurts more than it has. I'm using my arms a lot cooking, lifting heavy pots, reaching, etc. I tell myself it's worth it, but I hope I'm not setting back my own recovery too much. The end of the month seems a ways off, but soon it'll be July 5 and I'll be back at work and I hope I'll be in shape to get through the days.
I think I'm feeling OK emotionally, then something will set me off and I'm sobbing and sobbing. I tried to sing a nursery song to the baby and suddenly I was crying so hard. I think it was about Mom. When Matthew was born I instinctively thought "I've got to tell Mom --!" Forgetting she's gone. I still have moments when I just can't comprehend a world without her in it. It hurts so much. Mommy, are you watching? Do you see our new baby? Did you feel this way when you were with me when I had Jenny?
Sometimes - well always I guess - I just don't understand this living thing. Or dying thing. What am I doing here? Do I welcome where we're all going, or is it all pure terror? Was my bypass the first step in my accepting my own impending death, or was it a reprieve or a bonus life?? How could I have been so close to death and not have been aware? Will I ever have the courage to face it?? Do I have the courage to fully live again?
My Cece is now blogging and what she writes scares me. Will we ever have our relationship back again anywhere near the same? Are we irreparably changed for the worse?? Can we "play" with abandon like before?? Have I now gotten too old; too fragile??
I'd wish for the time before all this happened, but how can I when I was "dead woman walking"? Can't go back anyway, so what's the sense wasting my time wishing. If I was going to wish for something, I'd wish to go back to when Mom was still here. I went through her death date this year in a blur - well, that was the day I started this blog. How odd.
I've got to get to some meetings when I get home. Aside from the meeting my dear ones brought to my house after the surgery, I haven't been to any. I have a doctor's appointment on the 21st; I hope he says I can drive again. That's bound to make me feel more like I'm back in the world. I've been so dependent for so long. Me, who hates being dependent under any circumstances. Ironic, huh?
Well, enough whining for tonight.
Also did laundry. I know I'm doing too much. My chest hurts more than it has. I'm using my arms a lot cooking, lifting heavy pots, reaching, etc. I tell myself it's worth it, but I hope I'm not setting back my own recovery too much. The end of the month seems a ways off, but soon it'll be July 5 and I'll be back at work and I hope I'll be in shape to get through the days.
I think I'm feeling OK emotionally, then something will set me off and I'm sobbing and sobbing. I tried to sing a nursery song to the baby and suddenly I was crying so hard. I think it was about Mom. When Matthew was born I instinctively thought "I've got to tell Mom --!" Forgetting she's gone. I still have moments when I just can't comprehend a world without her in it. It hurts so much. Mommy, are you watching? Do you see our new baby? Did you feel this way when you were with me when I had Jenny?
Sometimes - well always I guess - I just don't understand this living thing. Or dying thing. What am I doing here? Do I welcome where we're all going, or is it all pure terror? Was my bypass the first step in my accepting my own impending death, or was it a reprieve or a bonus life?? How could I have been so close to death and not have been aware? Will I ever have the courage to face it?? Do I have the courage to fully live again?
My Cece is now blogging and what she writes scares me. Will we ever have our relationship back again anywhere near the same? Are we irreparably changed for the worse?? Can we "play" with abandon like before?? Have I now gotten too old; too fragile??
I'd wish for the time before all this happened, but how can I when I was "dead woman walking"? Can't go back anyway, so what's the sense wasting my time wishing. If I was going to wish for something, I'd wish to go back to when Mom was still here. I went through her death date this year in a blur - well, that was the day I started this blog. How odd.
I've got to get to some meetings when I get home. Aside from the meeting my dear ones brought to my house after the surgery, I haven't been to any. I have a doctor's appointment on the 21st; I hope he says I can drive again. That's bound to make me feel more like I'm back in the world. I've been so dependent for so long. Me, who hates being dependent under any circumstances. Ironic, huh?
Well, enough whining for tonight.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Home with baby
Beloved daughter is home with the baby. My daughter's friend took me grocery shopping and I spent a fortune stocking her fridge and cabinet. Made her a pot roast with potatoes and carrots and onions and salad tonight. Plenty to freeze about 6 individual dinners for her. Tomorrow I'll make chili and freeze what we don't eat. She lost a lot of blood and I want to make sure she's got the best quality food. Easy individual meals that she can grab, reheat, and have a home cooked meal to keep her healthy.
Unfortunately, I hurt my chest trying to put a lid on one of the Tupperware lids. It was the kind you have to push the flaps down and in. Felt a stabbing pain when I pushed the flap too hard. Of course, that action pulled my chest muscles. Hurt so bad and almost went down to my knees. This hasn't been a good few days as far as my chest healing.
This morning before my daughter came home, had several crying fits. I'm not sure why. More crazy, carnival ride of feelings since the bypass. My grandson will never know the pre-bypass me. That's kind of a funny thought. Like maybe I'm entering a new life.
I sure love hearing from y'all. Signing out for tonight.
Unfortunately, I hurt my chest trying to put a lid on one of the Tupperware lids. It was the kind you have to push the flaps down and in. Felt a stabbing pain when I pushed the flap too hard. Of course, that action pulled my chest muscles. Hurt so bad and almost went down to my knees. This hasn't been a good few days as far as my chest healing.
This morning before my daughter came home, had several crying fits. I'm not sure why. More crazy, carnival ride of feelings since the bypass. My grandson will never know the pre-bypass me. That's kind of a funny thought. Like maybe I'm entering a new life.
I sure love hearing from y'all. Signing out for tonight.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Sunday Night
Well, daughter delivered a hefty, 9 pound 10 ounce boy at 22:06 Saturday night after a very difficult labor. Her friend was unable to be there with Jenny's for the birth b/c the friend was out of town, so I was the only person there with her other than her doula. I'm sooo glad I made the decision to extend my time up here!!
I was at my sister's when my daughter called saying she had bad itching in her palms. It was so bad that she felt like tearing the skin off. She'd looked it up and discovered it could be a symptom on intrahepatic cholestasis - a serious condition of the liver which could be fatal to the baby. My sister told her to call her doula immediately. They had her come in to the hospital to check her liver. They took blood tests and were waiting for results of others when they decided they'd better induce her labor in an abundance of caution. Apparently, they'd lost a baby to this unusual complication only a few weeks earlier. Jenny insisted upon going home first. She'd been unprepared to stay at the hospital and wanted to pack her bag and take care of her dogs. She was back at the hospital about 01:00 or so and called us back. My sister woke up her husband and we all set out for the military hospital. At this point, the last time I'd slept was Thursday night. We got there at the hospital around 03:30 or so. They didn't actually start the Petocin until around 08:00, after having a LOT of trouble getting an IV in my poor daughter.
Jenny's friend finally got there around an hour and a half after my grandson's birth. She brought food!!! Neither of us had eaten all day long! We sure were happy to see her!! She's to be the baby's godmother. She drove me home after Jenny and baby were settled into a room. I was beyond exhausted. The night had been so intense - baby was so large he was stuck. It was only through the efforts of the doula and midwife that Jenny avoided a c-section. Baby Matthew's heart rate was dipping dangerously low as Jenny was trying to push him out. I was doing much more - physically - than I should have been. I kept taking a pain pill when things got really bad, and forging ahead.
When godmom took me home to Jenny's house, I was all but immobile. I slept til 13:30, got up for about an hour but was so exhausted and in pain that I just went back to bed. I've had to take a higher dosage of pain medication than I've had to use in about a week now. My chest hurts so bad and I can hardly use my arms. Guess I set myself back somewhat. I'm really hoping that I'll be better enough tomorrow so that I can cook her a good dinner when she comes home. Another of her friends agreed to come by tomorrow to take me to the store to get some supplies.
So, I'm here alone at my daughter's house. I washed her bedding so she'd have a fresh bed when she gets home. Taking care of her sweet doggies. On one hand, I'm glad that I'll be here for a few days after she's home with the baby - but I want to go home so badly I can't even let myself think about it.
So, that's what's happening in my world. I'm a grandma!!
I was at my sister's when my daughter called saying she had bad itching in her palms. It was so bad that she felt like tearing the skin off. She'd looked it up and discovered it could be a symptom on intrahepatic cholestasis - a serious condition of the liver which could be fatal to the baby. My sister told her to call her doula immediately. They had her come in to the hospital to check her liver. They took blood tests and were waiting for results of others when they decided they'd better induce her labor in an abundance of caution. Apparently, they'd lost a baby to this unusual complication only a few weeks earlier. Jenny insisted upon going home first. She'd been unprepared to stay at the hospital and wanted to pack her bag and take care of her dogs. She was back at the hospital about 01:00 or so and called us back. My sister woke up her husband and we all set out for the military hospital. At this point, the last time I'd slept was Thursday night. We got there at the hospital around 03:30 or so. They didn't actually start the Petocin until around 08:00, after having a LOT of trouble getting an IV in my poor daughter.
Jenny's friend finally got there around an hour and a half after my grandson's birth. She brought food!!! Neither of us had eaten all day long! We sure were happy to see her!! She's to be the baby's godmother. She drove me home after Jenny and baby were settled into a room. I was beyond exhausted. The night had been so intense - baby was so large he was stuck. It was only through the efforts of the doula and midwife that Jenny avoided a c-section. Baby Matthew's heart rate was dipping dangerously low as Jenny was trying to push him out. I was doing much more - physically - than I should have been. I kept taking a pain pill when things got really bad, and forging ahead.
When godmom took me home to Jenny's house, I was all but immobile. I slept til 13:30, got up for about an hour but was so exhausted and in pain that I just went back to bed. I've had to take a higher dosage of pain medication than I've had to use in about a week now. My chest hurts so bad and I can hardly use my arms. Guess I set myself back somewhat. I'm really hoping that I'll be better enough tomorrow so that I can cook her a good dinner when she comes home. Another of her friends agreed to come by tomorrow to take me to the store to get some supplies.
So, I'm here alone at my daughter's house. I washed her bedding so she'd have a fresh bed when she gets home. Taking care of her sweet doggies. On one hand, I'm glad that I'll be here for a few days after she's home with the baby - but I want to go home so badly I can't even let myself think about it.
So, that's what's happening in my world. I'm a grandma!!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Friday in NC
No baby yet, though my daughter had some problems for which she was checked out at hospital. All turned out OK. I was on pins and needles for awhile there. I worry about not having enough stamina if I'm up all day and she decides to go into labor at night. I get exhausted so easily.
Forgot to walk today and then it got dark and didn't want to walk at night. Tomorrow my BIL and I are going up to my nephew's house (their youngest son) up near Durham. We'll probably get way up there only to get a call from Jenny saying she's in labor. But we can't put our lives on hold.
I notice that when I'm laying down (sleeping or resting) and I'm comfortable, when I get up, my chest goes into mega-pain within the first couple of steps; as if the change in position really upsets everything. Does that happen to everyone I wonder? I'm starting to have trouble sleeping now that I'm not taking very much pain medication. That was a problem for me before the surgery, but I was hoping that it would be better now. Looks like it may still be a problem.
When I get home, I want to get all my medical records including the angiogram report and photos. I want to get the dictated report of the surgery itself. I want to look at them and study them and try to make sense out of this. I still have secret suspicions that I never really had blockages and this whole operation was a scam so that the doctors had something to do and/or make money off me. Sorry all doctors out there. I guess that's still of my denial clinging on. I mean, really, that's not possible is it??
I don't feel as depressed as I did a little while ago. I still feel disconnected with the world, though. And not sure about where and how I fit in and how do I put my life back together again? How can my relationship be the same? Are we always going to be afraid to rough house, have sex, or do other energetic things? Can I ride roller coasters anymore? Can I still dive?
I'm still using the breathing thingy they gave me at the hospital; the one where you breathe in and see how much you can inflate your lungs. As the numbers get higher, it takes longer to move to the next level. I don't know what a normal person can do with it. I do know that I can certainly breathe in better than when I started!! But not like I used to be able to b/c my tight chest seems to partially block a big breath. I hate the numb, yucky feeling of touching my scar. It feels so weird. Plus the doctors made a crooked incision. It's not centered properly. I've got a lopsided scar. Great.
I need to get a hold of my doctor. I should have called them today. The past two morning I've been waking up nauseous and shaky. I wonder if it's the meds? Or maybe my sugar is off. I don't start feeling OK until I've been up an hour or so. Don't know what that's about.
Well, really tired now and got to get to sleep. Long day ahead tomorrow - and that's if my daughter doesn't complicate things by going into labor. Of course, she's already late, so it would be wonderful if that little boy decided to join our world soon!
Signing off as "Darling Ducky".
Forgot to walk today and then it got dark and didn't want to walk at night. Tomorrow my BIL and I are going up to my nephew's house (their youngest son) up near Durham. We'll probably get way up there only to get a call from Jenny saying she's in labor. But we can't put our lives on hold.
I notice that when I'm laying down (sleeping or resting) and I'm comfortable, when I get up, my chest goes into mega-pain within the first couple of steps; as if the change in position really upsets everything. Does that happen to everyone I wonder? I'm starting to have trouble sleeping now that I'm not taking very much pain medication. That was a problem for me before the surgery, but I was hoping that it would be better now. Looks like it may still be a problem.
When I get home, I want to get all my medical records including the angiogram report and photos. I want to get the dictated report of the surgery itself. I want to look at them and study them and try to make sense out of this. I still have secret suspicions that I never really had blockages and this whole operation was a scam so that the doctors had something to do and/or make money off me. Sorry all doctors out there. I guess that's still of my denial clinging on. I mean, really, that's not possible is it??
I don't feel as depressed as I did a little while ago. I still feel disconnected with the world, though. And not sure about where and how I fit in and how do I put my life back together again? How can my relationship be the same? Are we always going to be afraid to rough house, have sex, or do other energetic things? Can I ride roller coasters anymore? Can I still dive?
I'm still using the breathing thingy they gave me at the hospital; the one where you breathe in and see how much you can inflate your lungs. As the numbers get higher, it takes longer to move to the next level. I don't know what a normal person can do with it. I do know that I can certainly breathe in better than when I started!! But not like I used to be able to b/c my tight chest seems to partially block a big breath. I hate the numb, yucky feeling of touching my scar. It feels so weird. Plus the doctors made a crooked incision. It's not centered properly. I've got a lopsided scar. Great.
I need to get a hold of my doctor. I should have called them today. The past two morning I've been waking up nauseous and shaky. I wonder if it's the meds? Or maybe my sugar is off. I don't start feeling OK until I've been up an hour or so. Don't know what that's about.
Well, really tired now and got to get to sleep. Long day ahead tomorrow - and that's if my daughter doesn't complicate things by going into labor. Of course, she's already late, so it would be wonderful if that little boy decided to join our world soon!
Signing off as "Darling Ducky".
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Back again
Well, missed yesterday b/c I stayed up so late. My sister's a/c broke down last evening and it got too hot to sleep. Felt dragged out all day today. Dude came by and fixed the a/c, so all is well. It was 97 here today and expected to be that hot tomorrow, too. What weather!! Worse than S. Florida!
In spite of everything, I walked today and yesterday. My stamina is improving and my legs don't look so wasted away as they did. Beginning to build up a little muscle tissue. But my chest and arms are still the problem. My sister's pug jumped onto the couch where I was laying down today, right onto my chest!!! I thought I was going to die! The pain finally subsided and I determined that nothing seemed to be "broken" but my chest hurt worse the rest of the day. I KNEW that dumb dog was going to get me sooner or later. It has no manners at all. My daughter's dogs are MUCH better behaved. But they're all good dogs, really.
I miss my kitties. Feel like I've left my real life behind, but then I recall that I even felt that way when I was recovering at home, so I think it's more the surgery and its aftermath more than being up here.
Still no freaking baby!! I worry that they'll talk my daughter into getting some kind of intervention, like inducement or something just because she's a little late. Still, I know she's SO mentally and physically ready to have the baby. Of course, she has no idea of what a pain in the ass the little bugger will be once he's out. he he
Overall, I'm still feeling a LITTLE less depressed than I was. There must be some reason all this happened. I think. I'm grateful for how it all played out, given that I could well have just dropped dead of a heart attack or cardiac arrest without ever having a clue that there was anything wrong with my heart.
Would love to hear from those reading this. Is it helpful? Not so much??
In spite of everything, I walked today and yesterday. My stamina is improving and my legs don't look so wasted away as they did. Beginning to build up a little muscle tissue. But my chest and arms are still the problem. My sister's pug jumped onto the couch where I was laying down today, right onto my chest!!! I thought I was going to die! The pain finally subsided and I determined that nothing seemed to be "broken" but my chest hurt worse the rest of the day. I KNEW that dumb dog was going to get me sooner or later. It has no manners at all. My daughter's dogs are MUCH better behaved. But they're all good dogs, really.
I miss my kitties. Feel like I've left my real life behind, but then I recall that I even felt that way when I was recovering at home, so I think it's more the surgery and its aftermath more than being up here.
Still no freaking baby!! I worry that they'll talk my daughter into getting some kind of intervention, like inducement or something just because she's a little late. Still, I know she's SO mentally and physically ready to have the baby. Of course, she has no idea of what a pain in the ass the little bugger will be once he's out. he he
Overall, I'm still feeling a LITTLE less depressed than I was. There must be some reason all this happened. I think. I'm grateful for how it all played out, given that I could well have just dropped dead of a heart attack or cardiac arrest without ever having a clue that there was anything wrong with my heart.
Would love to hear from those reading this. Is it helpful? Not so much??
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Tuesday progress
At my sister's and not as depressed. That feels good - to not get up feeling like the weight of the world is crushing you. Aside from going out to the supermarket and walking up and down the isles, I didn't do any exercise today. Just felt worn out. Had a long nap this afternoon and now stayed up late again.
Still no grandbaby. Decided to extend my stay until the 18th. Of course US Air wouldn't let me change my flight without a HUGE fee, so it was cheaper to just book another one-way fare. Cece is sending my meds overnight. I think she was real disappointed that I decided to stay. But, still, it made sense. Now, if the baby will only cooperate . . .
I wake up lately with not too much pain in my chest; more just stiffness. Can't lean my head back to look up very comfortably. My chest feels so tight. But as the day goes on, the pain builds. By the end of the night I find myself rubbing and rubbing my chest, trying to soothe it. Not that it helps.
So, maybe I really WILL have a life after all this. Maybe this isn't a prelude to my imminent death. Is it foolish to hope?
Still no grandbaby. Decided to extend my stay until the 18th. Of course US Air wouldn't let me change my flight without a HUGE fee, so it was cheaper to just book another one-way fare. Cece is sending my meds overnight. I think she was real disappointed that I decided to stay. But, still, it made sense. Now, if the baby will only cooperate . . .
I wake up lately with not too much pain in my chest; more just stiffness. Can't lean my head back to look up very comfortably. My chest feels so tight. But as the day goes on, the pain builds. By the end of the night I find myself rubbing and rubbing my chest, trying to soothe it. Not that it helps.
So, maybe I really WILL have a life after all this. Maybe this isn't a prelude to my imminent death. Is it foolish to hope?
LATE Monday night
OK, it's actually Tuesday morning, 03:00. I'm back here at my sister's and the consensus here with sister and BIL is that I'd be crazy to have come up here to go back just before the baby is born. So tomorrow I'm going to look into staying. Beloved will have to send my meds up overnight b/c she only packed enough for me for the time she expected me to be away. Don't know how hard a time US Air is going to give me trying to change the unchangeable ticket.
No, daughter still hasn't gone into labor yet and she's the most disgusted one of all of us. She brought me back over to my sister's b/c she knows Peggy is up and around after working an all night shift Sunday-Monday. So we stayed up and talked and watched TV and talked some more and had tea.
Took the longest walk yet Sunday with my ex. It felt good until the last 1/3 when I felt more breathless and my chest hurt. I swear it feels like my heart is flopping around in my chest cavity unattached to anything and it bounces with every step I take. Yucking feeling. But when I woke up this morning, I felt stronger than ever and that felt so hopeful I wasn't as depressed as I usually am upon waking.
Before the surgery, I had to take Lunesta just about nightly in order to sleep. Has been that way since my mother died in 2006. But since the surgery I haven't had to take it once. Now, the fact that I can stay up as late as I want and not have to worry about getting up for work may have something to do with that; I don't know. In the first couple of weeks home, sleeping on the lazy-boy chair in the living room, I slept like a newborn baby sleeps: an hour or so at a time. I couldn't get up by myself back then and couldn't get up to turn on a light. Cece and Lola gave me a little flashlight to use to read if I wanted to, or I'd play on my iPhone until I got sleepy again.
Now, I'm sleeping for longer periods at a time, but still taking naps during the day. Today I went to sleep after my daughter and I went and got our nails done. Came home, had something to eat and conked out. Was sleeping so hard that, even though my bedroom is closest to her front door, I never heard the doorbell ring or heard the dogs barking when a friend of my daughter's came to visit.
I don't feel as lonely here with Peggy. We really talk on a deep level and she's so insightful. I like being at both places for different reasons. As soon as we got here this evening, I asked my niece if she'd walk with me. It was almost dark and I hadn't gotten my walk in. We didn't go as far as I did the day before, but I didn't have as much stamina. I'd gotten so hopeful, but any time I push my body, it pushes back. My niece said she noticed a difference since I'd been there last week. Last week I couldn't push open their sliding glass door onto their Carolina room, but I can with difficulty now.
I was talking to wife about going back to work. Have to talk to Dr. V. about it and get a note from him. I can't see being able to work at a desk and/or at a computer 8 hours a day - or even 4 hours yet. Or by the 15th which at this point is the earliest work thinks I might be back. It's the 7th now, and although I'm getting better all the time, it's one day good and then the next day or next couple of days not so good. Overall, the pain is getting much more bearable most of the time, but can come back with a vengeance when I'm up and about too much. I'm going to ask the doctor about all this. I don't think I'll be ready to go back to work til the end of the month. Hopefully, I'll still have a job.
Unexpected things bring pain: Like riding in a car. If it's a windy road or bumpy, it hurts. You don't realize how many muscles you use balancing yourself upright when you're a passenger in a car. I sure am aware of it now. I'm exhausted if it's a long trip or the ride isn't real smooth.
Did I say that my hormones are all screwed up? I had a hysterectomy back in the early 80's and have been on bio-identical hormones for ages now. But in the past couple of weeks I've been having lots of hot flashes, especially at night. When I get back I'll have to check with my homeopathic doctor to see if my medication needs adjusting or what. Did the shock of the surgery put my hormonal system out of whack? Seems like it. Guess everything about my body - directly connected to my heart or not - has taken a hit.
Got to get some sleep. If my daughter called right now, I'd be useless with no sleep. Besides, not sure how I'd get to her. BIL isn't always very cooperative. We'll see.
I'd sure love some feedback from those who've been through this before me. How long am I going to be so weak? Is there a new "normal" for me? Can one live after this without fear of the future?
No, daughter still hasn't gone into labor yet and she's the most disgusted one of all of us. She brought me back over to my sister's b/c she knows Peggy is up and around after working an all night shift Sunday-Monday. So we stayed up and talked and watched TV and talked some more and had tea.
Took the longest walk yet Sunday with my ex. It felt good until the last 1/3 when I felt more breathless and my chest hurt. I swear it feels like my heart is flopping around in my chest cavity unattached to anything and it bounces with every step I take. Yucking feeling. But when I woke up this morning, I felt stronger than ever and that felt so hopeful I wasn't as depressed as I usually am upon waking.
Before the surgery, I had to take Lunesta just about nightly in order to sleep. Has been that way since my mother died in 2006. But since the surgery I haven't had to take it once. Now, the fact that I can stay up as late as I want and not have to worry about getting up for work may have something to do with that; I don't know. In the first couple of weeks home, sleeping on the lazy-boy chair in the living room, I slept like a newborn baby sleeps: an hour or so at a time. I couldn't get up by myself back then and couldn't get up to turn on a light. Cece and Lola gave me a little flashlight to use to read if I wanted to, or I'd play on my iPhone until I got sleepy again.
Now, I'm sleeping for longer periods at a time, but still taking naps during the day. Today I went to sleep after my daughter and I went and got our nails done. Came home, had something to eat and conked out. Was sleeping so hard that, even though my bedroom is closest to her front door, I never heard the doorbell ring or heard the dogs barking when a friend of my daughter's came to visit.
I don't feel as lonely here with Peggy. We really talk on a deep level and she's so insightful. I like being at both places for different reasons. As soon as we got here this evening, I asked my niece if she'd walk with me. It was almost dark and I hadn't gotten my walk in. We didn't go as far as I did the day before, but I didn't have as much stamina. I'd gotten so hopeful, but any time I push my body, it pushes back. My niece said she noticed a difference since I'd been there last week. Last week I couldn't push open their sliding glass door onto their Carolina room, but I can with difficulty now.
I was talking to wife about going back to work. Have to talk to Dr. V. about it and get a note from him. I can't see being able to work at a desk and/or at a computer 8 hours a day - or even 4 hours yet. Or by the 15th which at this point is the earliest work thinks I might be back. It's the 7th now, and although I'm getting better all the time, it's one day good and then the next day or next couple of days not so good. Overall, the pain is getting much more bearable most of the time, but can come back with a vengeance when I'm up and about too much. I'm going to ask the doctor about all this. I don't think I'll be ready to go back to work til the end of the month. Hopefully, I'll still have a job.
Unexpected things bring pain: Like riding in a car. If it's a windy road or bumpy, it hurts. You don't realize how many muscles you use balancing yourself upright when you're a passenger in a car. I sure am aware of it now. I'm exhausted if it's a long trip or the ride isn't real smooth.
Did I say that my hormones are all screwed up? I had a hysterectomy back in the early 80's and have been on bio-identical hormones for ages now. But in the past couple of weeks I've been having lots of hot flashes, especially at night. When I get back I'll have to check with my homeopathic doctor to see if my medication needs adjusting or what. Did the shock of the surgery put my hormonal system out of whack? Seems like it. Guess everything about my body - directly connected to my heart or not - has taken a hit.
Got to get some sleep. If my daughter called right now, I'd be useless with no sleep. Besides, not sure how I'd get to her. BIL isn't always very cooperative. We'll see.
I'd sure love some feedback from those who've been through this before me. How long am I going to be so weak? Is there a new "normal" for me? Can one live after this without fear of the future?
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Sunday thoughts
In the past few nights I've been able to lie almost flat in the bed instead of having to sleep half sitting up. Also, last night I tried sleeping on my side again. I still need to hug a pillow tightly to my chest, but I can do it and it feels so good to sleep on my side again. I equate back sleeping with illness or injury.
It seems that I can do a little more each day without paying the price of feeling like I've been hit by a truck. I hate the way the incision area feels - numb and painful at the same time. And the numbness extends out from the incision to my breasts and almost to the nipples. I know the nerves are going to take a long time to heal. Kinda glad my nipples were spared. :-)
I didn't take a walk yesterday b/c we did a lot of running around - so I got the walking in without taking a formal walk.
I get up each morning feeling overwhelmed with depression. When I get home I'll have to talk to my primary physician. Do I have to just suck it up or can she increase my antidepressant medications without hurting me? I feel like my heart is in the toilet. A lot of it is fear, I think. I project: What if the bypasses fail (like my BIL's did)? I can't go through this again. How long will it take for these arteries to clog? What happens then? Was this a new lease on life or the preview of how the rest of my life is going to be? I'm afraid of the future and not OK with just happened to me.
I'm in a quandary about whether to extend my stay - since my uncooperative daughter is not showing any signs that she's having the baby any time soon - or to just go home Wednesday. It would be such a shame to miss the birth after coming up here. Then again, I'm still not in a position to be the help I wanted to be for my daughter. I had visions of helping her in her first week home after the baby was born; that chaotic first week when you're trying to absorb all the changes in your life. But actually, in the shape I'm in, I'm no real help. When I first got here I was probably a burden. Things have gotten better, but I'm still not a HELP to her. Just here. Waiting with her. Today is her due date.
When I laid on my side, I could feel and hear my heart beating so fast. Why is it beating so fast?? I wonder if something's wrong?
I'm no closer to figuring out what this all means than when I started. I just went through it and did the best I could do. I REALLY want to figure out how and why this happened so maybe I can prevent it again. Is that possible? Should I have 6 month angiograms?? Wait for symptoms?? That's scary b/c the symptoms I had before were so nebulous. I could easily miss them. I still feel weird in my own body. Or maybe it's that my body feels weird to me. I didn't feel this way when I had my hysterectomy or my appendectomy. Oh, I had feelings about it, but not like this.
Signing off for now. I'm (not quite) Dead Ducky.
It seems that I can do a little more each day without paying the price of feeling like I've been hit by a truck. I hate the way the incision area feels - numb and painful at the same time. And the numbness extends out from the incision to my breasts and almost to the nipples. I know the nerves are going to take a long time to heal. Kinda glad my nipples were spared. :-)
I didn't take a walk yesterday b/c we did a lot of running around - so I got the walking in without taking a formal walk.
I get up each morning feeling overwhelmed with depression. When I get home I'll have to talk to my primary physician. Do I have to just suck it up or can she increase my antidepressant medications without hurting me? I feel like my heart is in the toilet. A lot of it is fear, I think. I project: What if the bypasses fail (like my BIL's did)? I can't go through this again. How long will it take for these arteries to clog? What happens then? Was this a new lease on life or the preview of how the rest of my life is going to be? I'm afraid of the future and not OK with just happened to me.
I'm in a quandary about whether to extend my stay - since my uncooperative daughter is not showing any signs that she's having the baby any time soon - or to just go home Wednesday. It would be such a shame to miss the birth after coming up here. Then again, I'm still not in a position to be the help I wanted to be for my daughter. I had visions of helping her in her first week home after the baby was born; that chaotic first week when you're trying to absorb all the changes in your life. But actually, in the shape I'm in, I'm no real help. When I first got here I was probably a burden. Things have gotten better, but I'm still not a HELP to her. Just here. Waiting with her. Today is her due date.
When I laid on my side, I could feel and hear my heart beating so fast. Why is it beating so fast?? I wonder if something's wrong?
I'm no closer to figuring out what this all means than when I started. I just went through it and did the best I could do. I REALLY want to figure out how and why this happened so maybe I can prevent it again. Is that possible? Should I have 6 month angiograms?? Wait for symptoms?? That's scary b/c the symptoms I had before were so nebulous. I could easily miss them. I still feel weird in my own body. Or maybe it's that my body feels weird to me. I didn't feel this way when I had my hysterectomy or my appendectomy. Oh, I had feelings about it, but not like this.
Signing off for now. I'm (not quite) Dead Ducky.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Fair Friday
I asked my sister about this when I was with her, but didn't get a definitive answer. When I lean forward, it feels like my heart and lungs flop against my chest - like they're just floating around in my chest cavity unattached to anything to hold them into place. Were they always like that and I didn't notice?
Today when I walked, it felt like with each step my heart was jiggling - once again as though it wasn't attached to anything. It used to be painful, but today on my walk it just felt a little weird. Can it be that my heart is just flopping around in my chest cavity? Will it ever feel like it's in place? Do other people experience this?
I walked alone for the first time. Asked my daughter to walk with me - thinking it would be good for her to walk, as well as being safer for me - but she didn't want to go. I told her before I came that I'd want her to walk with me, and she agreed, but now that I'm here she hasn't walked with me yet. Then I thought - well I've got to take the plunge sooner or later and walk by myself. Might as well be now. I tried not to think about what would happen if I tripped and fell or got dizzy or something. But all went well and it was actually cooler this evening.
Most of this morning felt so depressed it felt like I couldn't breathe. Just crushing loneliness, depression, and sadness. Yet I'm isolating. I made the effort and called back a few of the people who've called and left messages. Sometimes I have flashes where I feel optimistic - but they don't last long.
I hate the way my chest feels. Not just the scar, but a good ways on either side of it, too. An awful, numb but painful uncomfortable feeling. All the nerves are screwed up and I know they take forever to heal.
Oh yeah, still no baby. Shit.
Today when I walked, it felt like with each step my heart was jiggling - once again as though it wasn't attached to anything. It used to be painful, but today on my walk it just felt a little weird. Can it be that my heart is just flopping around in my chest cavity? Will it ever feel like it's in place? Do other people experience this?
I walked alone for the first time. Asked my daughter to walk with me - thinking it would be good for her to walk, as well as being safer for me - but she didn't want to go. I told her before I came that I'd want her to walk with me, and she agreed, but now that I'm here she hasn't walked with me yet. Then I thought - well I've got to take the plunge sooner or later and walk by myself. Might as well be now. I tried not to think about what would happen if I tripped and fell or got dizzy or something. But all went well and it was actually cooler this evening.
Most of this morning felt so depressed it felt like I couldn't breathe. Just crushing loneliness, depression, and sadness. Yet I'm isolating. I made the effort and called back a few of the people who've called and left messages. Sometimes I have flashes where I feel optimistic - but they don't last long.
I hate the way my chest feels. Not just the scar, but a good ways on either side of it, too. An awful, numb but painful uncomfortable feeling. All the nerves are screwed up and I know they take forever to heal.
Oh yeah, still no baby. Shit.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Still no baby
Today went better than I expected - as far as my ex is concerned. Jenny's so sick of being pregnant; still working and her hands are swelling and hurting.
I went for a long walk with the ex (as daughter was busy taking a test) but might have pushed it too far. I wasn't paying attention, as he was asking about what happened and I was telling him the story. Now my chest is on fire. Hurting and burning. Just when I thought I was really getting ahead of the pain.
Work called me and I didn't know what to say. I want to keep them happy but I don't want to get myself in a situation where I'm trying to do too much too fast.
Still so fucking sad!! It occurred to me that I haven't been praying and maybe it's time I started doing that regularly again. I've been so afraid you'd have thought I'd already been doing that but my focus has been so much on surviving and getting better FAST. When I get home, I've got to get back to some meetings. I feel isolated. I wish Jenny would have her baby; I hope she has it by the 8th b/c I don't think I want to extend my stay. I'm lonely and I want to go home.
Well, I might call myself Dead Ducky but I'm not dead yet!! This plugged up heart of mine didn't kill me. I'm profoundly grateful for that, even in the midst of sadness.
I went for a long walk with the ex (as daughter was busy taking a test) but might have pushed it too far. I wasn't paying attention, as he was asking about what happened and I was telling him the story. Now my chest is on fire. Hurting and burning. Just when I thought I was really getting ahead of the pain.
Work called me and I didn't know what to say. I want to keep them happy but I don't want to get myself in a situation where I'm trying to do too much too fast.
Still so fucking sad!! It occurred to me that I haven't been praying and maybe it's time I started doing that regularly again. I've been so afraid you'd have thought I'd already been doing that but my focus has been so much on surviving and getting better FAST. When I get home, I've got to get back to some meetings. I feel isolated. I wish Jenny would have her baby; I hope she has it by the 8th b/c I don't think I want to extend my stay. I'm lonely and I want to go home.
Well, I might call myself Dead Ducky but I'm not dead yet!! This plugged up heart of mine didn't kill me. I'm profoundly grateful for that, even in the midst of sadness.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
I MADE IT A MONTH!!
4 weeks since my bypass. Back at my daughter's house now. Told my sister about my blog but she didn't seem interested. It was good to visit with her, though. They understand what I'm going through probably more than anyone else I've talked to.
My sister said nurses have some phrase for what I'm going through: some kind of disturbed body image, I think she called it. The feelings seem to flow past, one chasing the other. One minute I'll feel OK, the next I'll be so sad and not sure why. My chest is feeling somewhat better overall, but I can easily get it mad without doing much. Today was a lazy day, but we did a lot yesterday. I was really tired all day. Wonder if I'll sleep tonight?
My daughter's father - with whom I used to get along very well with - is coming to Jenny's house sometime tonight. We had a major falling out last year and I'm not looking forward to dealing with him. On the other hand, might as well sooner than later, since we will both be sharing the care of my daughter's baby when she gets deployed in the latter part of this year. We've been divorced for 25 or so years and have always dealt pretty well with each other; especially in raising our daughter. It's too bad things are so changed now.
I miss my wife. It's weird, part of me feels like everything else is different, why shouldn't where I am be different, too?? What's it going to be like going back to work? How long is it going to take before I feel strong again? How will I know if I'm really all right, when I didn't seem to know when I THOUGHT I knew??!! I hate this weak, vulnerable feeling. I want to feel different. I want to think I'll be happy again. Will I? Will I ever feel safe again?? Is that too much to ask??
This is so fucked up and I don't know what to do about it. Who am I now?? Will life ever feel natural and normal again?? Will I ever be unafraid again?
There I go, sliding into a morass of self-pity. But who else should I feel sorry for?? If I can't feel sorry about a bypass, what would it take for a little self-pity to be all right? But, really, I can't stay in it all that long b/c it just makes everything worse. Like giving a drunk a drink.
I do feel somewhat "dead ducky" tonight. Forgive me.
My sister said nurses have some phrase for what I'm going through: some kind of disturbed body image, I think she called it. The feelings seem to flow past, one chasing the other. One minute I'll feel OK, the next I'll be so sad and not sure why. My chest is feeling somewhat better overall, but I can easily get it mad without doing much. Today was a lazy day, but we did a lot yesterday. I was really tired all day. Wonder if I'll sleep tonight?
My daughter's father - with whom I used to get along very well with - is coming to Jenny's house sometime tonight. We had a major falling out last year and I'm not looking forward to dealing with him. On the other hand, might as well sooner than later, since we will both be sharing the care of my daughter's baby when she gets deployed in the latter part of this year. We've been divorced for 25 or so years and have always dealt pretty well with each other; especially in raising our daughter. It's too bad things are so changed now.
I miss my wife. It's weird, part of me feels like everything else is different, why shouldn't where I am be different, too?? What's it going to be like going back to work? How long is it going to take before I feel strong again? How will I know if I'm really all right, when I didn't seem to know when I THOUGHT I knew??!! I hate this weak, vulnerable feeling. I want to feel different. I want to think I'll be happy again. Will I? Will I ever feel safe again?? Is that too much to ask??
This is so fucked up and I don't know what to do about it. Who am I now?? Will life ever feel natural and normal again?? Will I ever be unafraid again?
There I go, sliding into a morass of self-pity. But who else should I feel sorry for?? If I can't feel sorry about a bypass, what would it take for a little self-pity to be all right? But, really, I can't stay in it all that long b/c it just makes everything worse. Like giving a drunk a drink.
I do feel somewhat "dead ducky" tonight. Forgive me.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Almost a month!
So, now I'm here at my sister's and probably did too much today. But, overall, I'm having to take less pain meds, so I guess that's progress.
With my sister, Peggy, I'm able to piece together what happened. Peggy's an RN on an oncology ward and has had 2 MI's herself, even though she's almost 4 years younger than I am. She's my one relative that's lived through the heart attacks. Well, my dad lived through his first one, too, and so did my mom. My little brother (9 years younger) Andy, lived through his first one, too, but only by 11 months. Anyway, Peg could explain things and share what happened from her point of view. It's a wonder that I was so deeply in denial all these years. I absolutely wouldn't take my family's cardiac history seriously. Well - that's not right. I took it seriously - it scared the hell out of me - but I refused to believe it could happen to me. I told Peggy that - for being so close to dropping dead - I should have had more symptoms. She pointed out that I HAD had symptoms, but that my response was to blow them off or explain them away. And my GI troubles didn't help b/c I could and did attribute some of the signs as gut stuff or GERD.
She wasn't hesitant to point out the various things I'd told her in the past year - like my having a little chest pain while dragging my rolling bag from the office to the parking lot one day and how I had to stop several times to catch my breath and to wait til the pain subsided. She had a lot of other examples.
My brother-in-law, Dan, has had quadruple (?) bypass surgery after experiencing cardiac arrest and having multiple stents put into place. Not even a year later, all but one of the bypasses had failed and he had to have more stents put in. He also shared that one of his wires in his chest has broken and pokes him from time to time. He doesn't want to fix it b/c he says that they'll have to partially re-open his chest. Shit, I didn't even know that COULD happen!! How does he live with all this? How does he handle it, emotionally?! He says he's needed stuff to help him sleep ever since this started b/c laying there in bed thinking about all the possibilities was hell. So the answer to this re-definition of self isn't going to be simple or easy. Fancy that.
I miss by Cece terribly, but I appreciate that she's relieved of the stress of taking care of me and trying to be in two places half the time.
Still nothing as far as my daughter going into labor. I hope she doesn't fart around and not have it until I have to leave. On the other hand, every day that goes by I'm a little stronger and can be more help to Jenny instead of someone else to take care of.
My sister doesn't have a lazy-boy so I'm sleeping on a regular bed with tons of pillows. It's not quite as comfortable as the lounger, but still worked all right. I'm waiting for the day when I can actually sleep on my side again. I'm not a natural back sleeper, but that's my only choice right now.
With my sister, Peggy, I'm able to piece together what happened. Peggy's an RN on an oncology ward and has had 2 MI's herself, even though she's almost 4 years younger than I am. She's my one relative that's lived through the heart attacks. Well, my dad lived through his first one, too, and so did my mom. My little brother (9 years younger) Andy, lived through his first one, too, but only by 11 months. Anyway, Peg could explain things and share what happened from her point of view. It's a wonder that I was so deeply in denial all these years. I absolutely wouldn't take my family's cardiac history seriously. Well - that's not right. I took it seriously - it scared the hell out of me - but I refused to believe it could happen to me. I told Peggy that - for being so close to dropping dead - I should have had more symptoms. She pointed out that I HAD had symptoms, but that my response was to blow them off or explain them away. And my GI troubles didn't help b/c I could and did attribute some of the signs as gut stuff or GERD.
She wasn't hesitant to point out the various things I'd told her in the past year - like my having a little chest pain while dragging my rolling bag from the office to the parking lot one day and how I had to stop several times to catch my breath and to wait til the pain subsided. She had a lot of other examples.
My brother-in-law, Dan, has had quadruple (?) bypass surgery after experiencing cardiac arrest and having multiple stents put into place. Not even a year later, all but one of the bypasses had failed and he had to have more stents put in. He also shared that one of his wires in his chest has broken and pokes him from time to time. He doesn't want to fix it b/c he says that they'll have to partially re-open his chest. Shit, I didn't even know that COULD happen!! How does he live with all this? How does he handle it, emotionally?! He says he's needed stuff to help him sleep ever since this started b/c laying there in bed thinking about all the possibilities was hell. So the answer to this re-definition of self isn't going to be simple or easy. Fancy that.
I miss by Cece terribly, but I appreciate that she's relieved of the stress of taking care of me and trying to be in two places half the time.
Still nothing as far as my daughter going into labor. I hope she doesn't fart around and not have it until I have to leave. On the other hand, every day that goes by I'm a little stronger and can be more help to Jenny instead of someone else to take care of.
My sister doesn't have a lazy-boy so I'm sleeping on a regular bed with tons of pillows. It's not quite as comfortable as the lounger, but still worked all right. I'm waiting for the day when I can actually sleep on my side again. I'm not a natural back sleeper, but that's my only choice right now.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Here in NC
Made the plane trip ok, though it was a bit of a nightmare. That was Saturday. US Airways not all that good at taking care of its wheelchair passengers - much less those that have a layover.
Here at my daughter, Jenny's. She moved her large lazy-boy into the TV room. It's more comfortable than my chair at home. Although she's 9 months pregnant herself, she's taking pretty good care of me. But I miss my wife already and feel displaced. Yesterday found myself crying off and on - without any reason I could put my finger on except that I felt lonely and sorry for myself b/c of everything that's happened. It's so hard to come to grips with what's happened to me. I'd give anything for this not to have happened. Now I know what my sister was trying to convey after she had her massive heart attack.
Surprisingly, felt pretty good physically Sunday. I thought the trip would really set me back but I didn't feel all that bad the next morning. I went for a long ride with my daughter who's taking care of her friend's animals while her friend is out of town. Now, I WAS hurting when I got back from that. Daughter doesn't seem to appreciate how weak I still really am. When I asked for a glass of water, she grumbled saying that I ought to get it myself b/c it would help me. Maybe she's right, but I'll stick to my doctor's instructions to do what I can, but back off and rest when I've done more than enough for the day. I wish it was already behind me - say like 6 months or so. I wonder, though, how long it'll take me to feel better inside?
My cardiologist, Dr. V., thought I was pushing it by coming up, but bowed to the cardiac surgeon's opinion. But he also said he wanted me to enroll in cardiac rehab. He said that most of his patients enjoy it. I'm open to going, if only to meet others who've gone through the same thing.
I wonder how much time I have left? How much did this affect my lifespan? I fear having to have stents or more surgery down the road. I don't think I could do this again. So many "what if's" rattling around in my head. Blah blah - I wish I could turn it all off!!
Incision site still giving me the most pain. I'm able to breathe in much more fully now, though.
I know that I'll be turned over to my sister's care in the next day or to, but don't know how or when that's going to happen. It's about an hour from sister's house to daughter's. Hate not being able to drive - but can see why that's out of the question. Not all that much I can do with my arms that doesn't put a serious hurting on my chest. Yes, I did bring my hospital bear; Bruna. She's my little security blanket and buddy.
Sorry I didn't blog for a few days. I admire my friends who blog on a daily basis. Not sure if I can be that consistent, but I'll try.
I've never been away from my Beloved this long. Even when I made these reservations when I was (thought I was) perfectly healthy, being away for a full 12 days gave me pause. Now, without her and without my sense of self . . . it feels really weird. Will I ever feel normal again?
Here at my daughter, Jenny's. She moved her large lazy-boy into the TV room. It's more comfortable than my chair at home. Although she's 9 months pregnant herself, she's taking pretty good care of me. But I miss my wife already and feel displaced. Yesterday found myself crying off and on - without any reason I could put my finger on except that I felt lonely and sorry for myself b/c of everything that's happened. It's so hard to come to grips with what's happened to me. I'd give anything for this not to have happened. Now I know what my sister was trying to convey after she had her massive heart attack.
Surprisingly, felt pretty good physically Sunday. I thought the trip would really set me back but I didn't feel all that bad the next morning. I went for a long ride with my daughter who's taking care of her friend's animals while her friend is out of town. Now, I WAS hurting when I got back from that. Daughter doesn't seem to appreciate how weak I still really am. When I asked for a glass of water, she grumbled saying that I ought to get it myself b/c it would help me. Maybe she's right, but I'll stick to my doctor's instructions to do what I can, but back off and rest when I've done more than enough for the day. I wish it was already behind me - say like 6 months or so. I wonder, though, how long it'll take me to feel better inside?
My cardiologist, Dr. V., thought I was pushing it by coming up, but bowed to the cardiac surgeon's opinion. But he also said he wanted me to enroll in cardiac rehab. He said that most of his patients enjoy it. I'm open to going, if only to meet others who've gone through the same thing.
I wonder how much time I have left? How much did this affect my lifespan? I fear having to have stents or more surgery down the road. I don't think I could do this again. So many "what if's" rattling around in my head. Blah blah - I wish I could turn it all off!!
Incision site still giving me the most pain. I'm able to breathe in much more fully now, though.
I know that I'll be turned over to my sister's care in the next day or to, but don't know how or when that's going to happen. It's about an hour from sister's house to daughter's. Hate not being able to drive - but can see why that's out of the question. Not all that much I can do with my arms that doesn't put a serious hurting on my chest. Yes, I did bring my hospital bear; Bruna. She's my little security blanket and buddy.
Sorry I didn't blog for a few days. I admire my friends who blog on a daily basis. Not sure if I can be that consistent, but I'll try.
I've never been away from my Beloved this long. Even when I made these reservations when I was (thought I was) perfectly healthy, being away for a full 12 days gave me pause. Now, without her and without my sense of self . . . it feels really weird. Will I ever feel normal again?
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Wednesday on the move
Saw Dr. H. yesterday and he was pleased with my progress. YEA! He's totally OK with my going up to NC - just says get a wheelchair and let them "baby" me. He picked the loose pieces of glue from my incision and it looks much better now. You can see where the actual scar line will be. I wonder if I'll ever get used to it?? The men I've talked to who've had bypass surgery haven't worried a whole lot about their scars. Seems to be a female thing. Or maybe they (men) just hide it.
I have mixed feelings about going to NC. I know my darling doesn't have anyone else to "watch" me next week while she's working and she doesn't feel comfortable leaving me alone all day. So my sister and BIL babysitting me makes her feel more secure. I like the idea myself. Plus I can never see enough of my sister - who has many health issues of her own.
I'm mostly over feeling unwanted by my daughter, realizing that she has her own fears about becoming a single mother and having a mother who - instead of taking care of her - might need caring for herself! Who knows, it's entirely possible that she won't even have the baby until after I go home. Who can predict these things? I certainly had no idea when I made the reservations that I would be 3 + weeks from bypass surgery!
I'm having to think about getting all my stuff and medicines together for the trip. How daunting!! Went to my primary doc this morning. As expected, my blood pressure was up after having Dr. H. take me off my Diovan since the surgery. Dr. W. (primary) got me right back on it and I took one when I got home. Seems that surgery makes the blood pressure go down. Maybe all the extra fluids they give you?? Or maybe it's just the shock to the system. Dr. W. wrote me another script for my pain meds in case I run out before I get back. Also stocked up on my anti-depressant (Cymbalta). God knows I'm having a tussle with depression. Of course, that's probably completely normal in this situation.
I got into my waterbed for the first time since the surgery yesterday. Figured Lola would haul me out if I couldn't get my own ass out of the bed. I've slept in a waterbed so many years, though, that it wasn't difficult for me to get out of the bed. It DOES, however, put a lot of pressure on the arm and shoulder closest to the outside of the bed as you roll out. As I lay there in my bed, looking out the window at my mango tree, my thoughts went to that fatal Thursday morning (April 28th) when I woke up with those pesky palpitations that started this whole mess. Who would have thought I'd be laying there today weeks later with my chest having been opened up?? I felt a wave of sadness run through me so strongly. That "nothing will ever be the same again" blue feeling. I know I should be grateful to be alive - and I am. But still. Still. I still wonder in awe "how could this have happened to me?" I'm mortal; like the rest of you. Didn't I know that?? Yes, but. . .
When I went into Dr. H.'s office yesterday, the women at the front desk almost literally jumped up and down with excitement, telling me how much BETTER I looked than last week. They were so happy. And all I could think was "who ARE these people?" I didn't remember even seeing them. Cece asked didn't I remember barely being able to walk into the office last Wednesday (all the way from the parking lot)? I pushed and recalled a few things, but still didn't remember the office women or talking to them. That was just last Wednesday. Hell, I've been blogging since then! How strange and how hopeful that so much can change in 6 days!!!
I'm tired a lot, though. Running around to these visits really tires me out. And puts me in pain. I'm able to cut down to 1 pain pill every 4 hours at night but still need the full 1 1/2 during the day to get through. That, like everything else, I have to have patience with. I'm not all that good on patience.
I keep reliving the time in the hospital. Mostly the feelings, since the details are so screwed up in my brain. The unbelievable fear and pain and exhaustion and weakness. What other words can describe it? There must be more b/c I FELT more!! And I remember my fierce determination to LIVE and get well!! And I remember once, some place along the way, thinking that no wonder Mom gave up and just passed on. It was just too hard for her. Had I known how hard it would be, would I have just given up, too? I don't know. I don't think so - but I'm not sure. Anyone who comes through this type of surgery (and I'm sure other types qualify too) is a courageous warrior who at some point makes a commitment to LIVE. I guess that means myself included.
Well, gotta get on that packing list. See if I can get away with a carry on or whether they're going to gauge me to check a bag. Ugh. I hate US Airways!! Flying is a trial nowadays, not the fun it used to me (a long, long time ago). People who've never known the difference would be shocked at how it used to be. Ah, well. It's expedient.
Thanks for listening, y'all. (Not so) D.D. signing off.
I have mixed feelings about going to NC. I know my darling doesn't have anyone else to "watch" me next week while she's working and she doesn't feel comfortable leaving me alone all day. So my sister and BIL babysitting me makes her feel more secure. I like the idea myself. Plus I can never see enough of my sister - who has many health issues of her own.
I'm mostly over feeling unwanted by my daughter, realizing that she has her own fears about becoming a single mother and having a mother who - instead of taking care of her - might need caring for herself! Who knows, it's entirely possible that she won't even have the baby until after I go home. Who can predict these things? I certainly had no idea when I made the reservations that I would be 3 + weeks from bypass surgery!
I'm having to think about getting all my stuff and medicines together for the trip. How daunting!! Went to my primary doc this morning. As expected, my blood pressure was up after having Dr. H. take me off my Diovan since the surgery. Dr. W. (primary) got me right back on it and I took one when I got home. Seems that surgery makes the blood pressure go down. Maybe all the extra fluids they give you?? Or maybe it's just the shock to the system. Dr. W. wrote me another script for my pain meds in case I run out before I get back. Also stocked up on my anti-depressant (Cymbalta). God knows I'm having a tussle with depression. Of course, that's probably completely normal in this situation.
I got into my waterbed for the first time since the surgery yesterday. Figured Lola would haul me out if I couldn't get my own ass out of the bed. I've slept in a waterbed so many years, though, that it wasn't difficult for me to get out of the bed. It DOES, however, put a lot of pressure on the arm and shoulder closest to the outside of the bed as you roll out. As I lay there in my bed, looking out the window at my mango tree, my thoughts went to that fatal Thursday morning (April 28th) when I woke up with those pesky palpitations that started this whole mess. Who would have thought I'd be laying there today weeks later with my chest having been opened up?? I felt a wave of sadness run through me so strongly. That "nothing will ever be the same again" blue feeling. I know I should be grateful to be alive - and I am. But still. Still. I still wonder in awe "how could this have happened to me?" I'm mortal; like the rest of you. Didn't I know that?? Yes, but. . .
When I went into Dr. H.'s office yesterday, the women at the front desk almost literally jumped up and down with excitement, telling me how much BETTER I looked than last week. They were so happy. And all I could think was "who ARE these people?" I didn't remember even seeing them. Cece asked didn't I remember barely being able to walk into the office last Wednesday (all the way from the parking lot)? I pushed and recalled a few things, but still didn't remember the office women or talking to them. That was just last Wednesday. Hell, I've been blogging since then! How strange and how hopeful that so much can change in 6 days!!!
I'm tired a lot, though. Running around to these visits really tires me out. And puts me in pain. I'm able to cut down to 1 pain pill every 4 hours at night but still need the full 1 1/2 during the day to get through. That, like everything else, I have to have patience with. I'm not all that good on patience.
I keep reliving the time in the hospital. Mostly the feelings, since the details are so screwed up in my brain. The unbelievable fear and pain and exhaustion and weakness. What other words can describe it? There must be more b/c I FELT more!! And I remember my fierce determination to LIVE and get well!! And I remember once, some place along the way, thinking that no wonder Mom gave up and just passed on. It was just too hard for her. Had I known how hard it would be, would I have just given up, too? I don't know. I don't think so - but I'm not sure. Anyone who comes through this type of surgery (and I'm sure other types qualify too) is a courageous warrior who at some point makes a commitment to LIVE. I guess that means myself included.
Well, gotta get on that packing list. See if I can get away with a carry on or whether they're going to gauge me to check a bag. Ugh. I hate US Airways!! Flying is a trial nowadays, not the fun it used to me (a long, long time ago). People who've never known the difference would be shocked at how it used to be. Ah, well. It's expedient.
Thanks for listening, y'all. (Not so) D.D. signing off.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Monday's challenges
Late in posting this today. The chest pain seems to be getting a little better. I'm working on cutting down on the pain meds little by little. I want to be out of pain, but I don't want the dull feeling I can get from the narcotics. Doctors can be annoying (Dr. H.) with their fear and superior attitude about how much pain medication you're taking and what kind. For my actual surgery, they gave me Versed and Morphine. That was going in. I've heard that they used diluidid (sp??) after that for pain relief the first few days in CCU. Then Dr. H. made the unilateral decision to use Oxycodone. That never agreed with me; giving me terrible dreams and in general making me feel disconnected to the world. Maybe I needed something that strong because I was still in awful pain and my body felt all-over savaged. But I asked him to put me on Vicodin shortly afterwards. That's what we've dealt with since that. I've been taking Vicodin (nowhere near the same dosages) for years for chronic neck/shoulder/back pain from several major car accidents. So my body is used to it and I know that my other meds don't interact in a bad way. I'm not sure about the newer stuff they've put me on since the surgery (I noticed they snuck the cholesterol drugs in while I was out of it --- stinkers!!)
Anyway, I'm nearly down to the dosages I used to take before the surgery. I'm so glad!!
Something that has come up is disturbing me. My daughter is having a baby any minute - my first grandchild. She's due the 5th of June. Back in the later part of April BSHTF (Before Shit Hit The Fan), I made reservations to go up to NC on May 28th staying til June 8th. But my daughter is nervous that she'll have to take care of me plus the baby (assuming she has it before I get there or during my stay). I feel like a burden. Daughter wants me to stay with my sister and BIL (Brother In Law) so they can take care of me if - God forbid - I fall apart! I don't know if they're OK with that; plus they live a little over an hour away from where she lives in Fayetteville. I know I won't be in shape to pick up the baby (unless he's really little), but it seems like I can still be there for her. I feel unwanted. I thought about canceling the flight, but I reserved a bargain- basement -no- refund -no -matter -if- God - dies fare.
This week is filled with doctor appointments: cardiac surgeon tomorrow (Dr. H.); primary doctor (Dr. W. - especially important if I want enough pain medication to last while I'm in NC); and cardiologist (Dr. V.) - the one who sensed there was something wrong with my heart despite the inconclusive stress tests he performed in December 2010 - bless his nagging heart. I will, of course, ask all of them if they think I'm fit to go on the trip. I know that I'd be especially safe in my sister's and BIL's hands. Hell, they're the ones who essentially saved my life by insisting I call Dr. V. that fateful Thursday. I guess I'll just have to wait and see and Braille my way through this. My WANT to be better RIGHT NOW is at war with reality. Ugh.
When I compare what I was able to do even a few days ago, much less a whole week ago, I really get a sense of the speed of my healing. I swear writing this blog helps me keep my head on (sorta) straight!
Hopefully, all the drs. will be happy with my progress and give me the go-ahead. I've got to call the airline and find out about things like getting a wheelchair and does that mean any carry-on luggage I have will be taken care of, or will I have to shell out the big bucks for a checked bag. Bastards with those fees!!
Anyway, I'm nearly down to the dosages I used to take before the surgery. I'm so glad!!
Something that has come up is disturbing me. My daughter is having a baby any minute - my first grandchild. She's due the 5th of June. Back in the later part of April BSHTF (Before Shit Hit The Fan), I made reservations to go up to NC on May 28th staying til June 8th. But my daughter is nervous that she'll have to take care of me plus the baby (assuming she has it before I get there or during my stay). I feel like a burden. Daughter wants me to stay with my sister and BIL (Brother In Law) so they can take care of me if - God forbid - I fall apart! I don't know if they're OK with that; plus they live a little over an hour away from where she lives in Fayetteville. I know I won't be in shape to pick up the baby (unless he's really little), but it seems like I can still be there for her. I feel unwanted. I thought about canceling the flight, but I reserved a bargain- basement -no- refund -no -matter -if- God - dies fare.
This week is filled with doctor appointments: cardiac surgeon tomorrow (Dr. H.); primary doctor (Dr. W. - especially important if I want enough pain medication to last while I'm in NC); and cardiologist (Dr. V.) - the one who sensed there was something wrong with my heart despite the inconclusive stress tests he performed in December 2010 - bless his nagging heart. I will, of course, ask all of them if they think I'm fit to go on the trip. I know that I'd be especially safe in my sister's and BIL's hands. Hell, they're the ones who essentially saved my life by insisting I call Dr. V. that fateful Thursday. I guess I'll just have to wait and see and Braille my way through this. My WANT to be better RIGHT NOW is at war with reality. Ugh.
When I compare what I was able to do even a few days ago, much less a whole week ago, I really get a sense of the speed of my healing. I swear writing this blog helps me keep my head on (sorta) straight!
Hopefully, all the drs. will be happy with my progress and give me the go-ahead. I've got to call the airline and find out about things like getting a wheelchair and does that mean any carry-on luggage I have will be taken care of, or will I have to shell out the big bucks for a checked bag. Bastards with those fees!!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Sunday thoughts
I don't know how much sharing about the experience is TOO much sharing. And that's me worrying about my "audience" more than focusing on what I need/want to say. Gotta get out of my own way.
I described up to my first night after the surgery - as much as I can remember it. God is merciful (through the drugs maybe) in letting me forget some of it. It seems all mushed together now, with specific events hard to pinpoint the when and how. I know some people came and went. In CCU, Cece was almost always there. When the hell did she sleep??!! My chest felt both numb and crushed at the same time. I didn't see my chest for days after the surgery. Believe it or not, there was too much to focus on besides the actual scar site.
My chest didn't seem to belong to me anymore, anyway. It had been slashed and yanked open, my heart stopped and placed on the heart/lung machine, then surgeons and others poking around; cutting this, sewing together that. They all saw a part of me I'll never see myself. Then it was all wired and stitched and glued back together to form something that was technically me, but with which I am totally unfamiliar.
I remember the drains giving me a tremendous amount of pain and the Dr. H. being quite surprised at that. CeCe convinced him to pull them out some hours early and when the drainage was minimal and 'normal looking' - whatever that means. The drains left those two holes below the actual entry site that look like fang bites. I've called them my Vampire bites ever since I saw them. Ugly things. They have to heal from the inside out and they used to weep onto my gown and later onto my home clothes. Yuck! They don't hurt though. One good thing. But they DO itch and I've accidentally scratched then a couple of times - then got all nervous about it, wondering if I'd just infected it with some dreaded staph infection or worse. My mind can always think of "something worse." A healthier part of me would calmly re-wash the fang bite with the antiseptic wash given me at the hospital, carefully pat it dry, change my top for a freshly washed one, and tried to forget about it telling myself all will be OK. So far, that's worked best.
Got some friends coming to see me today. Friday a group of friends came and brought me a meeting to my house complete with goodies to eat. That felt so good. I felt my heart (MY heart????) swell with gratitude. Feeling loved always helps (me) to see the brighter side of things.
Lola is coming back to take care of me while Cece works this week; at least for a few days. Then CeCe has arranged for another friend to come help me during the day. I call them my "babysitters." But they've been so much more than that.
But every day I get a little stronger, even the days that feel "bad" - where I hurt more than usual and feel like crying all day. Yesterday I took a shower with Cece standing outside the shower handing me things as I sat on the stool inside the bathtub and washed. YIPPEE!! Another milestone won!!
I WILL get better and I WILL figure out who this new person - with the tampered-with heart - is. I will try to live without fear. . . OK, with LESS fear and more faith. That can be my goal for now. It's enough.
I described up to my first night after the surgery - as much as I can remember it. God is merciful (through the drugs maybe) in letting me forget some of it. It seems all mushed together now, with specific events hard to pinpoint the when and how. I know some people came and went. In CCU, Cece was almost always there. When the hell did she sleep??!! My chest felt both numb and crushed at the same time. I didn't see my chest for days after the surgery. Believe it or not, there was too much to focus on besides the actual scar site.
My chest didn't seem to belong to me anymore, anyway. It had been slashed and yanked open, my heart stopped and placed on the heart/lung machine, then surgeons and others poking around; cutting this, sewing together that. They all saw a part of me I'll never see myself. Then it was all wired and stitched and glued back together to form something that was technically me, but with which I am totally unfamiliar.
I remember the drains giving me a tremendous amount of pain and the Dr. H. being quite surprised at that. CeCe convinced him to pull them out some hours early and when the drainage was minimal and 'normal looking' - whatever that means. The drains left those two holes below the actual entry site that look like fang bites. I've called them my Vampire bites ever since I saw them. Ugly things. They have to heal from the inside out and they used to weep onto my gown and later onto my home clothes. Yuck! They don't hurt though. One good thing. But they DO itch and I've accidentally scratched then a couple of times - then got all nervous about it, wondering if I'd just infected it with some dreaded staph infection or worse. My mind can always think of "something worse." A healthier part of me would calmly re-wash the fang bite with the antiseptic wash given me at the hospital, carefully pat it dry, change my top for a freshly washed one, and tried to forget about it telling myself all will be OK. So far, that's worked best.
Got some friends coming to see me today. Friday a group of friends came and brought me a meeting to my house complete with goodies to eat. That felt so good. I felt my heart (MY heart????) swell with gratitude. Feeling loved always helps (me) to see the brighter side of things.
Lola is coming back to take care of me while Cece works this week; at least for a few days. Then CeCe has arranged for another friend to come help me during the day. I call them my "babysitters." But they've been so much more than that.
But every day I get a little stronger, even the days that feel "bad" - where I hurt more than usual and feel like crying all day. Yesterday I took a shower with Cece standing outside the shower handing me things as I sat on the stool inside the bathtub and washed. YIPPEE!! Another milestone won!!
I WILL get better and I WILL figure out who this new person - with the tampered-with heart - is. I will try to live without fear. . . OK, with LESS fear and more faith. That can be my goal for now. It's enough.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Slow Saturday
My wife and I discussed a lot of the details of my surgery and hospital stay. So much was going on while I was in my own world struggling and struggling minute-by-minute just to get through. I don't remember a lot of things and things I think I do remember didn't really happen sometimes.
I was in so much fear as they rolled me down to the operating room. My wife and my sister, Peggy, and my daughter, Jenny, and mother-in-law were all there. I'm thinking things like "this can't be happening to me!! No! No! No!" The spiritually aware part of myself is searching for my connection with my Higher Power where there's some hope that this'll all turn out all right. Memories of walking alongside my mother's gurney to surgery five years ago. Mostly just terror.
Then waking up and realizing it was over but being so disoriented that this fact was about the most I could take in. Nurses and people talking and the sounds of medical machines.
Later, terrible agony!! Terror and panic!! I didn't realize it at the moment but they'd given me too much drugs and I wasn't exchanging oxygen and Co2 in my lungs enough to keep me alive. They had a Cpap on my face and I didn't know why?! I couldn't hear the nurse and she couldn't hear my questions over the noise of the machine and when I tried to take the mask off so we could communicate, she asked me if I wanted to die. More panic!! The pain was incredible because they'd used Narcan to reverse the effects of all the pain medications. I'm blind in my right eye and she was on that side so I couldn't see her or understand her or what was going on. She seemed angry at me. Unbelievable agony and terror.
Then, off to the left I see the beautiful heads of my wife and sister (both my health care surrogates). I was SAFE!! My sister took my hand and swept my hair back from my forehead and soothed me while she tried to explain what was happening (she's a nurse and her own husband has had bypass surgery). Meanwhile my understanding wife was dealing with the frustrated nurse, letting her know that I needed to know what was going on; I needed to have things explained to me so I understood and wouldn't panic. She told my nurse that I couldn't see her and was pulling the CPAP away from my face so that I could see and hear her. Also, of course, the memory of seeing my mom on the CPAP Mother's Day morning, the day after her surgery. For her, the CPAP led back to the ventilator that she never got off. The ventilator that I'd promised her I'd never let them put her on.
My beloved wife took my hands and led me on a guided meditation. It was still almost an hour until my next pain medication and would be in agony until then. But she led me to a magic place; I listened and followed her guidance and relaxed. I don't remember most of this except that I felt so safe, and then the pain medication came and life became bearable again. YIPPEE!!
My sister and the CCU nurse were amazed at Cecelia's actions. My sweet Beloved. My Safe Place. How did I get so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life?? My Beloved guided me through the worse hour of my life. My darling sister and daughter were down from NC to see me through this. I had lots to live for and I determined with everything in me that I WAS GOING TO SURVIVE!!!!
I was in so much fear as they rolled me down to the operating room. My wife and my sister, Peggy, and my daughter, Jenny, and mother-in-law were all there. I'm thinking things like "this can't be happening to me!! No! No! No!" The spiritually aware part of myself is searching for my connection with my Higher Power where there's some hope that this'll all turn out all right. Memories of walking alongside my mother's gurney to surgery five years ago. Mostly just terror.
Then waking up and realizing it was over but being so disoriented that this fact was about the most I could take in. Nurses and people talking and the sounds of medical machines.
Later, terrible agony!! Terror and panic!! I didn't realize it at the moment but they'd given me too much drugs and I wasn't exchanging oxygen and Co2 in my lungs enough to keep me alive. They had a Cpap on my face and I didn't know why?! I couldn't hear the nurse and she couldn't hear my questions over the noise of the machine and when I tried to take the mask off so we could communicate, she asked me if I wanted to die. More panic!! The pain was incredible because they'd used Narcan to reverse the effects of all the pain medications. I'm blind in my right eye and she was on that side so I couldn't see her or understand her or what was going on. She seemed angry at me. Unbelievable agony and terror.
Then, off to the left I see the beautiful heads of my wife and sister (both my health care surrogates). I was SAFE!! My sister took my hand and swept my hair back from my forehead and soothed me while she tried to explain what was happening (she's a nurse and her own husband has had bypass surgery). Meanwhile my understanding wife was dealing with the frustrated nurse, letting her know that I needed to know what was going on; I needed to have things explained to me so I understood and wouldn't panic. She told my nurse that I couldn't see her and was pulling the CPAP away from my face so that I could see and hear her. Also, of course, the memory of seeing my mom on the CPAP Mother's Day morning, the day after her surgery. For her, the CPAP led back to the ventilator that she never got off. The ventilator that I'd promised her I'd never let them put her on.
My beloved wife took my hands and led me on a guided meditation. It was still almost an hour until my next pain medication and would be in agony until then. But she led me to a magic place; I listened and followed her guidance and relaxed. I don't remember most of this except that I felt so safe, and then the pain medication came and life became bearable again. YIPPEE!!
My sister and the CCU nurse were amazed at Cecelia's actions. My sweet Beloved. My Safe Place. How did I get so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life?? My Beloved guided me through the worse hour of my life. My darling sister and daughter were down from NC to see me through this. I had lots to live for and I determined with everything in me that I WAS GOING TO SURVIVE!!!!
Friday, May 20, 2011
Today is an up day
Dr. H., my cardiac surgeon, assures me I'll have "up" days and "down" days. Guess Wednesday was an up - day because got told that I'm doing well and can use my arms to get myself in and out of the recliner. FREEDOM!!!! I swear when I couldn't get up myself, I had to pee at least 6 times a night. I hated waking my Cecelia or her friend, Lola, (helping to care for me) so many times during the long, long, nights.
So I went home and got up and down from the recliner probably 40 times and walked completely around the block. Then the pain hit around 23:00 with a vengeance. And Dr. H. isn't exactly free with the pain medication. Hell, he's got me on a lesser Vicodin script than did my regular care doctor for my chronic neck/shoulder/back pain exacerbated by the kind of work I do (at a computer all day long or reading). I frankly don't care all that much what it takes: I just want to feel better; feel NORMAL again!!!
Stupid things hurt my feelings. Like I showed my chest to my housecleaner today who hasn't seen me since the surgery. Just pulled up my t-shirt as usual. It's not like I'm prudish or body-shy on a good day (having lived the nudist lifestyle for many years). So why this funny feeling?? A part of me said, "yeah, just look at my tits and chest, after all, they're not a thing of beauty anymore. They're not part of my sexuality anymore, are they? No, they're just 'the scene of the crime' that everybody wants to look at." Hell, I'd want to look too if it were a friend of mine who had the surgery. So who am I to talk? Why shouldn't they want to know what this terrible surgery looks like? They can take a horror-filled look then run safely back to their own unflawed bodies. Well, I WANT TO SAFELY RUN BACK TO MY (PREVIOUSLY FAIRLY UNFLAWED) BODY MYSELF! But there's no place to run to.
God, I sure can be ungrateful.
Friends are coming over to see me tonight and offer their support. Bless them. And I WILL go take that walk in the evening and maybe it won't hurt too much.
So I went home and got up and down from the recliner probably 40 times and walked completely around the block. Then the pain hit around 23:00 with a vengeance. And Dr. H. isn't exactly free with the pain medication. Hell, he's got me on a lesser Vicodin script than did my regular care doctor for my chronic neck/shoulder/back pain exacerbated by the kind of work I do (at a computer all day long or reading). I frankly don't care all that much what it takes: I just want to feel better; feel NORMAL again!!!
Stupid things hurt my feelings. Like I showed my chest to my housecleaner today who hasn't seen me since the surgery. Just pulled up my t-shirt as usual. It's not like I'm prudish or body-shy on a good day (having lived the nudist lifestyle for many years). So why this funny feeling?? A part of me said, "yeah, just look at my tits and chest, after all, they're not a thing of beauty anymore. They're not part of my sexuality anymore, are they? No, they're just 'the scene of the crime' that everybody wants to look at." Hell, I'd want to look too if it were a friend of mine who had the surgery. So who am I to talk? Why shouldn't they want to know what this terrible surgery looks like? They can take a horror-filled look then run safely back to their own unflawed bodies. Well, I WANT TO SAFELY RUN BACK TO MY (PREVIOUSLY FAIRLY UNFLAWED) BODY MYSELF! But there's no place to run to.
God, I sure can be ungrateful.
Friends are coming over to see me tonight and offer their support. Bless them. And I WILL go take that walk in the evening and maybe it won't hurt too much.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
5/19/11
Today is the anniversary of my mother's death. From cardiac bypass surgery following a heart attack. She was 78 and had had her first MI when she was 61 or 62 - I still can't remember. Going into the hospital on May 3rd for bypass surgery on May 4th was traumatic to say the least. I try hard to fight superstition. And, at least I was in a different hospital. JFK had killed my mother and was the main player in my father's and brother's heart-related deaths. I told myself that I, at least, was in North Palm Beach Gardens. A largely unknown risk factor. The only thing I could remember was my mother saying what a bad hospital it was because it had killed off a couple of her friends. But it's where my cardiologists practiced out of and where the cardiac surgeon recommended by my (partially-trusted) cardiologist practiced. So here I was.
So much was completely out of my control. Have I mentioned how much I HATE things being out of my control??!!! I'm feeling numb, numb, numb. How had this happened? I was the HEALTHY one of the family. I HAD ALL THE BEST GENES!! I'd told myself this for years and refused to take cholesterol meds which had had bad side effects on my sister and mother. I had all kinds of reasons and excuses. They seemed valid. I'd had test after test when any little thing had gone wrong that could POSSIBLY be related to my heart. All because of my family history of heart trouble. It scared me. I hated it. Doctors, it seemed, always brought trouble into your life. They held your life in your hands and they were arrogant about it. I wasn't going to give into them. I was in control of my life. I didn't eat junk. I tried to exercise on a routine basis. Yeah, I carried too much weight. But I kept trying to do the right thing - without taking more medications. Without putting my life more into the care of these uncaring, inhuman persons who represented our health care experts.
So how had it come to this? They said I had three major blockages! Three!! Who were they talking to - they couldn't be talking to me! I'd just had two stress tests with decent results. Some PVCs maybe, but no big deal, right?? RIGHT??!! Yes, my cardiologist suggested I follow up the stress tests with another angio-gram. I felt powerful in saying "no." They could give me no good reason to go through another test. They were all being hysterical. I had (virtually) no symptoms. Why were they trying to scare me?? But now, NOW, they were talking surgery. Three blockages that couldn't be fixed with stents. They were going into my chest; going to CRACK IT OPEN; toy with it, then close it up and it all had to be done RIGHT AWAY!! Were they trying to scare me to death??? How could this be happening?? WHY was this happening?? I was so terrified I just couldn't even think. Couldn't wrap my mind around it. My darling wife, Cecelia, asked the right questions, remembered the answers, started making preparations. Thank God. It was all a blur to me. May had already killed my beloved mother - was it going to get me now? The same thoughts kept whirling in my mind: "I'm the healthy one; what happened?" "how could this be happening to me?" "what did I do wrong? Did I bring this on myself?" My body felt like a foreign land.
Obviously, I lived through the surgery. But my emotions and thoughts are just waking up.
During it was just doing the next right thing to survive. No room to think or feel. Now I want to share what's it's been like and what it's like now. I hope that others who have gone through the same ups and downs of traveling this particular road will relate to my blog and maybe let me know I'm not alone.
In my brain, I KNOW, of course, that there are others - many many others - who have experienced all this. But my feelings . . . my feelings are like wild horses plunging this way and that. I have wonderful, loving, supportive friends and family. So much to be grateful for. I'M ALIVE!!!!!!!
So much was completely out of my control. Have I mentioned how much I HATE things being out of my control??!!! I'm feeling numb, numb, numb. How had this happened? I was the HEALTHY one of the family. I HAD ALL THE BEST GENES!! I'd told myself this for years and refused to take cholesterol meds which had had bad side effects on my sister and mother. I had all kinds of reasons and excuses. They seemed valid. I'd had test after test when any little thing had gone wrong that could POSSIBLY be related to my heart. All because of my family history of heart trouble. It scared me. I hated it. Doctors, it seemed, always brought trouble into your life. They held your life in your hands and they were arrogant about it. I wasn't going to give into them. I was in control of my life. I didn't eat junk. I tried to exercise on a routine basis. Yeah, I carried too much weight. But I kept trying to do the right thing - without taking more medications. Without putting my life more into the care of these uncaring, inhuman persons who represented our health care experts.
So how had it come to this? They said I had three major blockages! Three!! Who were they talking to - they couldn't be talking to me! I'd just had two stress tests with decent results. Some PVCs maybe, but no big deal, right?? RIGHT??!! Yes, my cardiologist suggested I follow up the stress tests with another angio-gram. I felt powerful in saying "no." They could give me no good reason to go through another test. They were all being hysterical. I had (virtually) no symptoms. Why were they trying to scare me?? But now, NOW, they were talking surgery. Three blockages that couldn't be fixed with stents. They were going into my chest; going to CRACK IT OPEN; toy with it, then close it up and it all had to be done RIGHT AWAY!! Were they trying to scare me to death??? How could this be happening?? WHY was this happening?? I was so terrified I just couldn't even think. Couldn't wrap my mind around it. My darling wife, Cecelia, asked the right questions, remembered the answers, started making preparations. Thank God. It was all a blur to me. May had already killed my beloved mother - was it going to get me now? The same thoughts kept whirling in my mind: "I'm the healthy one; what happened?" "how could this be happening to me?" "what did I do wrong? Did I bring this on myself?" My body felt like a foreign land.
Obviously, I lived through the surgery. But my emotions and thoughts are just waking up.
During it was just doing the next right thing to survive. No room to think or feel. Now I want to share what's it's been like and what it's like now. I hope that others who have gone through the same ups and downs of traveling this particular road will relate to my blog and maybe let me know I'm not alone.
In my brain, I KNOW, of course, that there are others - many many others - who have experienced all this. But my feelings . . . my feelings are like wild horses plunging this way and that. I have wonderful, loving, supportive friends and family. So much to be grateful for. I'M ALIVE!!!!!!!
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