Being home

Hi all,

Well, had my appointment with my cardiologist who said I can drive again (and have sex!).  I was really happy until I drove my Miata home and realized how much it hurt.  Oh well, something else to improve on. 

Yesterday I did absolutely nothing but read all day long.  I am kind of lonely here alone during the day and I wonder will it be this way when I retire??  Of course, right now we're so very broke that I can't afford to go out and do much of anything, even if it's only the cost of gas.  Next month will be worse.  I am going back to work July 5th, so that's good except that we only get paid once a month at the end so July will be a long month until payday.  Then there are all those medical bills!!!!!  I'm trying not to stress out.  It shouldn't be this way.  People should be able to get sick, have major operations, etc. without worrying they'll lose everything they've worked for all their lives.  It's disgusting how we accept this as normal and OK.  Well, don't get me started . . .

Today I'm trying to get some stuff done.  Making some overdue phone calls; sorting out the mess of paperwork covering our dining table.  Ugh!  Going to the store to pick up a few essentials.  It will be the first time I've been out on my own - well, driving at least.  I walked to some stores while I stayed with Jenny.

My emotions seem to be on hold.  Feel numb and don't know what's up with that.  At my sister's and daughter's last week I was crying at the drop of a hat.  Now I can't seem to feel much of anything.  I'm glad to be home.  Love being back with my honey - but I'm bugged at my lack of feeling.  I've really got to see my doctor about my hormones.  Seems like everything is messed up with my system.

Even my hair isn't right.  I color it every 5 weeks and the last time I went in I had a lot of gray roots.  I looked today and my hair has barely grown.  Good thing is that I don't have hardly any roots showing.  But I wonder why my hair just seemed to have stopped growing??  Geez!

I'm still having problems with my memory, too.  We sat down with a Netflix DVD of House where we'd watched a couple of the episodes on the disc already.  So we were trying to figure out which ones we'd watched and which ones we hadn't.  We were watching one and Cece says "we've seen this".  I had NO memory of having seen it before - although a little bit later in the episode I did recall it.  It's really scary.  What if I can't remember cases or law that I should know when I go back to work??  What if I'm not the excellent attorney I used to be??  Should I be put out to pasture??

I asked my doctor a few questions that I figured wouldn't have real answers.  I brought him the report of an angiogram I had done in 2006.  That showed no blockages whatever and minimal plaque build up.  I was 56 years old then.  In five years I went from that to 95% blockages in two heart arteries and 90% in the third???!!!!  WHAT IN THE FUCK HAPPENED IN FIVE YEARS???!!!  He did seemed a bit surprised at the difference, but could not give a definitive reason.  But I'd sure as hell like to know b/c if I knew what made such a dramatic difference I'D STOP DOING IT!!    How can I avoid such a thing in the future??  Why did it take 56 years to get a little blocked and only 5 more years to get almost fatally blocked??  I can't think of anything that I did differently except that my mom died shortly after that test and I was so very stressed out for a long, long time.  Could that have done it?

It's awful that no one can say "if you do this and don't do that, all will be well."  Even my doctor said that my high cholesterol may or may not have been a factor.  Considering that I've had high cholesterol for over 20 years, I don't see how that accounts for the drastic difference in 5 years. 

But he did say it was unlikely that I'd have to have another bypass in my lifetime.  Not that it was impossible, but unlikely.  Maybe a stent or two down the road.  I'd like to avoid even that. 

Well, guess I'd better end for today and make that call to the cardiac rehab folks and get signed up.  Thanks for listening and any feedback y'all might have for me.

Back again

Well, missed yesterday b/c  I stayed up so late.  My sister's a/c broke down last evening and it got too hot to sleep.  Felt dragged out all day today.  Dude came by and fixed the a/c, so all is well.  It was 97 here today and expected to be that hot tomorrow, too.  What weather!!  Worse than S. Florida!

In spite of everything, I walked today and yesterday.  My stamina is improving and my legs don't look so wasted away as they did.  Beginning to build up a little muscle tissue.  But my chest and arms are still the problem.  My sister's pug jumped onto the couch where I was laying down today, right onto my chest!!!  I thought I was going to die!  The pain finally subsided and I determined that nothing seemed to be "broken" but my chest hurt worse the rest of the day.  I KNEW that dumb dog was going to get me sooner or later.  It has no manners at all.  My daughter's dogs are MUCH better behaved.  But they're all good dogs, really. 

I miss my kitties.  Feel like I've left my real life behind, but then I recall that I even felt that way when I was recovering at home, so I think it's more the surgery and its aftermath more than being up here. 

Still no freaking baby!!  I worry that they'll talk my daughter into getting some kind of intervention, like inducement or something just because she's a little late.  Still, I know she's SO mentally and physically ready to have the baby.  Of course, she has no idea of what a pain in the ass the little bugger will be once he's out.  he he 

Overall, I'm still feeling a LITTLE less depressed than I was.  There must be some reason all this happened.  I think.  I'm grateful for how it all played out, given that I could well have just dropped dead of a heart attack or cardiac arrest without ever having a clue that there was anything wrong with my heart. 

Would love to hear from those reading this.  Is it helpful?  Not so much??

5/19/11

Today is the anniversary of my mother's death.  From cardiac bypass surgery following a heart attack.  She was 78 and had had her first MI when she was 61 or 62 - I still can't remember.  Going into the hospital on May 3rd for bypass surgery on May 4th was traumatic to say the least.  I try hard to fight superstition.  And, at least I was in a different hospital.  JFK had killed my mother and was the main player in my father's and brother's heart-related deaths.  I told myself that I, at least, was in North Palm Beach Gardens.  A largely unknown risk factor.  The only thing I could remember was my mother saying what a bad hospital it was because it had killed off a couple of her friends.  But it's where my cardiologists practiced out of and where the cardiac surgeon recommended by my (partially-trusted) cardiologist practiced.  So here I was. 

So much was completely out of my control.  Have I mentioned how much I HATE things being out of my control??!!! I'm feeling numb, numb, numb.  How had this happened?  I was the HEALTHY one of the family.   I HAD ALL THE BEST GENES!!  I'd told myself this for years and refused to take cholesterol meds which had had bad side effects on my sister and mother.  I had all kinds of reasons and excuses.  They seemed valid.  I'd had test after test when any little thing had gone wrong that could POSSIBLY be related to my heart.  All because of my family history of heart trouble.  It scared me.  I hated it.  Doctors, it seemed, always brought trouble into your life.  They held your life in your hands and they were arrogant about it.  I wasn't going to give into them.  I was in control of my life.  I didn't eat junk.  I tried to exercise on a routine basis.  Yeah, I carried too much weight.  But I kept trying to do the right thing - without taking more medications.  Without putting my life more into the care of these uncaring, inhuman persons who represented our health care experts. 

So how had it come to this?  They said I had three major blockages!  Three!!  Who were they talking to - they couldn't be talking to me!  I'd just had two stress tests with decent results.   Some PVCs maybe, but no big deal, right??  RIGHT??!!  Yes, my cardiologist suggested I follow up the stress tests with another angio-gram.  I felt powerful in saying "no."  They could give me no good reason to go through another test.  They were all being hysterical.  I had (virtually) no symptoms.  Why were they trying to scare me??  But now, NOW, they were talking surgery.  Three blockages that couldn't be fixed with stents.  They were going into my chest; going to CRACK IT OPEN; toy with it, then close it up and it all had to be done RIGHT AWAY!!  Were they trying to scare me to death???  How could this be happening??  WHY was this happening??  I was so terrified I just couldn't even think.  Couldn't wrap my mind around it.  My darling wife, Cecelia, asked the right questions, remembered the answers, started making preparations.  Thank God.  It was all a blur to me.  May had already killed my beloved mother - was it going to get me now?  The same thoughts kept whirling in my mind:  "I'm the healthy one; what happened?" "how could this be happening to me?"  "what did I do wrong?  Did I bring this on myself?"  My body felt like a foreign land. 

Obviously, I lived through the surgery.  But my emotions and thoughts are just waking up. 

During it was just doing the next right thing to survive.  No room to think or feel.  Now I want to share what's it's been like and what it's like  now.  I hope that others who have gone through the same ups and downs of traveling this particular road will relate to my blog and maybe let me know I'm not alone.

In my brain, I KNOW, of course, that there are others - many many others - who have experienced all this.  But my feelings . . . my feelings are like wild horses plunging this way and that.  I have wonderful, loving, supportive friends and family.  So much to be grateful for.  I'M ALIVE!!!!!!!