Yesterday I took a long walk in the drizzling rain and actually felt HAPPY for a little while! It's not like I haven't had good things happening, but I haven't actually FELT it like that in a long while. It felt good.
Been back to meetings and that also feels good and right. Maybe when I go back to work, I'll feel even more grounded. I have mixed feelings about being home all day. In some ways, I really like the freedom, but then again I feel lonely many mornings. Like the world has gone on without me.
I've got to get a photo of my healing chest to post. I'll ask Cece to take one and then put it up here. I like being able to take baths again, now that the vampire bites are completely closed up. They're still an angry red, though. Yucky.
Went to the hairdresser and wanted a white streak put in, but she convinced me to be satisfied with lowlights. I wanted something dramatic to say "look, everybody, I've been to hell and back" when I got back to work. Hell, they probably wouldn't even have noticed it.
I'm here to report that the sex life is working just fine. How cool is that? I was a little scared when my heart was pounding so hard, but Cece reminded me that it did that BEFORE the surgery, too. Still - creeped me out.
Driving is getting a little easier, especially since most of the time Cece lets me borrow her car which is easier to get in and out of and is an automatic. But the seat belt (shoulder part) hurts like a bitch! I've got to get something to pad the shoulder harness.
I still have moments when I feel like this is my "second" life. What am I going to do with it? Who knows how long it'll last - but no more holding back on ANYTHING!! Well, unless it's really bad for me.
Signing off now. Got some computer work to do. Cece's birthday tomorrow and I have preparations to take care of.
(Almost) Dead Ducky
Monday, June 27, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Being home
Hi all,
Well, had my appointment with my cardiologist who said I can drive again (and have sex!). I was really happy until I drove my Miata home and realized how much it hurt. Oh well, something else to improve on.
Yesterday I did absolutely nothing but read all day long. I am kind of lonely here alone during the day and I wonder will it be this way when I retire?? Of course, right now we're so very broke that I can't afford to go out and do much of anything, even if it's only the cost of gas. Next month will be worse. I am going back to work July 5th, so that's good except that we only get paid once a month at the end so July will be a long month until payday. Then there are all those medical bills!!!!! I'm trying not to stress out. It shouldn't be this way. People should be able to get sick, have major operations, etc. without worrying they'll lose everything they've worked for all their lives. It's disgusting how we accept this as normal and OK. Well, don't get me started . . .
Today I'm trying to get some stuff done. Making some overdue phone calls; sorting out the mess of paperwork covering our dining table. Ugh! Going to the store to pick up a few essentials. It will be the first time I've been out on my own - well, driving at least. I walked to some stores while I stayed with Jenny.
My emotions seem to be on hold. Feel numb and don't know what's up with that. At my sister's and daughter's last week I was crying at the drop of a hat. Now I can't seem to feel much of anything. I'm glad to be home. Love being back with my honey - but I'm bugged at my lack of feeling. I've really got to see my doctor about my hormones. Seems like everything is messed up with my system.
Even my hair isn't right. I color it every 5 weeks and the last time I went in I had a lot of gray roots. I looked today and my hair has barely grown. Good thing is that I don't have hardly any roots showing. But I wonder why my hair just seemed to have stopped growing?? Geez!
I'm still having problems with my memory, too. We sat down with a Netflix DVD of House where we'd watched a couple of the episodes on the disc already. So we were trying to figure out which ones we'd watched and which ones we hadn't. We were watching one and Cece says "we've seen this". I had NO memory of having seen it before - although a little bit later in the episode I did recall it. It's really scary. What if I can't remember cases or law that I should know when I go back to work?? What if I'm not the excellent attorney I used to be?? Should I be put out to pasture??
I asked my doctor a few questions that I figured wouldn't have real answers. I brought him the report of an angiogram I had done in 2006. That showed no blockages whatever and minimal plaque build up. I was 56 years old then. In five years I went from that to 95% blockages in two heart arteries and 90% in the third???!!!! WHAT IN THE FUCK HAPPENED IN FIVE YEARS???!!! He did seemed a bit surprised at the difference, but could not give a definitive reason. But I'd sure as hell like to know b/c if I knew what made such a dramatic difference I'D STOP DOING IT!! How can I avoid such a thing in the future?? Why did it take 56 years to get a little blocked and only 5 more years to get almost fatally blocked?? I can't think of anything that I did differently except that my mom died shortly after that test and I was so very stressed out for a long, long time. Could that have done it?
It's awful that no one can say "if you do this and don't do that, all will be well." Even my doctor said that my high cholesterol may or may not have been a factor. Considering that I've had high cholesterol for over 20 years, I don't see how that accounts for the drastic difference in 5 years.
But he did say it was unlikely that I'd have to have another bypass in my lifetime. Not that it was impossible, but unlikely. Maybe a stent or two down the road. I'd like to avoid even that.
Well, guess I'd better end for today and make that call to the cardiac rehab folks and get signed up. Thanks for listening and any feedback y'all might have for me.
Well, had my appointment with my cardiologist who said I can drive again (and have sex!). I was really happy until I drove my Miata home and realized how much it hurt. Oh well, something else to improve on.
Yesterday I did absolutely nothing but read all day long. I am kind of lonely here alone during the day and I wonder will it be this way when I retire?? Of course, right now we're so very broke that I can't afford to go out and do much of anything, even if it's only the cost of gas. Next month will be worse. I am going back to work July 5th, so that's good except that we only get paid once a month at the end so July will be a long month until payday. Then there are all those medical bills!!!!! I'm trying not to stress out. It shouldn't be this way. People should be able to get sick, have major operations, etc. without worrying they'll lose everything they've worked for all their lives. It's disgusting how we accept this as normal and OK. Well, don't get me started . . .
Today I'm trying to get some stuff done. Making some overdue phone calls; sorting out the mess of paperwork covering our dining table. Ugh! Going to the store to pick up a few essentials. It will be the first time I've been out on my own - well, driving at least. I walked to some stores while I stayed with Jenny.
My emotions seem to be on hold. Feel numb and don't know what's up with that. At my sister's and daughter's last week I was crying at the drop of a hat. Now I can't seem to feel much of anything. I'm glad to be home. Love being back with my honey - but I'm bugged at my lack of feeling. I've really got to see my doctor about my hormones. Seems like everything is messed up with my system.
Even my hair isn't right. I color it every 5 weeks and the last time I went in I had a lot of gray roots. I looked today and my hair has barely grown. Good thing is that I don't have hardly any roots showing. But I wonder why my hair just seemed to have stopped growing?? Geez!
I'm still having problems with my memory, too. We sat down with a Netflix DVD of House where we'd watched a couple of the episodes on the disc already. So we were trying to figure out which ones we'd watched and which ones we hadn't. We were watching one and Cece says "we've seen this". I had NO memory of having seen it before - although a little bit later in the episode I did recall it. It's really scary. What if I can't remember cases or law that I should know when I go back to work?? What if I'm not the excellent attorney I used to be?? Should I be put out to pasture??
I asked my doctor a few questions that I figured wouldn't have real answers. I brought him the report of an angiogram I had done in 2006. That showed no blockages whatever and minimal plaque build up. I was 56 years old then. In five years I went from that to 95% blockages in two heart arteries and 90% in the third???!!!! WHAT IN THE FUCK HAPPENED IN FIVE YEARS???!!! He did seemed a bit surprised at the difference, but could not give a definitive reason. But I'd sure as hell like to know b/c if I knew what made such a dramatic difference I'D STOP DOING IT!! How can I avoid such a thing in the future?? Why did it take 56 years to get a little blocked and only 5 more years to get almost fatally blocked?? I can't think of anything that I did differently except that my mom died shortly after that test and I was so very stressed out for a long, long time. Could that have done it?
It's awful that no one can say "if you do this and don't do that, all will be well." Even my doctor said that my high cholesterol may or may not have been a factor. Considering that I've had high cholesterol for over 20 years, I don't see how that accounts for the drastic difference in 5 years.
But he did say it was unlikely that I'd have to have another bypass in my lifetime. Not that it was impossible, but unlikely. Maybe a stent or two down the road. I'd like to avoid even that.
Well, guess I'd better end for today and make that call to the cardiac rehab folks and get signed up. Thanks for listening and any feedback y'all might have for me.
Monday, June 20, 2011
I'm home!!
Sorry I haven't posted for a couple of days. Got home around 02:00 Saturday night (Sunday morning). I was so exhausted that I felt numb, but, oh, it was so good to see my Cece waiting for me. Then getting to the house and saying hello to the kitties and just being in my own home! It's not that being at my sister's or my daughter's was a hardship, it's just that I got so homesick.
I still hate Charlotte airport. They do not know how to take care of a handicapped person. Maybe I'd like it better if I was fully recovered, but now I have an attitude about it and will probably avoid it if I can in the future. But the flight was OK and the flight attendant was very good to me.
Sunday we just relaxed and hung out all day together. I had a step group meeting at 17:00, so I was gone for a few hours that evening. It was good to share with my close supports and the meeting was held at my friend's who is only 2 blocks away, so I walked there.
I'm not sure if I told y'all that my "vampire bites" have healed. I could probably take a bath now since they're closed up. I'm so glad b/c they really bothered me. They looked ugly and made me nervous about getting an infection in them. But all went well and they've healed nicely, although the scars are funky. I'll try to get a updated photo of my healing chest posted. I'm not good at doing that, so I'll ask dear Lola for help.
Went to my home group meeting tonight. First regular meeting I've attended since my surgery. I shared about what I've been going through and warned them they'd probably be hearing a lot about it. They're so accepting and supportive; I'm so glad for that touchstone. Still sorting out my feelings about this. My friends told me Sunday that I should be so grateful b/c it was a miracle that they discovered the problem before I had a heart attack. And it was. Considering where my blockages were, chances are my first heart attack would have been fatal. But I escaped with an undamaged heart, unlike most who have bypasses. They said that I'd been spared for a special reason, and that made me see things a little differently. I hadn't been thinking of myself as lucky. I'd been thinking that after all that positive thinking and affirmations about having the best genes in the family and that I'd never have heart issues, boom, I needed a triple bypass and all that positive thinking had been for naught. But they said, no, my positive thinking and awareness saved me. Hmmmmm. I've got to mull that over. That's a better way to think about it than they way I've been seeing it.
My chest still hurts when I get up in the morning and as I am active during the day, it gets to ache more towards the evening. It hurts to the touch, but is also numb - a weird, yucky feeling. My BIL told me that it took over a year for his chest to stop feeling that way. Yippee. People tell me the scar isn't bad. But I look at women wearing low cut tops with their perfect, smooth chests and sigh within.
But, hey, I'm a survivor and I'll wear my bathing suits with my scar hanging out with pride b/c I made it through and I'm going to get better every day! Although I ALMOST was a dead ducky, I'm NOT. So there!
I still hate Charlotte airport. They do not know how to take care of a handicapped person. Maybe I'd like it better if I was fully recovered, but now I have an attitude about it and will probably avoid it if I can in the future. But the flight was OK and the flight attendant was very good to me.
Sunday we just relaxed and hung out all day together. I had a step group meeting at 17:00, so I was gone for a few hours that evening. It was good to share with my close supports and the meeting was held at my friend's who is only 2 blocks away, so I walked there.
I'm not sure if I told y'all that my "vampire bites" have healed. I could probably take a bath now since they're closed up. I'm so glad b/c they really bothered me. They looked ugly and made me nervous about getting an infection in them. But all went well and they've healed nicely, although the scars are funky. I'll try to get a updated photo of my healing chest posted. I'm not good at doing that, so I'll ask dear Lola for help.
Went to my home group meeting tonight. First regular meeting I've attended since my surgery. I shared about what I've been going through and warned them they'd probably be hearing a lot about it. They're so accepting and supportive; I'm so glad for that touchstone. Still sorting out my feelings about this. My friends told me Sunday that I should be so grateful b/c it was a miracle that they discovered the problem before I had a heart attack. And it was. Considering where my blockages were, chances are my first heart attack would have been fatal. But I escaped with an undamaged heart, unlike most who have bypasses. They said that I'd been spared for a special reason, and that made me see things a little differently. I hadn't been thinking of myself as lucky. I'd been thinking that after all that positive thinking and affirmations about having the best genes in the family and that I'd never have heart issues, boom, I needed a triple bypass and all that positive thinking had been for naught. But they said, no, my positive thinking and awareness saved me. Hmmmmm. I've got to mull that over. That's a better way to think about it than they way I've been seeing it.
My chest still hurts when I get up in the morning and as I am active during the day, it gets to ache more towards the evening. It hurts to the touch, but is also numb - a weird, yucky feeling. My BIL told me that it took over a year for his chest to stop feeling that way. Yippee. People tell me the scar isn't bad. But I look at women wearing low cut tops with their perfect, smooth chests and sigh within.
But, hey, I'm a survivor and I'll wear my bathing suits with my scar hanging out with pride b/c I made it through and I'm going to get better every day! Although I ALMOST was a dead ducky, I'm NOT. So there!
Friday, June 17, 2011
At my nephew's house
For some reason, for the last four nights I've been having major problems sleeping; or going to sleep I should say. Up until then I was sleeping so well that I thought I'd be able to do away with the sleeping pills. Then suddenly every time I get ready to retire for the night, my anxiety goes through the roof. Yesterday and the day before I was having crying jags for no real reason. I'd go from OK to bawling my face off at the drop of a hat. Not little tears sliding down the face crying, but big heaving sobs. And usually I'd have no idea of why.
Last night the anxiety hit and I'd been so tired and sleepy, but now I was rigid with anxiety and I went to take a Xanax and burst into tears crying so hard I couldn't see. My sister was still up so I went out into the living room sobbing that I thought I was losing my mind b/c I couldn't stop crying and couldn't sleep from the anxiety. Peggy really helped calm me down, explaining how my system had gone through such a shock, and my hormones were all screwed up, and I'd been so focused on my daughter and now that job was done and here were all the feelings again.
Well, tonight I'm staying with my favorite nephew, Karl, and his wife, Stacy. I adore both of them. They'd bought a new house (had it built) last year and wanted me to see it. Plus I'm flying out of Greensboro tomorrow night and they live up near there. They fed me dinner and we took a good walk. After visiting for awhile, we all petered out and I'm actually getting to bed at a more normal hour. My sister and daughter are both night owls, so I was going to bed at 2, 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning before. Now it's not even midnight. God, I sure hope the anxiety thing doesn't hit me again tonight. I slept til 13:00 today when my BIL woke me up yet I've been tired all day long. Maybe my body is trying to make up for over doing it at my daughter''s.
So, I get to visit with Karl and Stacy tomorrow til Karl takes me to the airport in time for my 20:00 flight HOME!! HOME!!!
Last night the anxiety hit and I'd been so tired and sleepy, but now I was rigid with anxiety and I went to take a Xanax and burst into tears crying so hard I couldn't see. My sister was still up so I went out into the living room sobbing that I thought I was losing my mind b/c I couldn't stop crying and couldn't sleep from the anxiety. Peggy really helped calm me down, explaining how my system had gone through such a shock, and my hormones were all screwed up, and I'd been so focused on my daughter and now that job was done and here were all the feelings again.
Well, tonight I'm staying with my favorite nephew, Karl, and his wife, Stacy. I adore both of them. They'd bought a new house (had it built) last year and wanted me to see it. Plus I'm flying out of Greensboro tomorrow night and they live up near there. They fed me dinner and we took a good walk. After visiting for awhile, we all petered out and I'm actually getting to bed at a more normal hour. My sister and daughter are both night owls, so I was going to bed at 2, 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning before. Now it's not even midnight. God, I sure hope the anxiety thing doesn't hit me again tonight. I slept til 13:00 today when my BIL woke me up yet I've been tired all day long. Maybe my body is trying to make up for over doing it at my daughter''s.
So, I get to visit with Karl and Stacy tomorrow til Karl takes me to the airport in time for my 20:00 flight HOME!! HOME!!!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Long Day
Long, but satisfying, day. Made soup and baked chicken for my sweet daughter. She took baby Matthew for his first checkup. All is well. Daughter is very sore and her milk is coming in. Thank God b/c baby wasn't real satisfied with what he was getting before!
Also did laundry. I know I'm doing too much. My chest hurts more than it has. I'm using my arms a lot cooking, lifting heavy pots, reaching, etc. I tell myself it's worth it, but I hope I'm not setting back my own recovery too much. The end of the month seems a ways off, but soon it'll be July 5 and I'll be back at work and I hope I'll be in shape to get through the days.
I think I'm feeling OK emotionally, then something will set me off and I'm sobbing and sobbing. I tried to sing a nursery song to the baby and suddenly I was crying so hard. I think it was about Mom. When Matthew was born I instinctively thought "I've got to tell Mom --!" Forgetting she's gone. I still have moments when I just can't comprehend a world without her in it. It hurts so much. Mommy, are you watching? Do you see our new baby? Did you feel this way when you were with me when I had Jenny?
Sometimes - well always I guess - I just don't understand this living thing. Or dying thing. What am I doing here? Do I welcome where we're all going, or is it all pure terror? Was my bypass the first step in my accepting my own impending death, or was it a reprieve or a bonus life?? How could I have been so close to death and not have been aware? Will I ever have the courage to face it?? Do I have the courage to fully live again?
My Cece is now blogging and what she writes scares me. Will we ever have our relationship back again anywhere near the same? Are we irreparably changed for the worse?? Can we "play" with abandon like before?? Have I now gotten too old; too fragile??
I'd wish for the time before all this happened, but how can I when I was "dead woman walking"? Can't go back anyway, so what's the sense wasting my time wishing. If I was going to wish for something, I'd wish to go back to when Mom was still here. I went through her death date this year in a blur - well, that was the day I started this blog. How odd.
I've got to get to some meetings when I get home. Aside from the meeting my dear ones brought to my house after the surgery, I haven't been to any. I have a doctor's appointment on the 21st; I hope he says I can drive again. That's bound to make me feel more like I'm back in the world. I've been so dependent for so long. Me, who hates being dependent under any circumstances. Ironic, huh?
Well, enough whining for tonight.
Also did laundry. I know I'm doing too much. My chest hurts more than it has. I'm using my arms a lot cooking, lifting heavy pots, reaching, etc. I tell myself it's worth it, but I hope I'm not setting back my own recovery too much. The end of the month seems a ways off, but soon it'll be July 5 and I'll be back at work and I hope I'll be in shape to get through the days.
I think I'm feeling OK emotionally, then something will set me off and I'm sobbing and sobbing. I tried to sing a nursery song to the baby and suddenly I was crying so hard. I think it was about Mom. When Matthew was born I instinctively thought "I've got to tell Mom --!" Forgetting she's gone. I still have moments when I just can't comprehend a world without her in it. It hurts so much. Mommy, are you watching? Do you see our new baby? Did you feel this way when you were with me when I had Jenny?
Sometimes - well always I guess - I just don't understand this living thing. Or dying thing. What am I doing here? Do I welcome where we're all going, or is it all pure terror? Was my bypass the first step in my accepting my own impending death, or was it a reprieve or a bonus life?? How could I have been so close to death and not have been aware? Will I ever have the courage to face it?? Do I have the courage to fully live again?
My Cece is now blogging and what she writes scares me. Will we ever have our relationship back again anywhere near the same? Are we irreparably changed for the worse?? Can we "play" with abandon like before?? Have I now gotten too old; too fragile??
I'd wish for the time before all this happened, but how can I when I was "dead woman walking"? Can't go back anyway, so what's the sense wasting my time wishing. If I was going to wish for something, I'd wish to go back to when Mom was still here. I went through her death date this year in a blur - well, that was the day I started this blog. How odd.
I've got to get to some meetings when I get home. Aside from the meeting my dear ones brought to my house after the surgery, I haven't been to any. I have a doctor's appointment on the 21st; I hope he says I can drive again. That's bound to make me feel more like I'm back in the world. I've been so dependent for so long. Me, who hates being dependent under any circumstances. Ironic, huh?
Well, enough whining for tonight.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Home with baby
Beloved daughter is home with the baby. My daughter's friend took me grocery shopping and I spent a fortune stocking her fridge and cabinet. Made her a pot roast with potatoes and carrots and onions and salad tonight. Plenty to freeze about 6 individual dinners for her. Tomorrow I'll make chili and freeze what we don't eat. She lost a lot of blood and I want to make sure she's got the best quality food. Easy individual meals that she can grab, reheat, and have a home cooked meal to keep her healthy.
Unfortunately, I hurt my chest trying to put a lid on one of the Tupperware lids. It was the kind you have to push the flaps down and in. Felt a stabbing pain when I pushed the flap too hard. Of course, that action pulled my chest muscles. Hurt so bad and almost went down to my knees. This hasn't been a good few days as far as my chest healing.
This morning before my daughter came home, had several crying fits. I'm not sure why. More crazy, carnival ride of feelings since the bypass. My grandson will never know the pre-bypass me. That's kind of a funny thought. Like maybe I'm entering a new life.
I sure love hearing from y'all. Signing out for tonight.
Unfortunately, I hurt my chest trying to put a lid on one of the Tupperware lids. It was the kind you have to push the flaps down and in. Felt a stabbing pain when I pushed the flap too hard. Of course, that action pulled my chest muscles. Hurt so bad and almost went down to my knees. This hasn't been a good few days as far as my chest healing.
This morning before my daughter came home, had several crying fits. I'm not sure why. More crazy, carnival ride of feelings since the bypass. My grandson will never know the pre-bypass me. That's kind of a funny thought. Like maybe I'm entering a new life.
I sure love hearing from y'all. Signing out for tonight.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Sunday Night
Well, daughter delivered a hefty, 9 pound 10 ounce boy at 22:06 Saturday night after a very difficult labor. Her friend was unable to be there with Jenny's for the birth b/c the friend was out of town, so I was the only person there with her other than her doula. I'm sooo glad I made the decision to extend my time up here!!
I was at my sister's when my daughter called saying she had bad itching in her palms. It was so bad that she felt like tearing the skin off. She'd looked it up and discovered it could be a symptom on intrahepatic cholestasis - a serious condition of the liver which could be fatal to the baby. My sister told her to call her doula immediately. They had her come in to the hospital to check her liver. They took blood tests and were waiting for results of others when they decided they'd better induce her labor in an abundance of caution. Apparently, they'd lost a baby to this unusual complication only a few weeks earlier. Jenny insisted upon going home first. She'd been unprepared to stay at the hospital and wanted to pack her bag and take care of her dogs. She was back at the hospital about 01:00 or so and called us back. My sister woke up her husband and we all set out for the military hospital. At this point, the last time I'd slept was Thursday night. We got there at the hospital around 03:30 or so. They didn't actually start the Petocin until around 08:00, after having a LOT of trouble getting an IV in my poor daughter.
Jenny's friend finally got there around an hour and a half after my grandson's birth. She brought food!!! Neither of us had eaten all day long! We sure were happy to see her!! She's to be the baby's godmother. She drove me home after Jenny and baby were settled into a room. I was beyond exhausted. The night had been so intense - baby was so large he was stuck. It was only through the efforts of the doula and midwife that Jenny avoided a c-section. Baby Matthew's heart rate was dipping dangerously low as Jenny was trying to push him out. I was doing much more - physically - than I should have been. I kept taking a pain pill when things got really bad, and forging ahead.
When godmom took me home to Jenny's house, I was all but immobile. I slept til 13:30, got up for about an hour but was so exhausted and in pain that I just went back to bed. I've had to take a higher dosage of pain medication than I've had to use in about a week now. My chest hurts so bad and I can hardly use my arms. Guess I set myself back somewhat. I'm really hoping that I'll be better enough tomorrow so that I can cook her a good dinner when she comes home. Another of her friends agreed to come by tomorrow to take me to the store to get some supplies.
So, I'm here alone at my daughter's house. I washed her bedding so she'd have a fresh bed when she gets home. Taking care of her sweet doggies. On one hand, I'm glad that I'll be here for a few days after she's home with the baby - but I want to go home so badly I can't even let myself think about it.
So, that's what's happening in my world. I'm a grandma!!
I was at my sister's when my daughter called saying she had bad itching in her palms. It was so bad that she felt like tearing the skin off. She'd looked it up and discovered it could be a symptom on intrahepatic cholestasis - a serious condition of the liver which could be fatal to the baby. My sister told her to call her doula immediately. They had her come in to the hospital to check her liver. They took blood tests and were waiting for results of others when they decided they'd better induce her labor in an abundance of caution. Apparently, they'd lost a baby to this unusual complication only a few weeks earlier. Jenny insisted upon going home first. She'd been unprepared to stay at the hospital and wanted to pack her bag and take care of her dogs. She was back at the hospital about 01:00 or so and called us back. My sister woke up her husband and we all set out for the military hospital. At this point, the last time I'd slept was Thursday night. We got there at the hospital around 03:30 or so. They didn't actually start the Petocin until around 08:00, after having a LOT of trouble getting an IV in my poor daughter.
Jenny's friend finally got there around an hour and a half after my grandson's birth. She brought food!!! Neither of us had eaten all day long! We sure were happy to see her!! She's to be the baby's godmother. She drove me home after Jenny and baby were settled into a room. I was beyond exhausted. The night had been so intense - baby was so large he was stuck. It was only through the efforts of the doula and midwife that Jenny avoided a c-section. Baby Matthew's heart rate was dipping dangerously low as Jenny was trying to push him out. I was doing much more - physically - than I should have been. I kept taking a pain pill when things got really bad, and forging ahead.
When godmom took me home to Jenny's house, I was all but immobile. I slept til 13:30, got up for about an hour but was so exhausted and in pain that I just went back to bed. I've had to take a higher dosage of pain medication than I've had to use in about a week now. My chest hurts so bad and I can hardly use my arms. Guess I set myself back somewhat. I'm really hoping that I'll be better enough tomorrow so that I can cook her a good dinner when she comes home. Another of her friends agreed to come by tomorrow to take me to the store to get some supplies.
So, I'm here alone at my daughter's house. I washed her bedding so she'd have a fresh bed when she gets home. Taking care of her sweet doggies. On one hand, I'm glad that I'll be here for a few days after she's home with the baby - but I want to go home so badly I can't even let myself think about it.
So, that's what's happening in my world. I'm a grandma!!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Friday in NC
No baby yet, though my daughter had some problems for which she was checked out at hospital. All turned out OK. I was on pins and needles for awhile there. I worry about not having enough stamina if I'm up all day and she decides to go into labor at night. I get exhausted so easily.
Forgot to walk today and then it got dark and didn't want to walk at night. Tomorrow my BIL and I are going up to my nephew's house (their youngest son) up near Durham. We'll probably get way up there only to get a call from Jenny saying she's in labor. But we can't put our lives on hold.
I notice that when I'm laying down (sleeping or resting) and I'm comfortable, when I get up, my chest goes into mega-pain within the first couple of steps; as if the change in position really upsets everything. Does that happen to everyone I wonder? I'm starting to have trouble sleeping now that I'm not taking very much pain medication. That was a problem for me before the surgery, but I was hoping that it would be better now. Looks like it may still be a problem.
When I get home, I want to get all my medical records including the angiogram report and photos. I want to get the dictated report of the surgery itself. I want to look at them and study them and try to make sense out of this. I still have secret suspicions that I never really had blockages and this whole operation was a scam so that the doctors had something to do and/or make money off me. Sorry all doctors out there. I guess that's still of my denial clinging on. I mean, really, that's not possible is it??
I don't feel as depressed as I did a little while ago. I still feel disconnected with the world, though. And not sure about where and how I fit in and how do I put my life back together again? How can my relationship be the same? Are we always going to be afraid to rough house, have sex, or do other energetic things? Can I ride roller coasters anymore? Can I still dive?
I'm still using the breathing thingy they gave me at the hospital; the one where you breathe in and see how much you can inflate your lungs. As the numbers get higher, it takes longer to move to the next level. I don't know what a normal person can do with it. I do know that I can certainly breathe in better than when I started!! But not like I used to be able to b/c my tight chest seems to partially block a big breath. I hate the numb, yucky feeling of touching my scar. It feels so weird. Plus the doctors made a crooked incision. It's not centered properly. I've got a lopsided scar. Great.
I need to get a hold of my doctor. I should have called them today. The past two morning I've been waking up nauseous and shaky. I wonder if it's the meds? Or maybe my sugar is off. I don't start feeling OK until I've been up an hour or so. Don't know what that's about.
Well, really tired now and got to get to sleep. Long day ahead tomorrow - and that's if my daughter doesn't complicate things by going into labor. Of course, she's already late, so it would be wonderful if that little boy decided to join our world soon!
Signing off as "Darling Ducky".
Forgot to walk today and then it got dark and didn't want to walk at night. Tomorrow my BIL and I are going up to my nephew's house (their youngest son) up near Durham. We'll probably get way up there only to get a call from Jenny saying she's in labor. But we can't put our lives on hold.
I notice that when I'm laying down (sleeping or resting) and I'm comfortable, when I get up, my chest goes into mega-pain within the first couple of steps; as if the change in position really upsets everything. Does that happen to everyone I wonder? I'm starting to have trouble sleeping now that I'm not taking very much pain medication. That was a problem for me before the surgery, but I was hoping that it would be better now. Looks like it may still be a problem.
When I get home, I want to get all my medical records including the angiogram report and photos. I want to get the dictated report of the surgery itself. I want to look at them and study them and try to make sense out of this. I still have secret suspicions that I never really had blockages and this whole operation was a scam so that the doctors had something to do and/or make money off me. Sorry all doctors out there. I guess that's still of my denial clinging on. I mean, really, that's not possible is it??
I don't feel as depressed as I did a little while ago. I still feel disconnected with the world, though. And not sure about where and how I fit in and how do I put my life back together again? How can my relationship be the same? Are we always going to be afraid to rough house, have sex, or do other energetic things? Can I ride roller coasters anymore? Can I still dive?
I'm still using the breathing thingy they gave me at the hospital; the one where you breathe in and see how much you can inflate your lungs. As the numbers get higher, it takes longer to move to the next level. I don't know what a normal person can do with it. I do know that I can certainly breathe in better than when I started!! But not like I used to be able to b/c my tight chest seems to partially block a big breath. I hate the numb, yucky feeling of touching my scar. It feels so weird. Plus the doctors made a crooked incision. It's not centered properly. I've got a lopsided scar. Great.
I need to get a hold of my doctor. I should have called them today. The past two morning I've been waking up nauseous and shaky. I wonder if it's the meds? Or maybe my sugar is off. I don't start feeling OK until I've been up an hour or so. Don't know what that's about.
Well, really tired now and got to get to sleep. Long day ahead tomorrow - and that's if my daughter doesn't complicate things by going into labor. Of course, she's already late, so it would be wonderful if that little boy decided to join our world soon!
Signing off as "Darling Ducky".
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Back again
Well, missed yesterday b/c I stayed up so late. My sister's a/c broke down last evening and it got too hot to sleep. Felt dragged out all day today. Dude came by and fixed the a/c, so all is well. It was 97 here today and expected to be that hot tomorrow, too. What weather!! Worse than S. Florida!
In spite of everything, I walked today and yesterday. My stamina is improving and my legs don't look so wasted away as they did. Beginning to build up a little muscle tissue. But my chest and arms are still the problem. My sister's pug jumped onto the couch where I was laying down today, right onto my chest!!! I thought I was going to die! The pain finally subsided and I determined that nothing seemed to be "broken" but my chest hurt worse the rest of the day. I KNEW that dumb dog was going to get me sooner or later. It has no manners at all. My daughter's dogs are MUCH better behaved. But they're all good dogs, really.
I miss my kitties. Feel like I've left my real life behind, but then I recall that I even felt that way when I was recovering at home, so I think it's more the surgery and its aftermath more than being up here.
Still no freaking baby!! I worry that they'll talk my daughter into getting some kind of intervention, like inducement or something just because she's a little late. Still, I know she's SO mentally and physically ready to have the baby. Of course, she has no idea of what a pain in the ass the little bugger will be once he's out. he he
Overall, I'm still feeling a LITTLE less depressed than I was. There must be some reason all this happened. I think. I'm grateful for how it all played out, given that I could well have just dropped dead of a heart attack or cardiac arrest without ever having a clue that there was anything wrong with my heart.
Would love to hear from those reading this. Is it helpful? Not so much??
In spite of everything, I walked today and yesterday. My stamina is improving and my legs don't look so wasted away as they did. Beginning to build up a little muscle tissue. But my chest and arms are still the problem. My sister's pug jumped onto the couch where I was laying down today, right onto my chest!!! I thought I was going to die! The pain finally subsided and I determined that nothing seemed to be "broken" but my chest hurt worse the rest of the day. I KNEW that dumb dog was going to get me sooner or later. It has no manners at all. My daughter's dogs are MUCH better behaved. But they're all good dogs, really.
I miss my kitties. Feel like I've left my real life behind, but then I recall that I even felt that way when I was recovering at home, so I think it's more the surgery and its aftermath more than being up here.
Still no freaking baby!! I worry that they'll talk my daughter into getting some kind of intervention, like inducement or something just because she's a little late. Still, I know she's SO mentally and physically ready to have the baby. Of course, she has no idea of what a pain in the ass the little bugger will be once he's out. he he
Overall, I'm still feeling a LITTLE less depressed than I was. There must be some reason all this happened. I think. I'm grateful for how it all played out, given that I could well have just dropped dead of a heart attack or cardiac arrest without ever having a clue that there was anything wrong with my heart.
Would love to hear from those reading this. Is it helpful? Not so much??
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Tuesday progress
At my sister's and not as depressed. That feels good - to not get up feeling like the weight of the world is crushing you. Aside from going out to the supermarket and walking up and down the isles, I didn't do any exercise today. Just felt worn out. Had a long nap this afternoon and now stayed up late again.
Still no grandbaby. Decided to extend my stay until the 18th. Of course US Air wouldn't let me change my flight without a HUGE fee, so it was cheaper to just book another one-way fare. Cece is sending my meds overnight. I think she was real disappointed that I decided to stay. But, still, it made sense. Now, if the baby will only cooperate . . .
I wake up lately with not too much pain in my chest; more just stiffness. Can't lean my head back to look up very comfortably. My chest feels so tight. But as the day goes on, the pain builds. By the end of the night I find myself rubbing and rubbing my chest, trying to soothe it. Not that it helps.
So, maybe I really WILL have a life after all this. Maybe this isn't a prelude to my imminent death. Is it foolish to hope?
Still no grandbaby. Decided to extend my stay until the 18th. Of course US Air wouldn't let me change my flight without a HUGE fee, so it was cheaper to just book another one-way fare. Cece is sending my meds overnight. I think she was real disappointed that I decided to stay. But, still, it made sense. Now, if the baby will only cooperate . . .
I wake up lately with not too much pain in my chest; more just stiffness. Can't lean my head back to look up very comfortably. My chest feels so tight. But as the day goes on, the pain builds. By the end of the night I find myself rubbing and rubbing my chest, trying to soothe it. Not that it helps.
So, maybe I really WILL have a life after all this. Maybe this isn't a prelude to my imminent death. Is it foolish to hope?
LATE Monday night
OK, it's actually Tuesday morning, 03:00. I'm back here at my sister's and the consensus here with sister and BIL is that I'd be crazy to have come up here to go back just before the baby is born. So tomorrow I'm going to look into staying. Beloved will have to send my meds up overnight b/c she only packed enough for me for the time she expected me to be away. Don't know how hard a time US Air is going to give me trying to change the unchangeable ticket.
No, daughter still hasn't gone into labor yet and she's the most disgusted one of all of us. She brought me back over to my sister's b/c she knows Peggy is up and around after working an all night shift Sunday-Monday. So we stayed up and talked and watched TV and talked some more and had tea.
Took the longest walk yet Sunday with my ex. It felt good until the last 1/3 when I felt more breathless and my chest hurt. I swear it feels like my heart is flopping around in my chest cavity unattached to anything and it bounces with every step I take. Yucking feeling. But when I woke up this morning, I felt stronger than ever and that felt so hopeful I wasn't as depressed as I usually am upon waking.
Before the surgery, I had to take Lunesta just about nightly in order to sleep. Has been that way since my mother died in 2006. But since the surgery I haven't had to take it once. Now, the fact that I can stay up as late as I want and not have to worry about getting up for work may have something to do with that; I don't know. In the first couple of weeks home, sleeping on the lazy-boy chair in the living room, I slept like a newborn baby sleeps: an hour or so at a time. I couldn't get up by myself back then and couldn't get up to turn on a light. Cece and Lola gave me a little flashlight to use to read if I wanted to, or I'd play on my iPhone until I got sleepy again.
Now, I'm sleeping for longer periods at a time, but still taking naps during the day. Today I went to sleep after my daughter and I went and got our nails done. Came home, had something to eat and conked out. Was sleeping so hard that, even though my bedroom is closest to her front door, I never heard the doorbell ring or heard the dogs barking when a friend of my daughter's came to visit.
I don't feel as lonely here with Peggy. We really talk on a deep level and she's so insightful. I like being at both places for different reasons. As soon as we got here this evening, I asked my niece if she'd walk with me. It was almost dark and I hadn't gotten my walk in. We didn't go as far as I did the day before, but I didn't have as much stamina. I'd gotten so hopeful, but any time I push my body, it pushes back. My niece said she noticed a difference since I'd been there last week. Last week I couldn't push open their sliding glass door onto their Carolina room, but I can with difficulty now.
I was talking to wife about going back to work. Have to talk to Dr. V. about it and get a note from him. I can't see being able to work at a desk and/or at a computer 8 hours a day - or even 4 hours yet. Or by the 15th which at this point is the earliest work thinks I might be back. It's the 7th now, and although I'm getting better all the time, it's one day good and then the next day or next couple of days not so good. Overall, the pain is getting much more bearable most of the time, but can come back with a vengeance when I'm up and about too much. I'm going to ask the doctor about all this. I don't think I'll be ready to go back to work til the end of the month. Hopefully, I'll still have a job.
Unexpected things bring pain: Like riding in a car. If it's a windy road or bumpy, it hurts. You don't realize how many muscles you use balancing yourself upright when you're a passenger in a car. I sure am aware of it now. I'm exhausted if it's a long trip or the ride isn't real smooth.
Did I say that my hormones are all screwed up? I had a hysterectomy back in the early 80's and have been on bio-identical hormones for ages now. But in the past couple of weeks I've been having lots of hot flashes, especially at night. When I get back I'll have to check with my homeopathic doctor to see if my medication needs adjusting or what. Did the shock of the surgery put my hormonal system out of whack? Seems like it. Guess everything about my body - directly connected to my heart or not - has taken a hit.
Got to get some sleep. If my daughter called right now, I'd be useless with no sleep. Besides, not sure how I'd get to her. BIL isn't always very cooperative. We'll see.
I'd sure love some feedback from those who've been through this before me. How long am I going to be so weak? Is there a new "normal" for me? Can one live after this without fear of the future?
No, daughter still hasn't gone into labor yet and she's the most disgusted one of all of us. She brought me back over to my sister's b/c she knows Peggy is up and around after working an all night shift Sunday-Monday. So we stayed up and talked and watched TV and talked some more and had tea.
Took the longest walk yet Sunday with my ex. It felt good until the last 1/3 when I felt more breathless and my chest hurt. I swear it feels like my heart is flopping around in my chest cavity unattached to anything and it bounces with every step I take. Yucking feeling. But when I woke up this morning, I felt stronger than ever and that felt so hopeful I wasn't as depressed as I usually am upon waking.
Before the surgery, I had to take Lunesta just about nightly in order to sleep. Has been that way since my mother died in 2006. But since the surgery I haven't had to take it once. Now, the fact that I can stay up as late as I want and not have to worry about getting up for work may have something to do with that; I don't know. In the first couple of weeks home, sleeping on the lazy-boy chair in the living room, I slept like a newborn baby sleeps: an hour or so at a time. I couldn't get up by myself back then and couldn't get up to turn on a light. Cece and Lola gave me a little flashlight to use to read if I wanted to, or I'd play on my iPhone until I got sleepy again.
Now, I'm sleeping for longer periods at a time, but still taking naps during the day. Today I went to sleep after my daughter and I went and got our nails done. Came home, had something to eat and conked out. Was sleeping so hard that, even though my bedroom is closest to her front door, I never heard the doorbell ring or heard the dogs barking when a friend of my daughter's came to visit.
I don't feel as lonely here with Peggy. We really talk on a deep level and she's so insightful. I like being at both places for different reasons. As soon as we got here this evening, I asked my niece if she'd walk with me. It was almost dark and I hadn't gotten my walk in. We didn't go as far as I did the day before, but I didn't have as much stamina. I'd gotten so hopeful, but any time I push my body, it pushes back. My niece said she noticed a difference since I'd been there last week. Last week I couldn't push open their sliding glass door onto their Carolina room, but I can with difficulty now.
I was talking to wife about going back to work. Have to talk to Dr. V. about it and get a note from him. I can't see being able to work at a desk and/or at a computer 8 hours a day - or even 4 hours yet. Or by the 15th which at this point is the earliest work thinks I might be back. It's the 7th now, and although I'm getting better all the time, it's one day good and then the next day or next couple of days not so good. Overall, the pain is getting much more bearable most of the time, but can come back with a vengeance when I'm up and about too much. I'm going to ask the doctor about all this. I don't think I'll be ready to go back to work til the end of the month. Hopefully, I'll still have a job.
Unexpected things bring pain: Like riding in a car. If it's a windy road or bumpy, it hurts. You don't realize how many muscles you use balancing yourself upright when you're a passenger in a car. I sure am aware of it now. I'm exhausted if it's a long trip or the ride isn't real smooth.
Did I say that my hormones are all screwed up? I had a hysterectomy back in the early 80's and have been on bio-identical hormones for ages now. But in the past couple of weeks I've been having lots of hot flashes, especially at night. When I get back I'll have to check with my homeopathic doctor to see if my medication needs adjusting or what. Did the shock of the surgery put my hormonal system out of whack? Seems like it. Guess everything about my body - directly connected to my heart or not - has taken a hit.
Got to get some sleep. If my daughter called right now, I'd be useless with no sleep. Besides, not sure how I'd get to her. BIL isn't always very cooperative. We'll see.
I'd sure love some feedback from those who've been through this before me. How long am I going to be so weak? Is there a new "normal" for me? Can one live after this without fear of the future?
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Sunday thoughts
In the past few nights I've been able to lie almost flat in the bed instead of having to sleep half sitting up. Also, last night I tried sleeping on my side again. I still need to hug a pillow tightly to my chest, but I can do it and it feels so good to sleep on my side again. I equate back sleeping with illness or injury.
It seems that I can do a little more each day without paying the price of feeling like I've been hit by a truck. I hate the way the incision area feels - numb and painful at the same time. And the numbness extends out from the incision to my breasts and almost to the nipples. I know the nerves are going to take a long time to heal. Kinda glad my nipples were spared. :-)
I didn't take a walk yesterday b/c we did a lot of running around - so I got the walking in without taking a formal walk.
I get up each morning feeling overwhelmed with depression. When I get home I'll have to talk to my primary physician. Do I have to just suck it up or can she increase my antidepressant medications without hurting me? I feel like my heart is in the toilet. A lot of it is fear, I think. I project: What if the bypasses fail (like my BIL's did)? I can't go through this again. How long will it take for these arteries to clog? What happens then? Was this a new lease on life or the preview of how the rest of my life is going to be? I'm afraid of the future and not OK with just happened to me.
I'm in a quandary about whether to extend my stay - since my uncooperative daughter is not showing any signs that she's having the baby any time soon - or to just go home Wednesday. It would be such a shame to miss the birth after coming up here. Then again, I'm still not in a position to be the help I wanted to be for my daughter. I had visions of helping her in her first week home after the baby was born; that chaotic first week when you're trying to absorb all the changes in your life. But actually, in the shape I'm in, I'm no real help. When I first got here I was probably a burden. Things have gotten better, but I'm still not a HELP to her. Just here. Waiting with her. Today is her due date.
When I laid on my side, I could feel and hear my heart beating so fast. Why is it beating so fast?? I wonder if something's wrong?
I'm no closer to figuring out what this all means than when I started. I just went through it and did the best I could do. I REALLY want to figure out how and why this happened so maybe I can prevent it again. Is that possible? Should I have 6 month angiograms?? Wait for symptoms?? That's scary b/c the symptoms I had before were so nebulous. I could easily miss them. I still feel weird in my own body. Or maybe it's that my body feels weird to me. I didn't feel this way when I had my hysterectomy or my appendectomy. Oh, I had feelings about it, but not like this.
Signing off for now. I'm (not quite) Dead Ducky.
It seems that I can do a little more each day without paying the price of feeling like I've been hit by a truck. I hate the way the incision area feels - numb and painful at the same time. And the numbness extends out from the incision to my breasts and almost to the nipples. I know the nerves are going to take a long time to heal. Kinda glad my nipples were spared. :-)
I didn't take a walk yesterday b/c we did a lot of running around - so I got the walking in without taking a formal walk.
I get up each morning feeling overwhelmed with depression. When I get home I'll have to talk to my primary physician. Do I have to just suck it up or can she increase my antidepressant medications without hurting me? I feel like my heart is in the toilet. A lot of it is fear, I think. I project: What if the bypasses fail (like my BIL's did)? I can't go through this again. How long will it take for these arteries to clog? What happens then? Was this a new lease on life or the preview of how the rest of my life is going to be? I'm afraid of the future and not OK with just happened to me.
I'm in a quandary about whether to extend my stay - since my uncooperative daughter is not showing any signs that she's having the baby any time soon - or to just go home Wednesday. It would be such a shame to miss the birth after coming up here. Then again, I'm still not in a position to be the help I wanted to be for my daughter. I had visions of helping her in her first week home after the baby was born; that chaotic first week when you're trying to absorb all the changes in your life. But actually, in the shape I'm in, I'm no real help. When I first got here I was probably a burden. Things have gotten better, but I'm still not a HELP to her. Just here. Waiting with her. Today is her due date.
When I laid on my side, I could feel and hear my heart beating so fast. Why is it beating so fast?? I wonder if something's wrong?
I'm no closer to figuring out what this all means than when I started. I just went through it and did the best I could do. I REALLY want to figure out how and why this happened so maybe I can prevent it again. Is that possible? Should I have 6 month angiograms?? Wait for symptoms?? That's scary b/c the symptoms I had before were so nebulous. I could easily miss them. I still feel weird in my own body. Or maybe it's that my body feels weird to me. I didn't feel this way when I had my hysterectomy or my appendectomy. Oh, I had feelings about it, but not like this.
Signing off for now. I'm (not quite) Dead Ducky.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Fair Friday
I asked my sister about this when I was with her, but didn't get a definitive answer. When I lean forward, it feels like my heart and lungs flop against my chest - like they're just floating around in my chest cavity unattached to anything to hold them into place. Were they always like that and I didn't notice?
Today when I walked, it felt like with each step my heart was jiggling - once again as though it wasn't attached to anything. It used to be painful, but today on my walk it just felt a little weird. Can it be that my heart is just flopping around in my chest cavity? Will it ever feel like it's in place? Do other people experience this?
I walked alone for the first time. Asked my daughter to walk with me - thinking it would be good for her to walk, as well as being safer for me - but she didn't want to go. I told her before I came that I'd want her to walk with me, and she agreed, but now that I'm here she hasn't walked with me yet. Then I thought - well I've got to take the plunge sooner or later and walk by myself. Might as well be now. I tried not to think about what would happen if I tripped and fell or got dizzy or something. But all went well and it was actually cooler this evening.
Most of this morning felt so depressed it felt like I couldn't breathe. Just crushing loneliness, depression, and sadness. Yet I'm isolating. I made the effort and called back a few of the people who've called and left messages. Sometimes I have flashes where I feel optimistic - but they don't last long.
I hate the way my chest feels. Not just the scar, but a good ways on either side of it, too. An awful, numb but painful uncomfortable feeling. All the nerves are screwed up and I know they take forever to heal.
Oh yeah, still no baby. Shit.
Today when I walked, it felt like with each step my heart was jiggling - once again as though it wasn't attached to anything. It used to be painful, but today on my walk it just felt a little weird. Can it be that my heart is just flopping around in my chest cavity? Will it ever feel like it's in place? Do other people experience this?
I walked alone for the first time. Asked my daughter to walk with me - thinking it would be good for her to walk, as well as being safer for me - but she didn't want to go. I told her before I came that I'd want her to walk with me, and she agreed, but now that I'm here she hasn't walked with me yet. Then I thought - well I've got to take the plunge sooner or later and walk by myself. Might as well be now. I tried not to think about what would happen if I tripped and fell or got dizzy or something. But all went well and it was actually cooler this evening.
Most of this morning felt so depressed it felt like I couldn't breathe. Just crushing loneliness, depression, and sadness. Yet I'm isolating. I made the effort and called back a few of the people who've called and left messages. Sometimes I have flashes where I feel optimistic - but they don't last long.
I hate the way my chest feels. Not just the scar, but a good ways on either side of it, too. An awful, numb but painful uncomfortable feeling. All the nerves are screwed up and I know they take forever to heal.
Oh yeah, still no baby. Shit.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Still no baby
Today went better than I expected - as far as my ex is concerned. Jenny's so sick of being pregnant; still working and her hands are swelling and hurting.
I went for a long walk with the ex (as daughter was busy taking a test) but might have pushed it too far. I wasn't paying attention, as he was asking about what happened and I was telling him the story. Now my chest is on fire. Hurting and burning. Just when I thought I was really getting ahead of the pain.
Work called me and I didn't know what to say. I want to keep them happy but I don't want to get myself in a situation where I'm trying to do too much too fast.
Still so fucking sad!! It occurred to me that I haven't been praying and maybe it's time I started doing that regularly again. I've been so afraid you'd have thought I'd already been doing that but my focus has been so much on surviving and getting better FAST. When I get home, I've got to get back to some meetings. I feel isolated. I wish Jenny would have her baby; I hope she has it by the 8th b/c I don't think I want to extend my stay. I'm lonely and I want to go home.
Well, I might call myself Dead Ducky but I'm not dead yet!! This plugged up heart of mine didn't kill me. I'm profoundly grateful for that, even in the midst of sadness.
I went for a long walk with the ex (as daughter was busy taking a test) but might have pushed it too far. I wasn't paying attention, as he was asking about what happened and I was telling him the story. Now my chest is on fire. Hurting and burning. Just when I thought I was really getting ahead of the pain.
Work called me and I didn't know what to say. I want to keep them happy but I don't want to get myself in a situation where I'm trying to do too much too fast.
Still so fucking sad!! It occurred to me that I haven't been praying and maybe it's time I started doing that regularly again. I've been so afraid you'd have thought I'd already been doing that but my focus has been so much on surviving and getting better FAST. When I get home, I've got to get back to some meetings. I feel isolated. I wish Jenny would have her baby; I hope she has it by the 8th b/c I don't think I want to extend my stay. I'm lonely and I want to go home.
Well, I might call myself Dead Ducky but I'm not dead yet!! This plugged up heart of mine didn't kill me. I'm profoundly grateful for that, even in the midst of sadness.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
I MADE IT A MONTH!!
4 weeks since my bypass. Back at my daughter's house now. Told my sister about my blog but she didn't seem interested. It was good to visit with her, though. They understand what I'm going through probably more than anyone else I've talked to.
My sister said nurses have some phrase for what I'm going through: some kind of disturbed body image, I think she called it. The feelings seem to flow past, one chasing the other. One minute I'll feel OK, the next I'll be so sad and not sure why. My chest is feeling somewhat better overall, but I can easily get it mad without doing much. Today was a lazy day, but we did a lot yesterday. I was really tired all day. Wonder if I'll sleep tonight?
My daughter's father - with whom I used to get along very well with - is coming to Jenny's house sometime tonight. We had a major falling out last year and I'm not looking forward to dealing with him. On the other hand, might as well sooner than later, since we will both be sharing the care of my daughter's baby when she gets deployed in the latter part of this year. We've been divorced for 25 or so years and have always dealt pretty well with each other; especially in raising our daughter. It's too bad things are so changed now.
I miss my wife. It's weird, part of me feels like everything else is different, why shouldn't where I am be different, too?? What's it going to be like going back to work? How long is it going to take before I feel strong again? How will I know if I'm really all right, when I didn't seem to know when I THOUGHT I knew??!! I hate this weak, vulnerable feeling. I want to feel different. I want to think I'll be happy again. Will I? Will I ever feel safe again?? Is that too much to ask??
This is so fucked up and I don't know what to do about it. Who am I now?? Will life ever feel natural and normal again?? Will I ever be unafraid again?
There I go, sliding into a morass of self-pity. But who else should I feel sorry for?? If I can't feel sorry about a bypass, what would it take for a little self-pity to be all right? But, really, I can't stay in it all that long b/c it just makes everything worse. Like giving a drunk a drink.
I do feel somewhat "dead ducky" tonight. Forgive me.
My sister said nurses have some phrase for what I'm going through: some kind of disturbed body image, I think she called it. The feelings seem to flow past, one chasing the other. One minute I'll feel OK, the next I'll be so sad and not sure why. My chest is feeling somewhat better overall, but I can easily get it mad without doing much. Today was a lazy day, but we did a lot yesterday. I was really tired all day. Wonder if I'll sleep tonight?
My daughter's father - with whom I used to get along very well with - is coming to Jenny's house sometime tonight. We had a major falling out last year and I'm not looking forward to dealing with him. On the other hand, might as well sooner than later, since we will both be sharing the care of my daughter's baby when she gets deployed in the latter part of this year. We've been divorced for 25 or so years and have always dealt pretty well with each other; especially in raising our daughter. It's too bad things are so changed now.
I miss my wife. It's weird, part of me feels like everything else is different, why shouldn't where I am be different, too?? What's it going to be like going back to work? How long is it going to take before I feel strong again? How will I know if I'm really all right, when I didn't seem to know when I THOUGHT I knew??!! I hate this weak, vulnerable feeling. I want to feel different. I want to think I'll be happy again. Will I? Will I ever feel safe again?? Is that too much to ask??
This is so fucked up and I don't know what to do about it. Who am I now?? Will life ever feel natural and normal again?? Will I ever be unafraid again?
There I go, sliding into a morass of self-pity. But who else should I feel sorry for?? If I can't feel sorry about a bypass, what would it take for a little self-pity to be all right? But, really, I can't stay in it all that long b/c it just makes everything worse. Like giving a drunk a drink.
I do feel somewhat "dead ducky" tonight. Forgive me.
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