Long Day

Long, but satisfying, day.  Made soup and baked chicken for my sweet daughter.  She took baby Matthew for his first checkup.  All is well.  Daughter is very sore and her milk is coming in.  Thank God b/c baby wasn't real satisfied with what he was getting before! 

Also did laundry.  I know I'm doing too much.  My chest hurts more than it has.  I'm using my arms a lot cooking, lifting heavy pots, reaching, etc.  I tell myself it's worth it, but I hope I'm not setting back my own recovery too much.  The end of the month seems a ways off, but soon it'll be July 5 and I'll be back at work and I hope I'll be in shape to get through the days. 

I think I'm feeling OK emotionally, then something will set me off and I'm sobbing and sobbing.  I tried to sing a nursery song to the baby and suddenly I was crying so hard.  I think it was about Mom.  When Matthew was born I instinctively thought "I've got to tell Mom --!"  Forgetting she's gone.  I still have moments when I just can't comprehend a world without her in it.  It hurts so much.  Mommy, are you watching?  Do you see our new baby?  Did you feel this way when you were with me when I had Jenny? 

Sometimes - well always I guess - I just don't understand this living thing.  Or dying thing.  What am I doing here?  Do I welcome where we're all going, or is it all pure terror?  Was my bypass the first step in my accepting my own impending death, or was it a reprieve or a bonus life??  How could I have been so close to death and not have been aware?  Will I ever have the courage to face it??  Do I have the courage to fully live again?

My Cece is now blogging and what she writes scares me.   Will we ever have our relationship back again anywhere near the same?  Are we irreparably changed for the worse??  Can we "play" with abandon like before??  Have I now gotten too old; too fragile?? 

I'd wish for the time before all this happened, but how can I when I was "dead woman walking"?  Can't go back anyway, so what's the sense wasting my time wishing.  If I was going to wish for something, I'd wish to go back to when Mom was still here.  I went through her death date this year in a blur - well, that was the day I started this blog.  How odd.

I've got to get to some meetings when I get home.  Aside from the meeting my dear ones brought to my house after the surgery, I haven't been to any.  I have a doctor's appointment on the 21st; I hope he says I can drive again.  That's bound to make me feel more like I'm back in the world.  I've been so dependent for so long.  Me, who hates being dependent under any circumstances.  Ironic, huh?

Well, enough whining for tonight.