LATE Monday night

OK, it's actually Tuesday morning, 03:00.  I'm back here at my sister's and the consensus here with sister and BIL is that I'd be crazy to have come up here to go back just before the baby is born.  So tomorrow I'm going to look into staying.  Beloved will have to send my meds up overnight b/c she only packed enough for me for the time she expected me to be away.  Don't know how hard a time US Air is going to give me trying to change the unchangeable ticket.

No, daughter still hasn't gone into labor yet and she's the most disgusted one of all of us.  She brought me back over to my sister's b/c she knows Peggy is up and around after working an all night shift Sunday-Monday.  So we stayed up and talked and watched TV and talked some more and had tea.

Took the longest walk yet Sunday with my ex.  It felt good until the last 1/3 when I felt more breathless and my chest hurt.  I swear it feels like my heart is flopping around in my chest cavity unattached to anything and it bounces with every step I take.  Yucking feeling.  But when I woke up this  morning, I felt stronger than ever and that felt so hopeful I wasn't as depressed as I usually am upon waking.

Before the surgery, I had to take Lunesta just about nightly in order to sleep.  Has been that way since my mother died in 2006.  But since the surgery I haven't had to take it once.  Now, the fact that I can stay up as late as I want and not have to worry about getting up for work may have something to do with that; I don't know.  In the first couple of weeks home, sleeping on the lazy-boy chair in the living room, I slept like a newborn baby sleeps:  an hour or so at a time.  I couldn't get up by myself back then and couldn't get up to turn on a light.  Cece and Lola gave me a little flashlight to use to read if I wanted to, or I'd play on my iPhone until I got sleepy again. 

Now, I'm sleeping for longer periods at a time, but still taking naps during the day.  Today I went to sleep after my daughter and I went and got our nails done.  Came home, had something to eat and conked out.  Was sleeping so hard that, even though my bedroom is closest to her front door, I never heard the doorbell ring or heard the dogs barking when a friend of my daughter's came to visit. 

I don't feel as lonely here with Peggy.  We really talk on a deep level and she's so insightful.  I like being at both places for different reasons.  As soon as we  got here this evening, I asked my niece if she'd walk with me.  It was almost dark and I hadn't gotten my walk in.  We didn't go as far as I did the day before, but I didn't have as much stamina.  I'd gotten so hopeful, but any time I push my body, it pushes back.  My niece said she noticed a difference since I'd been there last week.  Last week I couldn't push open their sliding glass door onto their Carolina room, but I can with difficulty now. 

I was talking to wife about going back to work.  Have to talk to Dr. V. about it and get a note from him.  I can't see being able to work at a desk and/or at a computer 8 hours a day - or even 4 hours yet.  Or by the 15th which at this point is the earliest work thinks I might be back.  It's the 7th now, and although I'm getting better all the time, it's one day good and then the next day or next couple of days not so good.  Overall, the pain is getting much more bearable most of the time, but can come back with a vengeance when I'm up and about too much.  I'm going to ask the doctor about all this.  I don't think I'll be ready to go back to work til the end of the month.  Hopefully, I'll still have a job.

Unexpected things bring pain:  Like riding in a car.  If it's a windy road or bumpy, it hurts.  You don't realize how many muscles you use balancing yourself upright when you're a passenger in a car.  I sure am aware of it now.  I'm exhausted if it's a long trip or the ride isn't real smooth. 

Did I say that my hormones are all screwed up?  I had a hysterectomy back in the early 80's and have been on bio-identical hormones for ages now.  But in the past couple of weeks I've been having lots of hot flashes, especially at night.  When I get back I'll have to check with my homeopathic doctor to see if my medication needs adjusting or what.  Did the shock of the surgery put my hormonal system out of whack?  Seems like it.  Guess everything about my body - directly connected to my heart or not - has taken a hit.

Got to get some sleep.  If my daughter called right now, I'd be useless with no sleep.  Besides, not sure how I'd get to her.  BIL isn't always very cooperative.  We'll see.

I'd sure love some feedback from those who've been through this before me.  How long am I going to be so weak?  Is there a new "normal" for me?  Can one live after this without fear of the future?