Sunday thoughts

I don't know how much sharing about the experience is TOO much sharing.  And that's me worrying about my "audience" more than focusing on what I need/want to say.  Gotta get out of my own way.

I described up to my first night after the surgery - as much as I can remember it.  God is merciful (through the drugs maybe) in letting me forget some of it.  It seems all mushed together now, with specific events hard to pinpoint the when and how.  I know some people came and went.  In CCU, Cece was almost always there.  When the hell did she sleep??!!  My chest felt both numb and crushed at the same time.  I didn't see my chest for days after the surgery.  Believe it or not, there was too much to focus on besides the actual scar site.

My chest didn't seem to belong to me anymore, anyway.  It had been slashed and yanked open, my heart stopped and placed on the heart/lung machine, then surgeons and others poking around; cutting this, sewing together that.  They all saw a part of me I'll never see myself.  Then it was all wired and stitched and glued back together to form something that was technically me, but with which I am totally unfamiliar. 

I remember the drains giving me a tremendous amount of pain and the Dr. H. being quite surprised at that.  CeCe convinced him to pull them out some hours early and when the drainage was minimal and 'normal looking' - whatever that means.  The drains left those two holes below the actual entry site that look like fang bites.  I've called them my Vampire bites ever since I saw them.  Ugly things.  They have to heal from the inside out and they used to weep onto my gown and later onto my home clothes.  Yuck!  They don't hurt though.  One good thing.  But they DO itch and I've accidentally scratched then a couple of times - then got all nervous about it, wondering if I'd just infected it with some dreaded staph infection or worse.  My mind can always think of "something worse."  A healthier part of me would calmly re-wash the fang bite with the antiseptic wash given me at the hospital, carefully pat it dry, change my top for a freshly washed one, and tried to forget about it telling myself all will be OK.  So far, that's worked best.

Got some friends coming to see me today.  Friday a group of friends came and brought me a meeting to my house complete with goodies to eat.  That felt so good.  I felt my heart (MY heart????) swell with gratitude.  Feeling loved always helps (me) to see the brighter side of things.

Lola is coming back to take care of me while Cece works this week; at least for a few days.  Then CeCe has arranged for another friend to come help me during the day.  I call them my "babysitters."  But they've been so much more than that. 

But every day I get a little stronger, even the days that feel "bad"  - where I hurt more than usual and feel like crying all day.  Yesterday I took a shower with Cece standing outside the shower handing me things as I sat on the stool inside the bathtub and washed.  YIPPEE!!  Another milestone won!! 

I WILL get better and I WILL figure out who this new person - with the tampered-with heart - is.  I will try to live without fear.  . . OK, with LESS fear and more faith.  That can be my goal for now.  It's enough.