Friday in NC

No baby yet, though my daughter had some problems for which she was checked out at hospital.  All turned out OK.  I was on pins and needles for awhile there.  I worry about not  having enough stamina if I'm up all day and she decides to go into labor at night.  I get exhausted so easily.

Forgot to walk today and then it got dark and didn't want to walk at night.  Tomorrow my BIL and I are going up to my nephew's house (their youngest son) up near Durham.  We'll probably get way up there only to get a call from Jenny saying she's in labor.  But we can't put our lives on hold. 

I notice that when I'm laying down (sleeping or resting) and I'm comfortable, when I get up, my chest goes into mega-pain within the first couple of steps; as if the change in position really upsets everything.  Does that happen to everyone I wonder?  I'm starting to have trouble sleeping now that I'm not taking very much pain medication.  That was a problem for me before the surgery, but I was hoping that it would be better now.  Looks like it may still be a problem.

When I get home, I want to get all my medical records including the angiogram report and photos.  I want to get the dictated report of the surgery itself.  I want to look at them and study them and try to make sense out of this.  I still have secret suspicions that I never really had blockages and this whole operation was a scam so that the doctors had something to do and/or make money off me.  Sorry all doctors out there.  I guess that's still of my denial clinging on.  I mean, really, that's not possible is it??

I don't feel as depressed as I did a little while ago.  I still feel disconnected with the world, though.  And not sure about where and how I fit in and how do I put my life back together again?  How can my relationship be the same?  Are we always going to be afraid to rough house, have sex, or do other energetic things?  Can I ride roller coasters anymore?  Can I still dive?

I'm still using the breathing thingy they gave me at the hospital; the one where you breathe in and see how much you can inflate your lungs.  As the numbers get higher, it takes longer to move to the next level.  I don't know what a normal person can do with it.  I do know that I can certainly breathe in better than when I started!!  But not like I used to be able to b/c my tight chest seems to partially block a big breath.  I hate the numb, yucky feeling of touching my scar.  It feels so weird.  Plus the doctors made a crooked incision.  It's not centered properly.  I've got a lopsided scar.  Great.

I need to get a hold of my doctor.  I should have called them today.  The past two morning I've been waking up nauseous and shaky.  I wonder if it's the meds?  Or maybe my sugar is off.  I don't start feeling OK until I've been up an hour or so.  Don't know what that's about.

Well, really tired now and got to get to sleep.  Long day ahead tomorrow - and that's if my daughter doesn't complicate things by going into labor.  Of course, she's already late, so it would be wonderful if that little boy decided to join our world soon!

Signing off as "Darling Ducky".