Fair Friday

I asked my sister about this when I was with her, but didn't get a definitive answer.  When I lean forward, it feels like my heart and lungs flop against my chest - like they're just floating around in my chest cavity unattached to anything to hold them into place.  Were they always like that and I didn't notice?

Today when I walked, it felt like with each step my heart was jiggling - once again as though it wasn't attached to anything.  It used to be painful, but today on my walk it just felt a little weird.  Can it be that my heart is just flopping around in my chest cavity?  Will it ever feel like it's in place?  Do other people experience this? 

I walked alone for the first time.  Asked my daughter to walk with me - thinking it would be good for her to walk, as well as being safer for me - but she didn't want to go.  I told her before I came that I'd want her to walk with me, and she agreed, but now that I'm here she hasn't walked with me yet.  Then I thought - well I've got to take the plunge sooner or later and walk by myself.  Might as well be now.  I tried not to think about what would happen if I tripped and fell or got dizzy or something.  But all went well and it was actually cooler this evening. 

Most of this morning felt so depressed it felt like I couldn't breathe.  Just crushing loneliness, depression, and sadness.  Yet I'm isolating.  I made the effort and called back a few of the people who've called and left messages.  Sometimes I have flashes where I feel optimistic - but they don't last long. 

I hate the way my chest feels.  Not just the scar, but a good ways on either side of it, too.  An awful, numb but painful uncomfortable feeling.  All the nerves are screwed up and I know they take forever to heal. 

Oh yeah, still no baby.  Shit.