Yesterday I took a long walk in the drizzling rain and actually felt HAPPY for a little while! It's not like I haven't had good things happening, but I haven't actually FELT it like that in a long while. It felt good.
Been back to meetings and that also feels good and right. Maybe when I go back to work, I'll feel even more grounded. I have mixed feelings about being home all day. In some ways, I really like the freedom, but then again I feel lonely many mornings. Like the world has gone on without me.
I've got to get a photo of my healing chest to post. I'll ask Cece to take one and then put it up here. I like being able to take baths again, now that the vampire bites are completely closed up. They're still an angry red, though. Yucky.
Went to the hairdresser and wanted a white streak put in, but she convinced me to be satisfied with lowlights. I wanted something dramatic to say "look, everybody, I've been to hell and back" when I got back to work. Hell, they probably wouldn't even have noticed it.
I'm here to report that the sex life is working just fine. How cool is that? I was a little scared when my heart was pounding so hard, but Cece reminded me that it did that BEFORE the surgery, too. Still - creeped me out.
Driving is getting a little easier, especially since most of the time Cece lets me borrow her car which is easier to get in and out of and is an automatic. But the seat belt (shoulder part) hurts like a bitch! I've got to get something to pad the shoulder harness.
I still have moments when I feel like this is my "second" life. What am I going to do with it? Who knows how long it'll last - but no more holding back on ANYTHING!! Well, unless it's really bad for me.
Signing off now. Got some computer work to do. Cece's birthday tomorrow and I have preparations to take care of.
(Almost) Dead Ducky
Showing posts with label driving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label driving. Show all posts
Monday, June 27, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Long Day
Long, but satisfying, day. Made soup and baked chicken for my sweet daughter. She took baby Matthew for his first checkup. All is well. Daughter is very sore and her milk is coming in. Thank God b/c baby wasn't real satisfied with what he was getting before!
Also did laundry. I know I'm doing too much. My chest hurts more than it has. I'm using my arms a lot cooking, lifting heavy pots, reaching, etc. I tell myself it's worth it, but I hope I'm not setting back my own recovery too much. The end of the month seems a ways off, but soon it'll be July 5 and I'll be back at work and I hope I'll be in shape to get through the days.
I think I'm feeling OK emotionally, then something will set me off and I'm sobbing and sobbing. I tried to sing a nursery song to the baby and suddenly I was crying so hard. I think it was about Mom. When Matthew was born I instinctively thought "I've got to tell Mom --!" Forgetting she's gone. I still have moments when I just can't comprehend a world without her in it. It hurts so much. Mommy, are you watching? Do you see our new baby? Did you feel this way when you were with me when I had Jenny?
Sometimes - well always I guess - I just don't understand this living thing. Or dying thing. What am I doing here? Do I welcome where we're all going, or is it all pure terror? Was my bypass the first step in my accepting my own impending death, or was it a reprieve or a bonus life?? How could I have been so close to death and not have been aware? Will I ever have the courage to face it?? Do I have the courage to fully live again?
My Cece is now blogging and what she writes scares me. Will we ever have our relationship back again anywhere near the same? Are we irreparably changed for the worse?? Can we "play" with abandon like before?? Have I now gotten too old; too fragile??
I'd wish for the time before all this happened, but how can I when I was "dead woman walking"? Can't go back anyway, so what's the sense wasting my time wishing. If I was going to wish for something, I'd wish to go back to when Mom was still here. I went through her death date this year in a blur - well, that was the day I started this blog. How odd.
I've got to get to some meetings when I get home. Aside from the meeting my dear ones brought to my house after the surgery, I haven't been to any. I have a doctor's appointment on the 21st; I hope he says I can drive again. That's bound to make me feel more like I'm back in the world. I've been so dependent for so long. Me, who hates being dependent under any circumstances. Ironic, huh?
Well, enough whining for tonight.
Also did laundry. I know I'm doing too much. My chest hurts more than it has. I'm using my arms a lot cooking, lifting heavy pots, reaching, etc. I tell myself it's worth it, but I hope I'm not setting back my own recovery too much. The end of the month seems a ways off, but soon it'll be July 5 and I'll be back at work and I hope I'll be in shape to get through the days.
I think I'm feeling OK emotionally, then something will set me off and I'm sobbing and sobbing. I tried to sing a nursery song to the baby and suddenly I was crying so hard. I think it was about Mom. When Matthew was born I instinctively thought "I've got to tell Mom --!" Forgetting she's gone. I still have moments when I just can't comprehend a world without her in it. It hurts so much. Mommy, are you watching? Do you see our new baby? Did you feel this way when you were with me when I had Jenny?
Sometimes - well always I guess - I just don't understand this living thing. Or dying thing. What am I doing here? Do I welcome where we're all going, or is it all pure terror? Was my bypass the first step in my accepting my own impending death, or was it a reprieve or a bonus life?? How could I have been so close to death and not have been aware? Will I ever have the courage to face it?? Do I have the courage to fully live again?
My Cece is now blogging and what she writes scares me. Will we ever have our relationship back again anywhere near the same? Are we irreparably changed for the worse?? Can we "play" with abandon like before?? Have I now gotten too old; too fragile??
I'd wish for the time before all this happened, but how can I when I was "dead woman walking"? Can't go back anyway, so what's the sense wasting my time wishing. If I was going to wish for something, I'd wish to go back to when Mom was still here. I went through her death date this year in a blur - well, that was the day I started this blog. How odd.
I've got to get to some meetings when I get home. Aside from the meeting my dear ones brought to my house after the surgery, I haven't been to any. I have a doctor's appointment on the 21st; I hope he says I can drive again. That's bound to make me feel more like I'm back in the world. I've been so dependent for so long. Me, who hates being dependent under any circumstances. Ironic, huh?
Well, enough whining for tonight.
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