Sunday thoughts

In the past few nights I've been able to lie almost flat in the bed instead of having to sleep half sitting up.  Also, last night I tried sleeping on my side again.  I still need to hug a pillow tightly to my chest, but I can do it and it feels so good to sleep on my side again.  I equate back sleeping with illness or injury.

It seems that I can do a  little more each day without paying the price of feeling like I've been hit by a truck.  I hate the way the incision area feels - numb and painful at the same time.  And the numbness extends out from the incision to my breasts and almost to the nipples.  I know the nerves are going to take a long time to heal.  Kinda glad my nipples were spared.  :-) 

I didn't take a walk yesterday b/c we did a lot of running around - so I got the walking in without taking a formal walk. 

I get up each morning feeling overwhelmed with depression.  When I get home I'll have to talk to my primary physician.  Do I have to just suck it up or can she increase my antidepressant medications without hurting me?  I feel like my heart is in the toilet.  A lot of it is fear, I think.  I project:  What if the bypasses fail (like my BIL's did)?  I can't go through this again.  How long will it take for these arteries to clog?  What happens then?  Was this a new lease on life or the preview of how the rest of my life is going to be?  I'm afraid of the future and not OK with just happened to me. 

I'm in a quandary about whether to extend my stay - since my uncooperative daughter is not showing any signs that she's having the baby any time soon - or to just go home Wednesday.  It would be such a shame to miss the birth  after coming up here.  Then again, I'm still not in a position to be the help I wanted to be for my daughter.  I had visions of helping her in her first week home after the baby was born; that chaotic first week when you're trying to absorb all the changes in your life.  But actually, in the shape I'm in, I'm no real help.  When I first got here I was probably a burden.  Things have gotten better, but I'm still not a HELP to her.  Just here.  Waiting with her.  Today is her due date.

When I laid on my side, I could feel and hear my heart beating so fast.  Why is it beating so fast??  I wonder if something's wrong? 

I'm no closer to figuring out what this all means than when I started.  I just went through it and did the best I could do.  I REALLY want to figure out how and why this happened so maybe I can prevent it again.  Is that possible?  Should I have 6 month angiograms??  Wait for symptoms??  That's scary b/c the symptoms I had before were so nebulous.  I could easily miss them.  I still feel weird in my own body.  Or maybe it's that my body feels weird to me.  I didn't feel this way when I had my hysterectomy or my appendectomy.  Oh, I had feelings about it, but not like this. 

Signing off for now.  I'm (not quite) Dead Ducky.