Slow Saturday

My wife and I discussed a lot of the details of my surgery and hospital stay. So much was going on while I was in my own world struggling and struggling minute-by-minute just to get through. I don't remember a lot of things and things I think I do remember didn't really happen sometimes.

I was in so much fear as they rolled me down to the operating room. My wife and my sister, Peggy, and my daughter, Jenny, and mother-in-law were all there. I'm thinking things like "this can't be happening to me!! No! No! No!" The spiritually aware part of myself is searching for my connection with my Higher Power where there's some hope that this'll all turn out all right. Memories of walking alongside my mother's gurney to surgery five years ago. Mostly just terror.

Then waking up and realizing it was over but being so disoriented that this fact was about the most I could take in. Nurses and people talking and the sounds of medical machines.

Later, terrible agony!! Terror and panic!! I didn't realize it at the moment but they'd given me too much drugs and I wasn't exchanging oxygen and Co2 in my lungs enough to keep me alive. They had a Cpap on my face and I didn't know why?! I couldn't hear the nurse and she couldn't hear my questions over the noise of the machine and when I tried to take the mask off so we could communicate, she asked me if I wanted to die. More panic!! The pain was incredible because they'd used Narcan to reverse the effects of all the pain medications. I'm blind in my right eye and she was on that side so I couldn't see her or understand her or what was going on. She seemed angry at me. Unbelievable agony and terror.

Then, off to the left I see the beautiful heads of my wife and sister (both my health care surrogates). I was SAFE!! My sister took my hand and swept my hair back from my forehead and soothed me while she tried to explain what was happening (she's a nurse and her own husband has had bypass surgery). Meanwhile my understanding wife was dealing with the frustrated nurse, letting her know that I needed to know what was going on; I needed to have things explained to me so I understood and wouldn't panic. She told my nurse that I couldn't see her and was pulling the CPAP away from my face so that I could see and hear her. Also, of course, the memory of seeing my mom on the CPAP Mother's Day morning, the day after her surgery. For her, the CPAP led back to the ventilator that she never got off. The ventilator that I'd promised her I'd never let them put her on.

My beloved wife took my hands and led me on a guided meditation. It was still almost an hour until my next pain medication and would be in agony until then. But she led me to a magic place; I listened and followed her guidance and relaxed. I don't remember most of this except that I felt so safe, and then the pain medication came and life became bearable again. YIPPEE!!

My sister and the CCU nurse were amazed at Cecelia's actions. My sweet Beloved. My Safe Place. How did I get so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life?? My Beloved guided me through the worse hour of my life. My darling sister and daughter were down from NC to see me through this. I had lots to live for and I determined with everything in me that I WAS GOING TO SURVIVE!!!!