No baby yet, though my daughter had some problems for which she was checked out at hospital. All turned out OK. I was on pins and needles for awhile there. I worry about not having enough stamina if I'm up all day and she decides to go into labor at night. I get exhausted so easily.
Forgot to walk today and then it got dark and didn't want to walk at night. Tomorrow my BIL and I are going up to my nephew's house (their youngest son) up near Durham. We'll probably get way up there only to get a call from Jenny saying she's in labor. But we can't put our lives on hold.
I notice that when I'm laying down (sleeping or resting) and I'm comfortable, when I get up, my chest goes into mega-pain within the first couple of steps; as if the change in position really upsets everything. Does that happen to everyone I wonder? I'm starting to have trouble sleeping now that I'm not taking very much pain medication. That was a problem for me before the surgery, but I was hoping that it would be better now. Looks like it may still be a problem.
When I get home, I want to get all my medical records including the angiogram report and photos. I want to get the dictated report of the surgery itself. I want to look at them and study them and try to make sense out of this. I still have secret suspicions that I never really had blockages and this whole operation was a scam so that the doctors had something to do and/or make money off me. Sorry all doctors out there. I guess that's still of my denial clinging on. I mean, really, that's not possible is it??
I don't feel as depressed as I did a little while ago. I still feel disconnected with the world, though. And not sure about where and how I fit in and how do I put my life back together again? How can my relationship be the same? Are we always going to be afraid to rough house, have sex, or do other energetic things? Can I ride roller coasters anymore? Can I still dive?
I'm still using the breathing thingy they gave me at the hospital; the one where you breathe in and see how much you can inflate your lungs. As the numbers get higher, it takes longer to move to the next level. I don't know what a normal person can do with it. I do know that I can certainly breathe in better than when I started!! But not like I used to be able to b/c my tight chest seems to partially block a big breath. I hate the numb, yucky feeling of touching my scar. It feels so weird. Plus the doctors made a crooked incision. It's not centered properly. I've got a lopsided scar. Great.
I need to get a hold of my doctor. I should have called them today. The past two morning I've been waking up nauseous and shaky. I wonder if it's the meds? Or maybe my sugar is off. I don't start feeling OK until I've been up an hour or so. Don't know what that's about.
Well, really tired now and got to get to sleep. Long day ahead tomorrow - and that's if my daughter doesn't complicate things by going into labor. Of course, she's already late, so it would be wonderful if that little boy decided to join our world soon!
Signing off as "Darling Ducky".
Friday, June 10, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Back again
Well, missed yesterday b/c I stayed up so late. My sister's a/c broke down last evening and it got too hot to sleep. Felt dragged out all day today. Dude came by and fixed the a/c, so all is well. It was 97 here today and expected to be that hot tomorrow, too. What weather!! Worse than S. Florida!
In spite of everything, I walked today and yesterday. My stamina is improving and my legs don't look so wasted away as they did. Beginning to build up a little muscle tissue. But my chest and arms are still the problem. My sister's pug jumped onto the couch where I was laying down today, right onto my chest!!! I thought I was going to die! The pain finally subsided and I determined that nothing seemed to be "broken" but my chest hurt worse the rest of the day. I KNEW that dumb dog was going to get me sooner or later. It has no manners at all. My daughter's dogs are MUCH better behaved. But they're all good dogs, really.
I miss my kitties. Feel like I've left my real life behind, but then I recall that I even felt that way when I was recovering at home, so I think it's more the surgery and its aftermath more than being up here.
Still no freaking baby!! I worry that they'll talk my daughter into getting some kind of intervention, like inducement or something just because she's a little late. Still, I know she's SO mentally and physically ready to have the baby. Of course, she has no idea of what a pain in the ass the little bugger will be once he's out. he he
Overall, I'm still feeling a LITTLE less depressed than I was. There must be some reason all this happened. I think. I'm grateful for how it all played out, given that I could well have just dropped dead of a heart attack or cardiac arrest without ever having a clue that there was anything wrong with my heart.
Would love to hear from those reading this. Is it helpful? Not so much??
In spite of everything, I walked today and yesterday. My stamina is improving and my legs don't look so wasted away as they did. Beginning to build up a little muscle tissue. But my chest and arms are still the problem. My sister's pug jumped onto the couch where I was laying down today, right onto my chest!!! I thought I was going to die! The pain finally subsided and I determined that nothing seemed to be "broken" but my chest hurt worse the rest of the day. I KNEW that dumb dog was going to get me sooner or later. It has no manners at all. My daughter's dogs are MUCH better behaved. But they're all good dogs, really.
I miss my kitties. Feel like I've left my real life behind, but then I recall that I even felt that way when I was recovering at home, so I think it's more the surgery and its aftermath more than being up here.
Still no freaking baby!! I worry that they'll talk my daughter into getting some kind of intervention, like inducement or something just because she's a little late. Still, I know she's SO mentally and physically ready to have the baby. Of course, she has no idea of what a pain in the ass the little bugger will be once he's out. he he
Overall, I'm still feeling a LITTLE less depressed than I was. There must be some reason all this happened. I think. I'm grateful for how it all played out, given that I could well have just dropped dead of a heart attack or cardiac arrest without ever having a clue that there was anything wrong with my heart.
Would love to hear from those reading this. Is it helpful? Not so much??
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Tuesday progress
At my sister's and not as depressed. That feels good - to not get up feeling like the weight of the world is crushing you. Aside from going out to the supermarket and walking up and down the isles, I didn't do any exercise today. Just felt worn out. Had a long nap this afternoon and now stayed up late again.
Still no grandbaby. Decided to extend my stay until the 18th. Of course US Air wouldn't let me change my flight without a HUGE fee, so it was cheaper to just book another one-way fare. Cece is sending my meds overnight. I think she was real disappointed that I decided to stay. But, still, it made sense. Now, if the baby will only cooperate . . .
I wake up lately with not too much pain in my chest; more just stiffness. Can't lean my head back to look up very comfortably. My chest feels so tight. But as the day goes on, the pain builds. By the end of the night I find myself rubbing and rubbing my chest, trying to soothe it. Not that it helps.
So, maybe I really WILL have a life after all this. Maybe this isn't a prelude to my imminent death. Is it foolish to hope?
Still no grandbaby. Decided to extend my stay until the 18th. Of course US Air wouldn't let me change my flight without a HUGE fee, so it was cheaper to just book another one-way fare. Cece is sending my meds overnight. I think she was real disappointed that I decided to stay. But, still, it made sense. Now, if the baby will only cooperate . . .
I wake up lately with not too much pain in my chest; more just stiffness. Can't lean my head back to look up very comfortably. My chest feels so tight. But as the day goes on, the pain builds. By the end of the night I find myself rubbing and rubbing my chest, trying to soothe it. Not that it helps.
So, maybe I really WILL have a life after all this. Maybe this isn't a prelude to my imminent death. Is it foolish to hope?
LATE Monday night
OK, it's actually Tuesday morning, 03:00. I'm back here at my sister's and the consensus here with sister and BIL is that I'd be crazy to have come up here to go back just before the baby is born. So tomorrow I'm going to look into staying. Beloved will have to send my meds up overnight b/c she only packed enough for me for the time she expected me to be away. Don't know how hard a time US Air is going to give me trying to change the unchangeable ticket.
No, daughter still hasn't gone into labor yet and she's the most disgusted one of all of us. She brought me back over to my sister's b/c she knows Peggy is up and around after working an all night shift Sunday-Monday. So we stayed up and talked and watched TV and talked some more and had tea.
Took the longest walk yet Sunday with my ex. It felt good until the last 1/3 when I felt more breathless and my chest hurt. I swear it feels like my heart is flopping around in my chest cavity unattached to anything and it bounces with every step I take. Yucking feeling. But when I woke up this morning, I felt stronger than ever and that felt so hopeful I wasn't as depressed as I usually am upon waking.
Before the surgery, I had to take Lunesta just about nightly in order to sleep. Has been that way since my mother died in 2006. But since the surgery I haven't had to take it once. Now, the fact that I can stay up as late as I want and not have to worry about getting up for work may have something to do with that; I don't know. In the first couple of weeks home, sleeping on the lazy-boy chair in the living room, I slept like a newborn baby sleeps: an hour or so at a time. I couldn't get up by myself back then and couldn't get up to turn on a light. Cece and Lola gave me a little flashlight to use to read if I wanted to, or I'd play on my iPhone until I got sleepy again.
Now, I'm sleeping for longer periods at a time, but still taking naps during the day. Today I went to sleep after my daughter and I went and got our nails done. Came home, had something to eat and conked out. Was sleeping so hard that, even though my bedroom is closest to her front door, I never heard the doorbell ring or heard the dogs barking when a friend of my daughter's came to visit.
I don't feel as lonely here with Peggy. We really talk on a deep level and she's so insightful. I like being at both places for different reasons. As soon as we got here this evening, I asked my niece if she'd walk with me. It was almost dark and I hadn't gotten my walk in. We didn't go as far as I did the day before, but I didn't have as much stamina. I'd gotten so hopeful, but any time I push my body, it pushes back. My niece said she noticed a difference since I'd been there last week. Last week I couldn't push open their sliding glass door onto their Carolina room, but I can with difficulty now.
I was talking to wife about going back to work. Have to talk to Dr. V. about it and get a note from him. I can't see being able to work at a desk and/or at a computer 8 hours a day - or even 4 hours yet. Or by the 15th which at this point is the earliest work thinks I might be back. It's the 7th now, and although I'm getting better all the time, it's one day good and then the next day or next couple of days not so good. Overall, the pain is getting much more bearable most of the time, but can come back with a vengeance when I'm up and about too much. I'm going to ask the doctor about all this. I don't think I'll be ready to go back to work til the end of the month. Hopefully, I'll still have a job.
Unexpected things bring pain: Like riding in a car. If it's a windy road or bumpy, it hurts. You don't realize how many muscles you use balancing yourself upright when you're a passenger in a car. I sure am aware of it now. I'm exhausted if it's a long trip or the ride isn't real smooth.
Did I say that my hormones are all screwed up? I had a hysterectomy back in the early 80's and have been on bio-identical hormones for ages now. But in the past couple of weeks I've been having lots of hot flashes, especially at night. When I get back I'll have to check with my homeopathic doctor to see if my medication needs adjusting or what. Did the shock of the surgery put my hormonal system out of whack? Seems like it. Guess everything about my body - directly connected to my heart or not - has taken a hit.
Got to get some sleep. If my daughter called right now, I'd be useless with no sleep. Besides, not sure how I'd get to her. BIL isn't always very cooperative. We'll see.
I'd sure love some feedback from those who've been through this before me. How long am I going to be so weak? Is there a new "normal" for me? Can one live after this without fear of the future?
No, daughter still hasn't gone into labor yet and she's the most disgusted one of all of us. She brought me back over to my sister's b/c she knows Peggy is up and around after working an all night shift Sunday-Monday. So we stayed up and talked and watched TV and talked some more and had tea.
Took the longest walk yet Sunday with my ex. It felt good until the last 1/3 when I felt more breathless and my chest hurt. I swear it feels like my heart is flopping around in my chest cavity unattached to anything and it bounces with every step I take. Yucking feeling. But when I woke up this morning, I felt stronger than ever and that felt so hopeful I wasn't as depressed as I usually am upon waking.
Before the surgery, I had to take Lunesta just about nightly in order to sleep. Has been that way since my mother died in 2006. But since the surgery I haven't had to take it once. Now, the fact that I can stay up as late as I want and not have to worry about getting up for work may have something to do with that; I don't know. In the first couple of weeks home, sleeping on the lazy-boy chair in the living room, I slept like a newborn baby sleeps: an hour or so at a time. I couldn't get up by myself back then and couldn't get up to turn on a light. Cece and Lola gave me a little flashlight to use to read if I wanted to, or I'd play on my iPhone until I got sleepy again.
Now, I'm sleeping for longer periods at a time, but still taking naps during the day. Today I went to sleep after my daughter and I went and got our nails done. Came home, had something to eat and conked out. Was sleeping so hard that, even though my bedroom is closest to her front door, I never heard the doorbell ring or heard the dogs barking when a friend of my daughter's came to visit.
I don't feel as lonely here with Peggy. We really talk on a deep level and she's so insightful. I like being at both places for different reasons. As soon as we got here this evening, I asked my niece if she'd walk with me. It was almost dark and I hadn't gotten my walk in. We didn't go as far as I did the day before, but I didn't have as much stamina. I'd gotten so hopeful, but any time I push my body, it pushes back. My niece said she noticed a difference since I'd been there last week. Last week I couldn't push open their sliding glass door onto their Carolina room, but I can with difficulty now.
I was talking to wife about going back to work. Have to talk to Dr. V. about it and get a note from him. I can't see being able to work at a desk and/or at a computer 8 hours a day - or even 4 hours yet. Or by the 15th which at this point is the earliest work thinks I might be back. It's the 7th now, and although I'm getting better all the time, it's one day good and then the next day or next couple of days not so good. Overall, the pain is getting much more bearable most of the time, but can come back with a vengeance when I'm up and about too much. I'm going to ask the doctor about all this. I don't think I'll be ready to go back to work til the end of the month. Hopefully, I'll still have a job.
Unexpected things bring pain: Like riding in a car. If it's a windy road or bumpy, it hurts. You don't realize how many muscles you use balancing yourself upright when you're a passenger in a car. I sure am aware of it now. I'm exhausted if it's a long trip or the ride isn't real smooth.
Did I say that my hormones are all screwed up? I had a hysterectomy back in the early 80's and have been on bio-identical hormones for ages now. But in the past couple of weeks I've been having lots of hot flashes, especially at night. When I get back I'll have to check with my homeopathic doctor to see if my medication needs adjusting or what. Did the shock of the surgery put my hormonal system out of whack? Seems like it. Guess everything about my body - directly connected to my heart or not - has taken a hit.
Got to get some sleep. If my daughter called right now, I'd be useless with no sleep. Besides, not sure how I'd get to her. BIL isn't always very cooperative. We'll see.
I'd sure love some feedback from those who've been through this before me. How long am I going to be so weak? Is there a new "normal" for me? Can one live after this without fear of the future?
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Sunday thoughts
In the past few nights I've been able to lie almost flat in the bed instead of having to sleep half sitting up. Also, last night I tried sleeping on my side again. I still need to hug a pillow tightly to my chest, but I can do it and it feels so good to sleep on my side again. I equate back sleeping with illness or injury.
It seems that I can do a little more each day without paying the price of feeling like I've been hit by a truck. I hate the way the incision area feels - numb and painful at the same time. And the numbness extends out from the incision to my breasts and almost to the nipples. I know the nerves are going to take a long time to heal. Kinda glad my nipples were spared. :-)
I didn't take a walk yesterday b/c we did a lot of running around - so I got the walking in without taking a formal walk.
I get up each morning feeling overwhelmed with depression. When I get home I'll have to talk to my primary physician. Do I have to just suck it up or can she increase my antidepressant medications without hurting me? I feel like my heart is in the toilet. A lot of it is fear, I think. I project: What if the bypasses fail (like my BIL's did)? I can't go through this again. How long will it take for these arteries to clog? What happens then? Was this a new lease on life or the preview of how the rest of my life is going to be? I'm afraid of the future and not OK with just happened to me.
I'm in a quandary about whether to extend my stay - since my uncooperative daughter is not showing any signs that she's having the baby any time soon - or to just go home Wednesday. It would be such a shame to miss the birth after coming up here. Then again, I'm still not in a position to be the help I wanted to be for my daughter. I had visions of helping her in her first week home after the baby was born; that chaotic first week when you're trying to absorb all the changes in your life. But actually, in the shape I'm in, I'm no real help. When I first got here I was probably a burden. Things have gotten better, but I'm still not a HELP to her. Just here. Waiting with her. Today is her due date.
When I laid on my side, I could feel and hear my heart beating so fast. Why is it beating so fast?? I wonder if something's wrong?
I'm no closer to figuring out what this all means than when I started. I just went through it and did the best I could do. I REALLY want to figure out how and why this happened so maybe I can prevent it again. Is that possible? Should I have 6 month angiograms?? Wait for symptoms?? That's scary b/c the symptoms I had before were so nebulous. I could easily miss them. I still feel weird in my own body. Or maybe it's that my body feels weird to me. I didn't feel this way when I had my hysterectomy or my appendectomy. Oh, I had feelings about it, but not like this.
Signing off for now. I'm (not quite) Dead Ducky.
It seems that I can do a little more each day without paying the price of feeling like I've been hit by a truck. I hate the way the incision area feels - numb and painful at the same time. And the numbness extends out from the incision to my breasts and almost to the nipples. I know the nerves are going to take a long time to heal. Kinda glad my nipples were spared. :-)
I didn't take a walk yesterday b/c we did a lot of running around - so I got the walking in without taking a formal walk.
I get up each morning feeling overwhelmed with depression. When I get home I'll have to talk to my primary physician. Do I have to just suck it up or can she increase my antidepressant medications without hurting me? I feel like my heart is in the toilet. A lot of it is fear, I think. I project: What if the bypasses fail (like my BIL's did)? I can't go through this again. How long will it take for these arteries to clog? What happens then? Was this a new lease on life or the preview of how the rest of my life is going to be? I'm afraid of the future and not OK with just happened to me.
I'm in a quandary about whether to extend my stay - since my uncooperative daughter is not showing any signs that she's having the baby any time soon - or to just go home Wednesday. It would be such a shame to miss the birth after coming up here. Then again, I'm still not in a position to be the help I wanted to be for my daughter. I had visions of helping her in her first week home after the baby was born; that chaotic first week when you're trying to absorb all the changes in your life. But actually, in the shape I'm in, I'm no real help. When I first got here I was probably a burden. Things have gotten better, but I'm still not a HELP to her. Just here. Waiting with her. Today is her due date.
When I laid on my side, I could feel and hear my heart beating so fast. Why is it beating so fast?? I wonder if something's wrong?
I'm no closer to figuring out what this all means than when I started. I just went through it and did the best I could do. I REALLY want to figure out how and why this happened so maybe I can prevent it again. Is that possible? Should I have 6 month angiograms?? Wait for symptoms?? That's scary b/c the symptoms I had before were so nebulous. I could easily miss them. I still feel weird in my own body. Or maybe it's that my body feels weird to me. I didn't feel this way when I had my hysterectomy or my appendectomy. Oh, I had feelings about it, but not like this.
Signing off for now. I'm (not quite) Dead Ducky.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Fair Friday
I asked my sister about this when I was with her, but didn't get a definitive answer. When I lean forward, it feels like my heart and lungs flop against my chest - like they're just floating around in my chest cavity unattached to anything to hold them into place. Were they always like that and I didn't notice?
Today when I walked, it felt like with each step my heart was jiggling - once again as though it wasn't attached to anything. It used to be painful, but today on my walk it just felt a little weird. Can it be that my heart is just flopping around in my chest cavity? Will it ever feel like it's in place? Do other people experience this?
I walked alone for the first time. Asked my daughter to walk with me - thinking it would be good for her to walk, as well as being safer for me - but she didn't want to go. I told her before I came that I'd want her to walk with me, and she agreed, but now that I'm here she hasn't walked with me yet. Then I thought - well I've got to take the plunge sooner or later and walk by myself. Might as well be now. I tried not to think about what would happen if I tripped and fell or got dizzy or something. But all went well and it was actually cooler this evening.
Most of this morning felt so depressed it felt like I couldn't breathe. Just crushing loneliness, depression, and sadness. Yet I'm isolating. I made the effort and called back a few of the people who've called and left messages. Sometimes I have flashes where I feel optimistic - but they don't last long.
I hate the way my chest feels. Not just the scar, but a good ways on either side of it, too. An awful, numb but painful uncomfortable feeling. All the nerves are screwed up and I know they take forever to heal.
Oh yeah, still no baby. Shit.
Today when I walked, it felt like with each step my heart was jiggling - once again as though it wasn't attached to anything. It used to be painful, but today on my walk it just felt a little weird. Can it be that my heart is just flopping around in my chest cavity? Will it ever feel like it's in place? Do other people experience this?
I walked alone for the first time. Asked my daughter to walk with me - thinking it would be good for her to walk, as well as being safer for me - but she didn't want to go. I told her before I came that I'd want her to walk with me, and she agreed, but now that I'm here she hasn't walked with me yet. Then I thought - well I've got to take the plunge sooner or later and walk by myself. Might as well be now. I tried not to think about what would happen if I tripped and fell or got dizzy or something. But all went well and it was actually cooler this evening.
Most of this morning felt so depressed it felt like I couldn't breathe. Just crushing loneliness, depression, and sadness. Yet I'm isolating. I made the effort and called back a few of the people who've called and left messages. Sometimes I have flashes where I feel optimistic - but they don't last long.
I hate the way my chest feels. Not just the scar, but a good ways on either side of it, too. An awful, numb but painful uncomfortable feeling. All the nerves are screwed up and I know they take forever to heal.
Oh yeah, still no baby. Shit.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Still no baby
Today went better than I expected - as far as my ex is concerned. Jenny's so sick of being pregnant; still working and her hands are swelling and hurting.
I went for a long walk with the ex (as daughter was busy taking a test) but might have pushed it too far. I wasn't paying attention, as he was asking about what happened and I was telling him the story. Now my chest is on fire. Hurting and burning. Just when I thought I was really getting ahead of the pain.
Work called me and I didn't know what to say. I want to keep them happy but I don't want to get myself in a situation where I'm trying to do too much too fast.
Still so fucking sad!! It occurred to me that I haven't been praying and maybe it's time I started doing that regularly again. I've been so afraid you'd have thought I'd already been doing that but my focus has been so much on surviving and getting better FAST. When I get home, I've got to get back to some meetings. I feel isolated. I wish Jenny would have her baby; I hope she has it by the 8th b/c I don't think I want to extend my stay. I'm lonely and I want to go home.
Well, I might call myself Dead Ducky but I'm not dead yet!! This plugged up heart of mine didn't kill me. I'm profoundly grateful for that, even in the midst of sadness.
I went for a long walk with the ex (as daughter was busy taking a test) but might have pushed it too far. I wasn't paying attention, as he was asking about what happened and I was telling him the story. Now my chest is on fire. Hurting and burning. Just when I thought I was really getting ahead of the pain.
Work called me and I didn't know what to say. I want to keep them happy but I don't want to get myself in a situation where I'm trying to do too much too fast.
Still so fucking sad!! It occurred to me that I haven't been praying and maybe it's time I started doing that regularly again. I've been so afraid you'd have thought I'd already been doing that but my focus has been so much on surviving and getting better FAST. When I get home, I've got to get back to some meetings. I feel isolated. I wish Jenny would have her baby; I hope she has it by the 8th b/c I don't think I want to extend my stay. I'm lonely and I want to go home.
Well, I might call myself Dead Ducky but I'm not dead yet!! This plugged up heart of mine didn't kill me. I'm profoundly grateful for that, even in the midst of sadness.
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