4 weeks since my bypass. Back at my daughter's house now. Told my sister about my blog but she didn't seem interested. It was good to visit with her, though. They understand what I'm going through probably more than anyone else I've talked to.
My sister said nurses have some phrase for what I'm going through: some kind of disturbed body image, I think she called it. The feelings seem to flow past, one chasing the other. One minute I'll feel OK, the next I'll be so sad and not sure why. My chest is feeling somewhat better overall, but I can easily get it mad without doing much. Today was a lazy day, but we did a lot yesterday. I was really tired all day. Wonder if I'll sleep tonight?
My daughter's father - with whom I used to get along very well with - is coming to Jenny's house sometime tonight. We had a major falling out last year and I'm not looking forward to dealing with him. On the other hand, might as well sooner than later, since we will both be sharing the care of my daughter's baby when she gets deployed in the latter part of this year. We've been divorced for 25 or so years and have always dealt pretty well with each other; especially in raising our daughter. It's too bad things are so changed now.
I miss my wife. It's weird, part of me feels like everything else is different, why shouldn't where I am be different, too?? What's it going to be like going back to work? How long is it going to take before I feel strong again? How will I know if I'm really all right, when I didn't seem to know when I THOUGHT I knew??!! I hate this weak, vulnerable feeling. I want to feel different. I want to think I'll be happy again. Will I? Will I ever feel safe again?? Is that too much to ask??
This is so fucked up and I don't know what to do about it. Who am I now?? Will life ever feel natural and normal again?? Will I ever be unafraid again?
There I go, sliding into a morass of self-pity. But who else should I feel sorry for?? If I can't feel sorry about a bypass, what would it take for a little self-pity to be all right? But, really, I can't stay in it all that long b/c it just makes everything worse. Like giving a drunk a drink.
I do feel somewhat "dead ducky" tonight. Forgive me.
The body image thing is called body dysmorphia, honey. Its basically when someone is preoccupied by or perceives a defect in their body image.
ReplyDeleteI love and adore and miss you tremendously... Take it easy on yourself. Self-defining takes a lifetime and always changes every time we have a marked experience, whether seen as good or bad (i.e. a new birth, a death, a car accident, surgery, injury with a scar, a tattoo or piercing, etc). Your feelings are normal for what you went through...
Its a shame your sister is not interested in the blog. I wonder if her hubby will be?! He sure is enough into computers...