Wednesday on the move

Saw Dr. H. yesterday and he was pleased with my progress.  YEA!   He's totally OK with my going up to NC - just says get a wheelchair and let them "baby" me.   He picked the loose pieces of glue from my incision and it looks much better now.  You can see where the actual scar line will be.  I wonder if I'll ever get used to it??  The men I've talked to who've had bypass surgery haven't worried a whole lot about their scars.  Seems to be a female thing.  Or maybe they (men) just hide it.

I have mixed feelings about going to NC.  I know my darling doesn't have anyone else to "watch" me next week while she's working and she doesn't feel comfortable leaving me alone all day.  So my sister and BIL babysitting me makes her feel more secure.  I like the idea myself.  Plus I can never see enough of my sister - who has many health issues of her own.

I'm mostly over feeling unwanted by my daughter, realizing that she has her own fears about becoming a single mother and having a mother who - instead of taking care of her - might need caring for herself!  Who knows, it's entirely possible that she won't even have the baby until after I go home.  Who can predict these things?  I certainly had no idea when I made the reservations that I would be 3 + weeks from bypass surgery!

I'm having to think about getting all my stuff and medicines together for the trip.  How daunting!!  Went to my primary doc this morning.  As expected, my blood pressure was up after having Dr. H. take me off my Diovan since the surgery.  Dr. W. (primary) got me right back on it and I took one when I got home.  Seems that surgery makes the blood pressure go down.  Maybe all the extra fluids they give you??  Or maybe it's just the shock to the system.  Dr. W. wrote me another script for my pain meds in case I run out before I get back.  Also stocked up on my anti-depressant (Cymbalta).  God knows I'm having a tussle with depression.  Of course, that's probably completely normal in this situation.

I got into my waterbed for the first time since the surgery yesterday.  Figured Lola would haul me out if I couldn't get my own ass out of the bed.  I've slept in a waterbed so many years, though, that it wasn't difficult for me to get out of the bed.  It DOES, however, put a lot of pressure on the arm and shoulder closest to the outside of the bed as you roll out.  As I lay there in my bed, looking out the window at my mango tree, my thoughts went to that fatal Thursday morning (April 28th) when I woke up with those pesky palpitations that started this whole mess.  Who would have thought I'd be laying there today weeks later with my chest having been opened up??  I felt a wave of sadness run through me so strongly.  That "nothing will ever be the same again" blue feeling.  I know I should be grateful to be alive - and I am.  But still.  Still.  I still wonder in awe "how could this have happened to me?"  I'm mortal; like the rest of you.  Didn't I know that??  Yes, but.  . .

When I went into Dr. H.'s office yesterday, the women at the front desk almost literally jumped up and down with excitement, telling me how much BETTER I looked than last week.  They were so happy.  And all I could think was "who ARE these people?"   I didn't remember even seeing them.  Cece asked didn't I remember barely being able to walk into the office last Wednesday (all the way from the parking lot)?  I pushed and recalled a few things, but still didn't remember the office women or talking to them.  That was just last Wednesday.  Hell, I've been blogging since then!  How strange and how hopeful that so much can change in 6 days!!!

I'm tired a lot, though.  Running around to these visits really tires me out.  And puts me in pain.  I'm able to cut down to 1 pain pill every 4 hours at night but still need the full 1 1/2 during the day to get through.  That, like everything else, I have to have patience with.  I'm not all that good on patience.

I keep reliving the time in the hospital.  Mostly the feelings, since the details are so screwed up in my brain.  The unbelievable fear and pain and exhaustion and weakness.  What other words can describe it?  There must be more b/c I FELT more!!  And I remember my fierce determination to LIVE and get well!!  And I remember once, some place along the way, thinking that no wonder Mom gave up and just passed on.  It was just too hard for her.  Had I known how hard it would be, would I have just given up, too?  I don't know.  I don't think so - but I'm not sure.  Anyone who comes through this type of surgery (and I'm sure other types qualify too) is a courageous warrior who at some point makes a commitment to LIVE.  I guess that means myself included.

Well, gotta get on that packing list.  See if I can get away with a carry on or whether they're going to gauge me to check a bag.  Ugh.  I hate US Airways!!  Flying is a trial nowadays, not the fun it used to me (a long, long time ago).  People who've never known the difference would be shocked at how it used to be.  Ah, well.  It's expedient.

Thanks for listening, y'all.  (Not so) D.D. signing off.

Slow Saturday

My wife and I discussed a lot of the details of my surgery and hospital stay. So much was going on while I was in my own world struggling and struggling minute-by-minute just to get through. I don't remember a lot of things and things I think I do remember didn't really happen sometimes.

I was in so much fear as they rolled me down to the operating room. My wife and my sister, Peggy, and my daughter, Jenny, and mother-in-law were all there. I'm thinking things like "this can't be happening to me!! No! No! No!" The spiritually aware part of myself is searching for my connection with my Higher Power where there's some hope that this'll all turn out all right. Memories of walking alongside my mother's gurney to surgery five years ago. Mostly just terror.

Then waking up and realizing it was over but being so disoriented that this fact was about the most I could take in. Nurses and people talking and the sounds of medical machines.

Later, terrible agony!! Terror and panic!! I didn't realize it at the moment but they'd given me too much drugs and I wasn't exchanging oxygen and Co2 in my lungs enough to keep me alive. They had a Cpap on my face and I didn't know why?! I couldn't hear the nurse and she couldn't hear my questions over the noise of the machine and when I tried to take the mask off so we could communicate, she asked me if I wanted to die. More panic!! The pain was incredible because they'd used Narcan to reverse the effects of all the pain medications. I'm blind in my right eye and she was on that side so I couldn't see her or understand her or what was going on. She seemed angry at me. Unbelievable agony and terror.

Then, off to the left I see the beautiful heads of my wife and sister (both my health care surrogates). I was SAFE!! My sister took my hand and swept my hair back from my forehead and soothed me while she tried to explain what was happening (she's a nurse and her own husband has had bypass surgery). Meanwhile my understanding wife was dealing with the frustrated nurse, letting her know that I needed to know what was going on; I needed to have things explained to me so I understood and wouldn't panic. She told my nurse that I couldn't see her and was pulling the CPAP away from my face so that I could see and hear her. Also, of course, the memory of seeing my mom on the CPAP Mother's Day morning, the day after her surgery. For her, the CPAP led back to the ventilator that she never got off. The ventilator that I'd promised her I'd never let them put her on.

My beloved wife took my hands and led me on a guided meditation. It was still almost an hour until my next pain medication and would be in agony until then. But she led me to a magic place; I listened and followed her guidance and relaxed. I don't remember most of this except that I felt so safe, and then the pain medication came and life became bearable again. YIPPEE!!

My sister and the CCU nurse were amazed at Cecelia's actions. My sweet Beloved. My Safe Place. How did I get so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life?? My Beloved guided me through the worse hour of my life. My darling sister and daughter were down from NC to see me through this. I had lots to live for and I determined with everything in me that I WAS GOING TO SURVIVE!!!!